He is not here and he is not coming back

As I sat and lamented the reasons this graduation is incapacitating my every move I have leaped to the conclusion that this graduation is a huge reminder that Loughlin is gone. He is gone forever and he is not coming back.He is not going to be here for all of the important events in our lives. He is gone and even though those around us placate us with such nonsensical platitudes like he is close and he is watching, none of those are close to a factual truth. He is gone. He is not going to graduate, or go on a mission, or get married, have kids. He is gone. I know it makes others feel better to tell my family that this life is short, but that is because you don't feel this turmoil brewing in my soul. You don't feel the knife cutting out my heart. You don't feel the blur and confusion that racks my brain, so that even the simplest decisions seem as though I am solving a complex statistical equation. Life is not short. It is an ongoing, humiliating, torturous trial and I don't like it, nor do I enjoy living like this. Yesterday in church it was mentioned that we don't have any young men graduating. I am struggling for breath, take that knife, plunge it into my heart, twist it back and forth to get the full effect, pull it out and let me drop to the ground. The problem is I am still alive barely but alive.