Forced Order of Somekind

Our basement flooded, not once but twice last week. My first reaction was to call Oregon concrete and just fill the (explicit) thing up but last night we finally got to the dirty deed and I mean dirty. I have spent maybe a total of 15 minutes downstairs in the last 3 1/2 years. I haven't had the courage to be in Loughlin's space. I know some days I am making progress but I never have made progress there. It showed. Boys are just not built for deep cleaning, or cleaning in general. The food room is down there also, imaging a place of food storage with no upkeep for 3 years. UUUGGGHHH.  Now it is gutted. It looks like when we moved in, well it still has walls but I am sure you can picture. Everything was ruined, maybe save the mattresses. Anyway in all the madness, Harlen found the note with Kayla's picture on it that Loughlin and I searched for hours for after he dropped it, on the way home from school. Cy and him were fighting and I made him walk, I guess because he was the eldest but the whole day came back in full color and I am a walking wilted flower lately and these vivid memories do nothing but cause pain and sorrow. He would be graduating in a few days and yet all I have is 8th grade memories. This life sucks more than I can put into words. All these kids graduating and Lough well he is just gone and how can any of this be fair? I hate it here!!!!