Everyday 'ErDay'

Today I have come to realize that everyday for the rest of my life I will miss Loughlin. He was such an important part of our life, he was integrated in every aspect of our lives that there is no other way but to miss him and long for him. Today we are trimming steers and yesterday we returned home from Harlen's family reunion and just before that we traveled to Utah to take True to the Y's football camp.  I wonder sometimes how I make it through, and other times I don't make it through. I just find a quiet place where no one will judge me and I cry and I cry and I ask the why question and I get angry and I throw things and I ache in every part of my body and I know it isn't right but I just wonder if there is really a God why Loughlin. Look around, he wouldn't have wasted his life he would have cherished every day. But here we are so every mile in the car, and every campout and fishing trip, every trip to the 'Y' and wedding and new baby and the first born son events around me make me nauseated. I feel so cheated. I don't want to feel like this. Rhiannon would be 24 wow. I could be a grandma. Would that soften the blow??? Why wonder though? She is gone too. There is no softening this sadness. Harlen's family play games all of the time until all hours of the night. Loughlin loved it so much. He was always the first and the last man there. Every day makes me miss him more.

I love you Lough. I don't know if you are somewhere right now I hope so. I hope soo much there is something more, more than this life. I know the word fair is so over used but this is so not fair. If this is all there is.........