Feeling Life

Since Loughlin's birthday my soul has felt, at first, this overwhelming crushing feeling that exhausted me every moment of the day. I felt hopeless. Nothing spectacular happened to bring me out of my stupor. It was a gradual upswing. Slowly every day I started to see a little light. I started to feel this love for my family that I hadn't felt for what seemed forever.( I think I probably ought to explain as there are some of you out there that take my writings out of context and use them to judge me, treat me how you think is correct). I have been hurt throughout my life and I developed a defense mechanism that had me pulling myself away from loved ones and building walls made out of concrete, so tall as to make Germany envious. That was my way of self-protection. After losing Loughlin I began that process again and I think it has taken 4 years and a very large sledgehammer to see some light.
Some helpful things are that ones that surround me are understanding my process with God, the church. They understand my feelings and the destructive behavior of those in charge. They see that I have tried and yet it is like dealing with rocks. I feel God's love some days. I feel it in the smile of a child, in the warmth of a baby. I feel it when my lil' Lea says Mom, I love you, when True comes off the football field and gives me the greatest hug a mom could get. I feel it when Giles tells me all about his day and wants always to sit by me and when Cyrus wants to talk, I really mean talk about school and friends and my favorite, politics. I feel it when Maya lays her head on my shoulder, knowing I will always be there for her. I feel it most when Harlen looks in my eyes and tells me how beautiful I am and that he loves me. The place I do not feel God is in church when speakers talk about the "little" things they do wrong everyday and how they need Christ to help them with the "small" wrong choices they make. I do not feel God when people speak of non-Mormons and their need to feel the spirit. They must.I don't feel God when I am shunned and when it is said I am not ready when I clearly never said that, but I am so glad it happened this way. I am glad I was given more time to decide my fate. The fate I was following is not the fate I wanted. So maybe God is watching out for me.