A Belly Laugh is so Therapeutic / Homecoming Dance / Last JV Game

I have had a couple of really good days. I spent time with my kids getting ready for Homecoming. We laughed and we laughed. I laughed so hard my stomach hurt. I can't believe how much better I felt. A belly laugh is better than any drug.

Lea went to her 1st Cotillion, She was beautiful. She was nervous and silly. She had so much fun. She cannot wait for the next one.

Giles went to Homecoming for his 1st time, 1st dance in high school. He had a good time but he is way too cool to  tell me how much fun he had. His date Brenda is beautiful and sweet. They are cute together.

Maya is a Jr. and she lives for this kind of stuff. She plans what they are going to do for weeks. She buys a dress, shoes, jewelry. She looked gorgeous. Her smile is intoxicating. She has so much fun in life.






Giles also played his last JV game of the season. He got a lot more play time and he had fun. (I hope not enough fun he wants to do it again) but he had a good time.

All in all last week was by far a better week. It was hand over fist, good over sad. I love my kids. I am glad that most of them are enjoying their lives now. It takes some of the guilt out of my heart.

Just a Week away.from the Ugly

Today is the 20th of October. I am busy. It is Homecoming Week. Kids are going every which way imaginable. Yet, I look out my window and the colors are orange and yellow with brown sneaking in. My heart skips a little, my stomach is queasy, my hands shake uncontrollably, my head swims and aches, I am transformed back to that day, that morning. I was so busy. I had to get home. I had to make a cake for a funeral at the church. I was grouchy. I made Loughlin and Cyrus change seats, Harlen says I favored Cyrus. Did I? This is all my fault. I can't even say I am sorry. I am so sorry Loughlin. I loved you so much. I was always so proud of you. You set our family on a path that is still taken today. I am sorry. My heart hurts so much. My doc always asks me where I feel it. I feel it from the tip of my head to my toes. I am weak. The crater you have left in our life can never be filled. I wish I could live my life over. I would cherish every moment with every child, Rhiannon, Loughlin, Cyrus, True. Maya, Giles and Lea, everyone of them. Life is fleeting. What makes an ordinary day an extraordinary moment? I wish I could remember every second I spent with Loughlin, but with every day my mind fails me more.

My Response is Anger

There was yet another accident in our little neck of the woods last week. 5 kids were in a pick-up truck driving under the influence and it rolled. Some of the kids walked away from the accident and some are hurt. Everyone is asking for prayers for them, others held a vigil for them. Me, I just sat and stewed, finding myself get angrier and angrier. How many years do you think I will be like this, the feeling of being cheated? Loughlin did nothing wrong. He hardly did anything wrong ever. He was such an amazing young men. Am I saying these kids drank, got in their pick-up drove so they deserve it? Hell no, if so there are a million crazy teenagers that deserve to be dead, including me. I am saying, in a just world Loughlin would still be here. He didn't deserve this.

The Cemetery

I really have memory problems, but I can't remember the last time I have been to Loughlin's grave. I used to visit it often. I felt closer to him there. I believe that is because of the quietness that surrounds you there. It is surreal, well until some car or farm truck drives by and ruins the entire moment. They look at you like you are a freak. If you show your emotions, cry the looks make you feel like you are unstable, that you should have been over this. Almost 8 years and you are still crying for a son you killed, yes, yes, yes, I cry almost daily. I cry at my failures. I cry at what my life has become. I look for something to drowned out my agony. Alcohol, drugs, but I have other kids. I have to be strong, so I will just use my prescribed meds to relieve my hurt and anger and frustration at the process. Why the hell do I have do go through this twice?

Are you a mom? Can you feel my pain? Can you feel the loneliness even in a crowded room? Do you feel this anger? Scream with me. Let the world know how fucked up this is.

Loughlin and Rhiannon, I will never look upon your beautiful faces again. I am so tired..........

I just don't believe anymore

I don't believe anymore in a God or a Jesus Christ, Muhammad, Hindu Gods, Wicca, Buddha, or anything to do with religion. I would like to. It would make life easier, but I am a realist. I might believe in a higher power that created this earth, but to believe he cares is absurd.

I have heard so many platitudes from my believing friends to try to bring me back to the fold. "God loves you the most, that is why he gives you so any trials. Loughlin and Rhiannon are in a better place", A better place? If it is so great, come over here and I will help you get there. smh "They will meet  you on the other side" oh that is helpful. "Loughlin & Rhiannon do not have to live through all of these trials in this mortal life. They are lucky." So Harlen , me and the rest of the kids are not chosen ones?  We are left here on this Earth to what? Get stronger? Be tested?

I have decided to take the so called "easier road" (quote from a lady in church) and believe that shit happens and some of us are so much more unlucky than others, but it isn't because of some kind of presence and the result of my actions. I don't believe it for a minute. The good and the bad are equally damned.

I am a good person. I haven't always made right choices but I try to most days. I help people in need when I can. My empathy button doesn't work like it use to, but who could blame me.

Hunting Season lasts a Lifetime

Loughlin's 1st and only Buck

Loughlin loved to hunt. He hunted in his free time as much as he could. He shot his 1st buck on one of the last day of hunting season. His first hunting season. The mount is beautifully hung going down our stairs. It was an awesome buck. 

True now loves to hunt even more than Loughlin did. He hunts morning and night. He never drew for a tag this year, but did get a bow permit. He shot his first buck with a bow the other night. Now it is Giles turn. It is the first weekend he can go. Harlen, True and Giles headed to Jordan Valley to try to fill Giles' permit. I hope he gets his 1st deer.

On the other hand it is hard for me to put on a smile and say go. It all makes my heart hurt so much. It makes me think of Loughlin and how much he missed, how much joy we missed in him succeeding, how hard it is to be overly excited for the other boys. I also know that their is danger each time they head out with their guns. My grandfather was shot and killed deer hunting in Utah. I have never been a fan and my anxiety is overwhelming when they go. 

Pheasant season opened today, next is duck and goose, then turkey. You see my anguish will go on forever, but hopefully the worry will subside a bit.

I love Hospitals

I was scheduled for a endoscopy and colonoscopy on Friday. Thursday I started the "cleaning out" process. I started the drain at about 8pm. I had cramps in my back and could barely leave the bathroom. I never slept all of Thursday night. I have a very sensitive stomach and I was miserable. So nothing to eat after Thursday 8pm, and nothing to drink after 4am Friday. I was in good spirits when I got there. (well I hate hospitals and my anxiety was huge) I went in for the procedure and they could not give me enough pain medicine. I was hurting, waking up out of a dead sleep to horrendous pain. They said they couldn't give me anymore meds and it wasn't controlling the pain. I made it through though.

I went home and slept. Saturday I still felt terrible, but Harlen wanted to get the house cleaned up, so I got up and helped, unwillingly. Sunday I started feeling better, but by the night my stomach was getting nauseated. I went to bed, woke up at 1am with horrendous acid reflux. It felt like it was burning my up from the inside out. It was one of my worst bouts. I threw up and I threw up. I threw up so hard I wet my pants. So I showered at 2am. I got out got dressed and started throwing up again. I threw up so hard I broke blood vessels in my eyes. I wet my pants again. (Getting old and having had 7 kids sucks) So I took my 2nd shower at about 3:30 am .

I got dressed and set pillows on my bed so that I was sitting and tried to get some sleep. It wasn't easy still. I was exhausted.

So last night I really needed some shut eye. I went to bed at 10. I had a small bit of reflux but slept through it. At 4 am I woke up with horrible diarrhea. The cramps were so bad up and down my back I was crying. It was with me on and off for the rest of the night and even this morning. I hope this is not a complication from the colonoscopy. I would rather throw up any day of the week.

I have one more test to complete and hopefully the Doc will agree to the surgery. It is hard to be a good wife and mom when you never feel good.

Yesterday Giles played football against Vale, ( the rival team) . I don't understand the rival because I never grew up here. They won 16-8. Everyone was excited. I was mmmmmmm . Giles didn't play much. I wish he would have just had fun instead of insisting on playing a sport he could really get hurt in.
Today Lea plays her 2nd to last volleyball game. She loves it and is going to miss it.

Coming Across another Accident

Most Wednesdays I travel to Boise to see my PTSD doctor. This Wednesday I left early because Lea needed a dress. I wanted to stop at Ross. As I was getting a drink at the Co-op in Parma I heard the sirens begin. I thought to myself I really have crappy timing. I get back in my car and there are so many sirens and cop cars and ambulances that I cannot think straight. There is an accident right outside of town. A mail van has been hit and their is a woman thrown from the vehicle on the ground, on a stretcher, another man lying next to her, but he must just be there to keep the victim calm. Life flight is on it's way. I see it in the distance. OMG I keep driving but the sounds and the thick air is all around me. I should probably pull over. I am in no shape to drive but the sirens would be blaring. The police keep passing me as I drive away from the accident, sheriffs, state police, city police, hey but on the upside they won't be pulling me over. (UPside)

I was lucky enough to have another panic attack. It took me an hour but I got myself through it. This process is slow, snail-like but it is getting a tiny bit better all of the time. Maybe one day I will hear a siren without my heartbeat beating out of my chest and my lips and my feet keeping their feeling.

Finding Answers to my health problems

I completed one test on Friday and I have 2 left most likely leading to surgery. 1/2 of my stomach is above my diaphragm . ( worse than the picture). I am sick quite often,3/5 days a week. I throw up. I have acid reflux that goes all the way up my nose. I wake up in a dream I am drowning and I am downing in my own acid. I am so tired. I can't go back to sleep afterwards.

I am worried about the outcome of the further tests but I am also relieved to know there could be an end to this part of my misery in life. Friday is my next test, an Endoscopy and Colonoscopy. Sounds like a party at my house Friday night. haha. You know it is bad when I am letting someone go that way on me. I am scared and grossed out. Immature perhaps but that is me. Hopefully I can get this fixed before the end of the year.

Wish me luck.

Happy 23rd Birthday Loughlin. I miss you every moment.

Loughlin through the Years


Here is the video I made for Loughlin's 21st birthday. I never posted it here. I hope you will enjoy all of the pictures.

Red Lobster for the family today because you loved it.

The Sun in the Eastern Horizon blinds my eyes but not my mind to my failures and inadequacies.

Yesterday as I drove the kids to school, I descended our hill, the blaring ball of fire was so immense that I could not see in front of me again. ( I say again, at least I think again. I don't really remember why I hit that truck.) It's nice to have something other than me to blame. The sun is an inanimate object. I am sure he can take the heat.

The whole accident came back in full force. The what ifs drowned me in my own self despair. How could I let this happen? How is Loughlin dead? Just writing those words socks me in the stomach taking the air out of my lungs. Almost 8 years and I still haven't conquered the "Acceptance" step of grief. The weight is enormous today. Sunday Loughlin would be 23. My God is there so much difference between 15 and 23? So much time has passed but in my mind, which isn't that stable, it was yesterday, and yet how is Giles a Freshman? Is it understandable that Loughlin will be "Forever 15" and yet everyone else is growing older? I am older, so much older. I feel it everyday. I have friends running marathons, I can't run downstairs to get toilet paper. ( I am sure I can find something else that will work.)

I keep a page for Loughlin on Facebook. I feel like people hate when I am down and only want uplifting posts. WTF These are the shoes I was given to walk this long dirt road we call life. I guarantee if you want to try them on you will be as Anastasia in Cinderella. They will look like a comfortable fit until the truth is revealed. They are my shoes and mine alone. I am not happy that 2 of my kids are in the cold ground. I am angry. I am sad. I am hurt. I feel ripped off. You talk of your grand babies and your weddings and my kids are gone. My future is forever degraded. My life forever decayed. I am a realist. I always have been. The smile on my face is real, or if it is absent it is absent for a reason. I will not pretend. My incredible son is dead. How do you smile through that? I am not always a miserable wretch. I love my other kids. I love to watch their accomplishments. I love to hear them sing. I love to even hear them argue. I love all the things I missed with Rhiannon and Loughlin. So quit looking at me with that pity face, like you could handle this so much better.

Shower to Shower Each Day

I can measure my depression by the time I spend in the shower. I hate the shower, the closed curtain, the steam, the difficulty breathing, the silence. I hate it. Last week I only took 1 shower in the 7 days. I know that is so disgusting, but I really didn't care. I changed clothes, underwear, used deodorant, straightened hair, used ponytails, hats. The shower is too much though.

I stay away from wherever I can. If I have to go I am sitting by myself, talking to as few as I can.

I don't know what brought it on, if anything. The first day of school, the start of September, Fall like weather, harvest, Cyrus moving out for school, the upcoming 23rd birthday for Loughlin, True moving out soon, any of these could be the culprit, but to be honest I am just tired. It seems I still suck at handling everyday mishaps. I get pulled over by an undercover, unmarked car in the middle of the country for using my phone. I had just picked up True's pickup that had run out of gas and was calling him to tell him his hunting stuff was safe. 500 yards later I am being pulled over. You know how much I love the lights and the sirens. They make my whole day run so smoothly. Then there are bills and an unfinished house that is pulling me down, not to mention my dirty house that I have been trying my best to get clean, but I don't have any energy, or desire. I only feel disappointment in not getting anything accomplished and a husband who sees only my inadequacies. If you add all of these together you might add up to depression + anxiety but actually it is just my life.

Giles in the Lion's Den, wait throw Maya too.

I am struggling with a decision that Giles, and Harlen, and me unwillingly have made. Giles wants to play football, not because he loves the game, but because it is the thing to do if you are cool in high school. I hate my kids playing football for Nyssa High School. There is no way in hell that the benefits out weigh the drawbacks. 1st and foremost the likelihood of a head injury is great. After dealing with 8 years of the negative results of a head injury with Maya and even Cyrus, I do not want there to even be a chance of this happening to Giles. I worry constantly about this.
The 2nd and most convincing reason is that I have lost my collective mind. The coach is an ass. There is no other way to put it. He berates these young boys. I believe he actually enjoys hurting some of these kids lives, not all, if you are an under privileged boy whom he thinks he can change your life and get credit for it. He is all in, but I guess losing your brother in a horrible car wreck and your family going to hell and back doesn't quite pass the test. He was bad to Loughlin, horrible to Cyrus, and the things he said to True were Nasty and could be criminal.
 I had to go to blue & white night yesterday. I sat in the hot sun listening to this man tell everyone how much he cares for the kids. OMG I can't breath.  I can feel the bile erupt in my throat. I am sick, physically sick. I want to run, throw Maya in the wheelchair, grab Giles and get the hell out of there. I want to get him far away from this self-righteous predator. But that isn't enough for this mom. Maya is asking if she can take stats for the football team. She can't play sports anymore so this is her alternative, not one but two kids will be in the grasp of this POS.  Is this how the parents of ancient times felt when they were asked to sacrifice their kids to the Gods? (I know a little over dramatic, and he is far from a God) but just another mountain to climb, another lesson learned, another parenting skill failed. Jail might be worth it.

And then there were 3.........

School started this morning for Nyssa. Maya is a Junior. Giles is a Freshman, and Lea is in 7th grade,
I couldn't even get myself to get a picture. Giles is a Freshman. I hate this year in school. I will be glad when November rolls around. He would make it past the dreadful October 27th. All I remember is this video. August 2008, the last real 1st day of school.

Never a Dull Moment

I have had a very eventful week. Fair began last Tuesday. We took 7 steers this year in our group. I thought they were the best set of steers we have had in a while, but the judge thought otherwise. We were placed in the middle throughout the fair. That's ok. You can't win them all and certainly not when their are 70 steers.

On the 2nd day of the fair. Harlen and I wandered down to the food court to get a bite to eat. As I was relaxing I heard a women start moaning and another lady start to scream. I turned just in time to catch an older lady as she was having a seizure. She was stiff and her eyes were set. I just kept thinking please don't die on me. 20 minutes later the EMT's came to get her off of me. She made a recovery and left the fair later that night. C-R-A-Z-Y I know.

The fair ended on Saturday night and I knew I just had one day to get some clothes washed and things cleaned up a bit before Maya's hip surgery at 7:30 am on Monday morning. I went out to feed the dogs first off and on my way back in the house a wasp stung me. I am allergic. I rushed in the house and found my Epi-Pen. I hate having to give myself a shot. I am miserable from the medicine seeping through my veins. My leg feels like it is on fire for hours after, but the other choice isn't a choice. So my Sunday was spent just living, not doing.

5:30 am we left for St. Lukes Boise. The surgery finally began about 9:30. It was supposed to take 90 minutes but the old screw did it's best to stay in her femur bone. They ended up using vice grips to pull it out piece by piece. The femur bone was then sawed off and the end was then screwed back in. The top part of the of femur bone was shaved down to re-form the hip. The surgery took 2 12 hours and this mom was frantic. She finally was in recovery but in a lot of pain. I felt so bad for her. 2 nights in the children's ward at the hospital and we are home. She still has a lot of pain and my back is aching from lifting her up and down. It is going to be a long recovery, 6 weeks. Hopefully each day get better. I love her so much. She is so strong and brave.

Weddings

Last night Harlen and I went to a reception of a very good friend of Loughlin's. We have stayed close to the family because our kids are close in age, 4-H and the fair. I love his mom to death. She is one of the most genuine people in the world.

That said I usually do not go to weddings of Lough's friends. It is agony. It is like a knife slicing through your soul and pulling out another piece of your heart, with the extra topping being the guilt you feel for feeling ripped off again when you should feel happy for the new couple. I felt happy for a while then the little branches of jealousy crept in to the soul.

I left the party nauseated and so full of anxiety and guilt that I was trembling. That should have been Loughlin. He should be entering into a joyous union with a beautiful young girl. I should be looking forward to grand babies. Actually if you want to rub salt in my open wound today you could say Rhiannon would be married, kids. This is not the plan I had for life. My children's deaths have sent my life on a road I never wanted to travel, but yet I am there and sometimes it is ugly and unbearable, but the light shines through and I see the joy through my other children. This life, different than I had dreamed, can still be joyous.

   I Lava You  My favorite song!

The phone call every mom dreads

An hour ago I just got a frantic call from Maya. She had wrecked the Side by Side next to the canal and had been thrown from it. She was hard to understand and I felt so damn helpless. I couldn't even understand where she was. Harlen, Cyrus and True took off to find her. I just listened on the phone to her sobs.

She is beat up but nothing major. I am so angry, sad, really messed up right now. I could only think the worse and even after she was home in my arms I cannot stop the tears. I am pissed off that I have no control over my life, my kids future, and the what if is killing me. I wouldn't make it without my beautiful girl. She is my sunshine. I love her more than life itself.

Fate can be so cruel. My mom is in the Hospital

Have you met Fate? Does anyone know what she looks like? I would like to talk to her. I would like to know why every time I get my feet underneath me she sweeps them away. Why I can't spend a week without a tragedy, setback, grief, or loss knocks on my door.

My mom was rushed in an ambulance to Utah Valley Hospital early this morning. She has been in ill health for a while now. She had her gall bladder out on the 10th of June. She was diagnosed with gout The next day she was sent home. She had one day at home. I talked to her 2 times on the phone. She wasn't herself. She was over emotional and didn't make sense when she spoke. This morning my dad left her side just to start the dryer and get a cup of coffee. When he came back to the bedroom my mom was face sown on the dressing room floor. (hardwood) and non responsive. My dad tried to get her to respond for a while and then called 911. She is now in the hospital in a medical induced coma. She has never gained consciousness. I am still in Oregon. I am going out of my mind. I am going to leave tomorrow. I will miss Lea's last game. What if my mom never wakes up? I am heartbroken again.
.

Monday May 30th, 1988 Memorial Day

Today marks 28 years since Rhiannon passed away. That is a long time. It is a Monday. It is Memorial Day, just like the day she died. The foundation of the headstone is failing. I would like to bring her up here with me. My parents are growing old and having a hard time taking care of it. 

I wonder if it is worth it? 

True's Graduation

M kids!

We had a great day with family and friends for True's graduation. 

He made me so proud graduating with honors.

He has such a great time in life.

After we had a big celebration party in the park below our house.

We had a great turnout. The day couldn't have been better.

Bullying/Abuse 10/28/2015

How do I start this post? I am disheartened. I have had problems with teachers and coaches in the past, my past and my kids' past, but this is WOW!

Last week on the anniversary of Loughlin's death the football coach( I use that word lightly) called True out of weights class to ask him, how many kids on the team liked True. True answered a lot, there my friends. He got in his face and said really how many? True answered, they like me. Then the coach told True not a single kid on the team liked True(not that nice). True is a big kid, 6ft. 3in. but he was crushed. He gave 4 years of his life to this man. He thought there was a mutual respect, even though when now pressed he knows he was an asshole for the whole 4 years.He always treated True poorly.

This the same man who took Loughlin's position away from him because he couldn't go to football camp for a week because we were haying. Loughlin quit soon afterwards, very smart.

This the same man who gave Cyrus a "C" in PE because he said Cyrus forgot his clothes, even though I had packed his bag the entire time and knew it wasn't true. I asked to see the records that he bragged he had and he told me to come by later, but I received a phone call from him saying he had conveniently threw the ledger away. Cyrus was a 4.0 student before this.

So much anger is pinned up inside me. I am not going to publish this until after the State game on Friday. I don't want to bring further angst down on my son. 

As a mom who has lost 2 children it is so hard for me not to hate this man, not to wish something horrible would happen to him, even hire someone to make him feel the way he has made my kids feel. It is sad. True loved football before him, loved! He excelled on every team.

This man also pulled True out of class many times in the last 2 years to push an LDS mission on him, during school hours, on school property. Clearly a violation of the Separation of Church & State.

Bitter Sweet Graduation videos

Giles graduated from 8th grade last night. I have never been a great fan of 8th grade graduation because I think it is just another grade on the the was to high school graduation. I feel like it is cutting the celebration a little early. But he made it. He barely made it at times but he did make it. He is popular and funny. He is stubborn as a mule, but it can be a good thing. He struggled a bit because of his surgery and subsequent time spent in the wheelchair. He had a difficult time catching up. I am proud of him for making it to the next level.

8th grade graduation is one of the last times I had a picture of Loughlin. Last night they did a slide show of all of the kids. They played current music to all of the pictures and video clips. Then right before a video of Giles showing off his yoyo skills the music changed to Green Day's, "Good Riddance", Loughlin's favorite song and group. The song was released in 1997. It is more than coincidence that this song was chosen, at least for me. Loughlin's way of saying great job Giles!

Happy 21st Birthday Cyrus.......busy busy

My Cyrus turned 21 yesterday. He is still at the U of O so our celebration is put off for a couple of weeks.  

We messaged each other in the morning about music. We called later at night.

He sounds great. He sounds happy. I can't wait for him to come home for the summer. 

Happy Birthday Cyrus. I love you more than life itself!

Last night Lea had a game in Vale at 6pm and a choir concert at 7 in Nyssa. (30 minutes apart)

We played 1 1/2 innings in Vale jumped in the van and sped off so she could sing in her concert. The team still won 13-0 and she sang beautifully. 

Maya also had her Select Choir Concert last night. I love to hear her sing. She has this low raspy voice mimicking Stevie Nicks. She is hypnotizing. 

The worst panic attack in years

I have had an interesting 7 weeks. I have felt sick for a lot of it, weak, lightheaded, nauseated, exhausted. Thy have performed a CVC on my blood 3 times. Nothing really telling but my white count is high. We tried a series of antibiotics but nothing changed in the white count.

My insurance booted Maya & me off for no proof of citizenship in the United States. I know haha but it has taken a while to prove our citizenship, actually we are not fully back on yet, but in the mean time my prescriptions came due. One of my meds is $460 for a refill without insurance. I decided I wasn't going to do it. I would go off cold turkey, just quit. It was horrible. I felt probably like a drug addict coming off heroine. I was shaking so bad I couldn't eat or drink without making a huge mess. It felt like my skin was a useless shell. I wanted to crawl out of it, peel it off. It was a rough 5 days. I made it though. I am back on my old med again. I am glad I went through it. My emotions are back. I have laughed more in the last week than I have in years. I have cried too, but at least I have both. Rhiannon's birthday and the stress of True's graduation and party are putting more weight on my shoulders and now softball has started. I am coaching 19 girls on Lea's team this year. Maya is helping but whew! That is stressful. We are 2-0 to start the season though.

Yesterday Lea hadn't felt good in the morning so I just kept her with me. We did a few errands around town. One of those errands was straightening out the workmen's comp insurance again....... The office is right across the street from the fire department...............
The sirens went off. It was deafening. I was paralyzed. I don't know if I actually took a breath once in the time it took me to get to the door. I wrote 2 checks and told them whatever happens just call me and I headed for the door. The siren seemed to blare for hours, days, decades. I made it to my car. Lea holding my hand the whole way. "It's ok mom',"Everybody is ok, mom" . I wanted to rush to my family. Check everyone. Do I dare drive? OMG when will this noise stop? Fire truck after fire truck rushing by. Is that an ambulance. I am sick. I am physically sick. My head is spinning. 'Just Breathe'. All I am required to do at this moment is breathe. I can do this. I don't have any meds with me. I have to do this. I have to pull it together. Who will get my kids? Who will coach the game? Who? Why does this still haunt me. I am back in the ambulance 7 yrs ago. My son is dead. I am back in my room 28 years ago my baby is dead. Why must their be the sound of the sirens? I am here. Where are my babies? Where is Harlen. What if they are going to them? What if it is them that is hurt, dead?  Breathe, you just have to breathe. My feet are numb. My hands are shaking. My lips are tingling. I have 5 minutes to get it together. 5 minutes to pick up the kids. OMG I am not going to make it. Loughlin is dead. Rhiannon is dead. The sirens, they won't stop. I plug my ears but I can still hear. I can still see them lying there, cold, dead. Breathe. Lea sing to me, just sing me a song, any song. Sing me your new song the one you made up last night. I love it. I love you so much. You are pulling me out. You are alive. Maya & Giles are fine. True & Kevin are with Harlen. Everyone is ok. I am going to make it. I am going to live. The panic is subsiding. The shaking is controllable. I will make it home. I will make it to the game and we will actually win. I conquered it.

Have I told you how much I hate sirens of any kind?

Weddings, Graduations, and Rhiannon's Birthday

Today is Sunday May 15th. 28 years ago I was going into labor with my daughter that I had planned to give up for adoption. 28 years ago I was 18.

Harlen and I went out for a date last night. We are planning True's graduation party and getting announcements out. He asked me about my graduation, funny that isn't in his nature. I have to admit I haven't thought about my graduation probably since I graduated. I wasn't the typical high school graduate. I never was a friend/crowd kind of kid. I bucked the system, despised authority, and I was 8 and 3/4 months pregnant. I had home schooled for the month before giving birth, before that I didn't show and there was no point in leaving school. I came back 1 week before graduation just after giving birth. I would go to school and then go to the hospital where Rhiannon was, because of blood sugar problems. She was an accutane baby. She had this cute little curled ear to prove my disregard for precautions in taking dangerous meds and having sex. I was a rebel. I didn't care about much. When she was born I didn't hold her. I was afraid of not being able to give her up. 18 hrs later I found out the adoptive parent had backed out and she was alone. They didn't want a defective baby. This turned out to be one of the greatest blessings of my life. I got to spend 2 weeks with a beautiful little girl that changed my life, not all at once, but in little increments. She showed me unconditional love and showed me how to give it in return.

Any way back to graduation, I went. I graduated. I came home to my little Rhiannon that my aunt Mary had been babysitting, no party, no drinking, no stupid decisions. I had already made so many. I was an adult, and yet I wasn't. 4 days later she was dead. Monday May 16th, 1988 my life changed forever. Monday May 30th it changed again. It changed positively and negatively. It showed me a love that I had never felt before. It created a distrust of mankind that has never gone away. It created a bond between my kids before and after they were born. Those 9 months, but especially the last 2 weeks formed my life in ways I would have never planned. Rhiannon was my blessing.

My mailbox has been full of wedding announcements of Loughlin's friends in the last months, graduation announcements from college. Don't get me wrong I love these kids. The were a big part of Loughlin's life. I am so happy for them. But the invites are a not so subtle reminder of what my life is missing and it is hard to smile through. Rhiannon 28, Loughlin graduating from college. Time keeps moving, spinning. I wish I knew a better way to look forward to my future. Rhiannon & Loughlin are constantly on my
mind these last few days. I love them and miss them so much.

Another Mother's Day and Maya turns "Sweet 16"

This year Maya's birthday and Mother's day landed on the same day. I really love it when that happens. I have a reason to celebrate the day. Maya turned 16 this year, and it is named exactly for her "Sweet 16". My beautiful baby girl is beyond sweet all of the time. She is fun. She makes life exciting and fun most of the time. She has so many friends in life because she really is nice. She is my biggest fan. I love her more than I could ever describe in the English language. She is going to have a giant party when her friends are done with all of their sports. Happy Birthday my beautiful, smart, fun, happy, hilarious daughter!

On Saturday night we went out to eat at Mongolian BBQ followed by bowling, not always my favorite, but bowling with all my favorite people was fun. The next morning Cyrus took me to breakfast with McKayla and her mom Lawanda before Cyrus had to go back to the U of O. I had so much fun. Cyrus has the best sound system in his car and the drive back was so enlightening, a little Bob Dylan, Jimmy Hendrix, Blake Mills. I got the best and thoughtful gifts. From Harlen I received my favorite perfume that I had just emptied that morning, Cyrus gave me a Pearl Jam vinyl. True gave me 6 1/2 pounds of hot tamales (my favorite) and a few chocolate covered cinnamon bears, that will last me 6 months. Maya and Lea gave some beautiful jewelry and lip sticks. Giles gave me a 12 pack of coke. I wasn't sad at all, until the day had come to an end. I had so much I almost forgot what I was missing, but when I was fatigued the grief socked me in the gut and reminded me that life really never will be the same. That day we laughed and talked. We smiled and ate. We hugged and giggled. We were blessed and in the end I cried. The joy of the day reminded me of how it always was before. I am so thankful for the day of rejoicing, for the feelings of yonder days. I love my family so much, even my added family, Kevin and McKayla. One day this family will begin to grow and change and morph. When that day comes I wonder if I pains of the past will still be felt? Just writing about my feelings brings up the panic and anxiety. 

Let's lighten the mood again. Funny huh? 3 days before Mother's Day Maya had me go through all these funny picture modes on Snapchat.  

We were laughing so hard. It felt so good. At least it makes me look skinny. hahaha. She posted this on her FaceBook. Most mom's would freak but she wrote I am posting this because I love you so much and I love to make you smile. I hope life is changing . I love to laugh again. 

Nightmares

I made it 4 nights after the trial before the Nightmares hit again. I have a version of what happened that day. I have my version of where everyone was after the accident. There were 2 sheriffs and an EMT that each had their version of how things were that testified. Maya never woke up in my version. She did in the sheriff's version. So then NeuroPsychologists argue the effects of Maya knowing or not knowing that her brother was laying next to her, dead. Does she remember? Has she stuffed these memories deep in her psyche? There was no argument on her Traumatic Brain Injury and learning disabilities.

But what this has done to me is opened up that huge gaping wound that I have spent years stitching closed. The testimony about how this was the worst accident that the EMT had come across or that one of the sheriffs had quit because of the trauma of the job. The picture makes you wonder how any of us lived.

You see I can't quit. I am in this for the long haul. I am in this for better and for the worse. I am here watching kids make poor choices because they don't know what PTSD is and they wouldn't get help if they did, only the weak admit to needing help. I am weak. I am once again in an abyss. I lived through the worst holiday this last weekend, Easter. I hate it. It is like that carrot being strung out in front of the horse to get it it to move, but this horse is dead and buried. The promise I am asked to listen to is hurtful to one with no hope.

Some Things are Better Left Unsaid .

For the last 3 days Harlen, Maya and I have been in court for 9 hours. Well Maya came and went as they needed her. We didn't want her sitting through all of the testimony. Yesterday the ruling came down from the jury. It was very good news for Maya. She will get her needs met for school and beyond. We are finally done with everything legal related to the accident. You would think I would be elated, jumping for joy, but I find myself barely climbing out of bed. I am down, so down. I believe in some sick way that through this pain I was holding on to a memory of Loughlin. I was holding on to the last time I was with him, that I could touch his skin, feel his hair, tell him I loved him. I know sick. Why would I want that excruciating pain? Pain is better than the void. Pain is better than nothingness. Pain is better than the abyss that is coming my way.

The other reason for the pain? I spent 3 days having specialists and Dr's tell me that because of that day, 7 1/2 years ago, October 27, 2008, Just driving to school, my mistake, my fault, my culpability, my beautiful baby girl will not ever be what I have promised her she always could be. 

I heard evidence piled upon evidence that Maya will not be able to make it through college, she will not probably be able to get the job she has always wanted, a teacher. I knew she struggled. I helped her, her teachers helped her, but on her own she will not be able to do it. I knew these things, but it took a Dr. and a lawyer to explain to me that her dreams are just dreams. I am heartbroken for her. I have instilled in her a love for higher learning and how important it will be in her life. She wanted to be a Math teacher. Even if she graduates from college, will she make it through a job with her learning disabilities because of the Traumatic Brain Injury. They said no. My guilt grows and grows. I will continue to help her. She is a beautiful smart girl with so much life. She testified yesterday. I saw it all. I saw what they were testifying about for 3 days. How could I have been so blind. Maya, I am so sorry. Ignorance is certainly on the side of bliss, but our life has not been blissful for a long time.

2 Down 1 to Go

Two weeks ago we settled Giles' case out of court with an arbitrator. In Oregon law there is a top to an award with an arbitrator. We were not asking for that much, but the arbitrator watched Giles struggle so much through his testimony that he awarded Giles the max. It was a relief not to have to go through anymore of this with Giles. I think it woke the insurance company up a bit.

Friday we had a mediation with the judge on True's case. It took about 4 hrs but we ended up with a reasonable amount that will take care of True's upcoming bills for his teeth and some for further counseling in his life. I was grateful to have it over. True was also. It feels like some of the weight is off my shoulders.

Monday is Maya's trial, yes trial. The insurance company is showing their teeth and they are pointed and jagged and thirsty for blood. They have no intentions of settling with us. They believe they are standing on principles. I believe they are standing on the heartache and disabilities of my daughter. I am firm at this point. After the hell they have put us through for 7+ years I will die before I let them win, even if I have to take 2 valiums a day to get through. She is worth it. She is worth my world. I would give it all up just for her to have a fighting chance. They owe her that. Exactly what is insurance for?

I am having a Panic Attack / Anxiety Attack

Before I left to take Maya, I passed the heifers calving in the field. I saw one that had her uterus a bit out so I went to investigate. As I was driving down the dirt road I saw a red heifer flat ot moving and her calf almost out not moving either. I lost it. I couldn't get anyone on the phone. Harlen finally answered and by that time I was frantic. Instead of helping me calm down he yelled at me for getting excited about the heifer. He told me no cow is worth that. Well I hate to see anything dead. I don't care what it is. It shook me up horribly. I jumped out of the van and ran down the hill. She moved and jumped up, the calf started to breath. Everything turned out ok. Then I tried to calm down.

Yesterday I took Maya's friends out on a date as their chaperon. I really do love Maya's friends. She has been blessed in life with an abundance of different friends that have mostly loved and supported her through the years. They had so much fun.

On the way home I started having a panic attack. My plates are expired. I found out a couple of days before but have not had time to renew them. I am deathly afraid of police, not police themselves but the sirens and the lights and the authority that comes along with them. My dad taught me at an early age to question authority and I have. It is part of my personality and is ingrained in my mind. I hate the sirens and lights because it is an intricate part of my PTSD for the last 7 years. I couldn't sleep last night. I got up so many times. I was so thirsty, nothing would come close to quenching it. So the lack of sleep just feeds the panic.

I am exhausted to feel this intent flight or fight feeling for such a long period of time without reprieve. I have been sleeping on and off throughout the day. My chest is heavy. I am dizzy. I am nauseated. My head is spinning.I wish I knew a way to ease this feeling. I wish I could be whole again. It seems and over the top dirty trick to lose to children in this horrible existence but then have this disease attached to you. I want to feel normal again, but I can't remember what normal is.

Going Back

Giles has been out of school for 2 weeks. He is horribly behind. In fact so far behind that he might never catch up. He is fighting going back. Wednesday we tried to get him to go back but he got so anxious he was actually sick to his stomach. Thursday, Harlen got him in the car and started towards the school but by the time they got there Giles was inconsolable. He went in only to leave. Friday we didn't even try. He went with Harlen to deliver bulls to Washington. He wants to run away. I feel for him. The sad part of this is Cyrus went through this after the accident. We left him crying and made him go. It was the worst thing I ever did to Cyrus. I should have took him back home, loved him and had patience with him, because it really scarred him. Maya after her SCFE operation I threw her back into school when she was already struggling. Life never got better for her in Adrian again. Giles is sitting in the recliner watching "Psyche" and crying, telling me how hard it is. Another fork in the road. Which is the right way? My heart wants to keep him home, protect him, but my mind knows he needs to go back and face his fears, his anxiety. I am not one to show him an example of facing your fears. I wish I could take it away from him. I love him so much. He is still my baby boy.