My Grandpa's 92 years & Memorial Day

 I lost my Grandpa Harvey yesterday. I was so blessed to have him in my life. He was a hero. He served in World War II. He was on Normandy Beach. He came home an alcoholic. He drank until, one too many days he woke up, hung over, sometimes not where he thought he should be. He pulled himself together and made it to an AA meeting. He made 50 years sober before he passed away. In the time after he was sober, he married my grandma. I feel so lucky that he chose to be my Grandpa. He didn't have to but he did. He loved having this huge garden with my dad every year. He called it his farm and I always chuckled because I lived on a real one. I am really going to miss him and his dark humor. He loved me like I was his own and just like my Grandma Hamann never judged me.

I wish Memorial Day was what it was meant to be, a time to honor our soldiers who died in the line of duty. I would love that. I would do what I could to honor all of them.

 I don't like that it has become a forced decoration day for the graves. I want to be able to decorate the graves when I want to. I don't understand this. I hate feeling guilty. I shouldn't have to feel guilty over the graves of my two children. So I decorated Loughlin's and everyone else in the Garner family. Sure they are beautiful but my heart is raw at the passing of my Grandpa yesterday. Sometimes I don't know if I can endure much more. In our tiny area we have Loughlin,  Harlen's dad, Val (died at 62), his brother , Stacey (died at 33 of a bee sting), His Grandma & Grandpa, His Uncle Blair (who died at 14 of Rheumatic Fever), Above us is our Uncle Dee, also a World War II vet and Braden Wheeler, who died at 2. His Grandma is a Garner and she was also my best friend, his mom was my kid's babysitter and just like a daughter. Also just West of Loughlin is Kaylin Schulthies, daughter of my other best friend, (she died of cancer at 15) The cemetery is proof to me that we have no control in this life and faith has nothing to do with how easy your life is.

Val Garner with his love

And as for guilt. Rhiannon is buried in the Evergreen Cemetery in Springville, Utah. I can't decorate her grave today, or most days. I am so busy in life that I hardly ever travel there. Guilt. She is by herself there. My Grandma & Grandpa are buried across the road and down about 200 yards from her. Their son Stephen is there ( He was 3 when he drowned in the creek next to their house) and my cousin April who died at 18 of cancer also. God has not been kind to our 2 families on early deaths. The cemetery is depressing. I want to be able to go when I want to go without judgement from the judging community.

Cyrus turned 20 today

Cyrus turned 20 today. He has always been a super good kid. He is so smart and handsome. He has been through so much and has found a way to not only to get through it but to conquer it. He is my hero. He always will be.

He was our little cowboy. He was an incredible showman. He succeeded in everything he tried. He and Loughlin were always best friends. 

He is transfering to the University of Oregon in the Fall. I am so glad (closer, better roads) He wants to major in English. He thought engineering was boring. He wants to teach and write for a living. I couldn't be prouder. I wish I could too. Happy Birthday Son, I love you more than you will ever know.

Pulled in a million directions

Am I a taffy machine? I feel like I am being pulled in so many directions that I don't know which way I should actually be going. It seems everyone wants something and there is only one of me. I thought I could handle all of this when I jumped in but now that I am waste deep, up to my neck, over my head, I am questioning my sanity in getting so involved. I am exhausted. It felt good to have a purpose but now it feels lousy not to finish anything.

Maya is 15

Maya 6 months

Miss Maya turned 15. I could spend the day bragging about her. She is sweet and kind. She is popular and sassy. She is beautiful and smart. (and she is winning the battle with her TBI) She is pitching this year for softball and can I say Ouch? I was umping behind her plate in practice and a gal ticked the ball which came back and hit me in the boob. I have a bruise as big as the softball. I wake up when I roll over on my side it hurts so bad. But back to the beauty queen, She has a lovely voice and is my helper in the house. I love her so much. Look at her, her smile brightens the day of anyone that comes in contact with her. I wish I had her talents!

Maya 14 1/2 years.

Rhiannon's Birthday 27 years old

This is Rhiannon and I when she was a week old. May 23, 1988. I don't know how many times I have told my story but I was 17 when I got pregnant and 18 when I had her. I had planned on giving her up for adoption but the adoptive parents backed out on us at the last minute. She had low blood sugar , so they kept her at the hospital for 5 days. That left 9 days with her. I brought her home from the hospital. I loved her so much. She was so beautiful and such an easy baby. I was reluctant but excited, scared but fulfilled. So many mixed emotions inside me, but I was happy, really happy.

I have very few pictures of her, in fact 2 and a video. I didn't know I wouldn't have her long. I should have took so many more. I was young and stupid and believed in a fair and just world, not really, but that was my excuse. In 2 weeks she would die of SIDS next to me in my bed. Who said life was fair?

Mother's Day

It's funny about Mother's Day. About the time I was old enough to appreciate my mother, I was a mother. I had Rhiannon 8 days after Mother's Day 1988. I was a mom. I held her and fed her and loved her. Then I wasn't a mother. For 5 years I watched other mother's and felt cheated and angry, but most of all I was by myself in my agony. Then Loughlin was born. For 15 years I had motherhood bliss. Cyrus 2 yrs after and then True 3 yrs after that. Maya, my beautiful girl 2 yrs later and followed by Giles and then the biggest surprise was Lea. I was so blessed and happy. Pregnancy was horrible for me. I felt sick everyday. Threw up everyday including delivery day but it was so worth it. My kids were my everything, They still are. But Mother's Day I would rather skip it , pretend like it isn't there. I love my mom and wish her a happy day but I wish that for her everyday. I guess I should be 5/7's happy I know. It is the missing chairs, the missing smiles, and laughs. It is just missing. I am not sleeping again. The letters from the lawyers are coming in the mail again, When will this nightmare end?

Irate

Irate

Tears are stinging. 

Head is ringing. 

There are questions that linger.

That deserve the finger.

See I am irate.

God laughs, berates.

Saints talk about faith.

All that’s left is wraith.

Every day I see him dead. 

When I am lying in bed. 

When I drive down the road. 

The love is stowed. 

Rhiannon, she’s there. 

I’m froze. I just stare. 

Her body so cold. 

SIDS I’m told. 

But both are in the ground. 

Their voice makes no sound. 

I feel defeated. 

Defenseless and cheated. 

Sit here lost in my mind. 

Memories are so hard to find. 

The anger fogs my sight. 

Also darkens the light. 

Heart is shattered. 

Soul is tattered. 

There is no hope. 

Only ways to cope.

A poem from my Soul.

Sanctimonious

sanc·ti·mo·ni·ous

ˌsaNG(k)təˈmōnēəs/

adjective
derogatory

making a show of being morally superior to other people.

synonyms

: self-righteous, holier-than-thou, pious, pietistic, churchy, moralizing,preachy, smug, superior, priggish, hypocritical, insincere; informal goody-goody I am exhausted today. I am tired for so many reasons. I just returned from a very long driving trip with Harlen. It was interesting to see so many different people and places, but we drove and we drove. I don't do well away from home and I really struggle in a moving vehicle for a long period of time. I missed my kids so much while I was gone, but it was Harlen's birthday and he wanted me to go with him and I did want to go, but now my body is paying for it. Maybe that is some of the reason my emotions are going crazy. But they are and I find it hard not to blame the church once again. I find it hard not to hate it. I reminisce about my teenage years in a predominately LDS community. I was a wild one. Things happened to me that paved a road that, true I could have veered off, but stayed on. I was pregnant at 17 and the scourge of the community. I could have sewed and "A" on my chest and it wouldn't have made a difference. It was ugly. I was rebellious and at most times could have cared less what people thought, I believed they were SANCTIMONIOUS. I saw through even at an early age the bullshit that surrounded me. Even after having Rhiannon and her unforeseen, traumatic death the rumors continued, even as far as to blame me for her death. I hated that town. I still don't like to go back. People talk. I hate most people. So as a mom I thought my kids are good kids. They didn't do the things I did. I guess the bar has been raised. You know Cyrus was treated horribly by his LDS peers and even his leaders. In fact it continues today because he didn't serve a mission. Funny why would he want to bring anyone else into his hell? Now it is happening again but to True. Do you remember being 16? How hard it was to get enough courage to ask a girl out? Especially to Prom? The girl is sweet and cute and she really likes him. So he did it. He asked her. Her parents responded that True is a bad kid and she absolutely can't go with him. I see True through a mom's eyes. He is a young man that likes to have fun, but he is a good kid. He doesn't party, drink, smoke. He has a heart the size of Texas and just as warm. He is so grown up about the whole thing. But he told me he doesn't want to grow up to be a Mormon like that. He never would. He sees the best in people and sticks up for everyone who is being picked on. As for me this is just more ammunition to stay so far away from a church like this. Harlen tells me I need to separate the church from the people, BUT THE CHURCH IS THE PEOPLE. If I could stay home every Sunday and listen to the Church officials I might make it. But that is not the way this church is designed, and this is also not how I am designed. HYPOCRITES ARE ASSHOLES, AND THE SAME PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS BE IN CHARGE OF THIS CHURCH WITH THE SAME NAMES AND SAME SANCTIMONIOUS ATTITUDES. TODAY I HATE IT!!!!!!!

Mark on this World

Loughlin's Bull

Since  the day Loughlin was born, I thought as a mom, he will really make a mark on this world. Yesterday I donated the money from his bull we sold in the sale. I came away with the feeling that this is not the mark I intended for Loughlin to make. It was depressing at the same time it felt good to give. It made me sad. It's so hard that even your husband doesn't understand how this could effect you, how you could feel sad doing this. I am tired of trying to explain.
I also visited Loughlin's grave yesterday. You could still see plainly the cut out of where he was buried. Hard to imagine it's been over 6 years. Yesterday was the first time in a long time I felt like giving up. For over 6 years I have had a lot on my plate but always fell short. I can't keep up. Some days it is all I can do to get my kids to school. I have all these lofty goals and everyday I fail. I am most days a complete failure. Tired of being asked why I can't get more done. I hate this.

Cat Scans and Contribution day

True

True had a Cat Scan today. He has been having a lot of pain in his lower abdomen for a while now. They thought it was a hernia but couldn't find it. Now they are on an exploration to find the cause. I am nervous. I am sick worrying. I wish we knew the cause, for not knowing is torture.

Loughlin Showing

I also took around the money to the Music, Band and Art Department today from Loughlin's bull. I have been procrastinating it. I knew it would be hard. I love doing it, but the forced memories are hard to hold back. He was an incredible artist.

Loughlin's Bull that sold in our Sale this year to Rocky Sherbine

He had a beautiful voice and loved to sing. Even though he rarely did in public. One year he sang a solo in the choir concert. He was so brave. Here is the song he sang.......

Loughlin's Solo Song Daniel Powter, "Bad Day"

Oh how I miss him. I write my memories of him because I am so afraid one day I won't remember. My heart is aching today. He could have made a mark on this world. Now his mark is made with contributions in his name. I guess at least it is something.

Birthdays ! Giles is 13

Happy Birthday Giles! 

He turned 13 today. 

He is always so much fun. He decides he likes something new and he learns it and masters it. 

He is smart, popular, hilarious, stubborn but honest and loyal. I am grateful everyday that he is part of my life. 

He misses his brother so much. He breaks down once in a while when things just get too difficult. 

He is the perfect middle between Maya and Lea. They both love him more than mac & cheese ( and that is a lot) 

He was the easiest baby. He is an easy kid to raise. I hope he has a great day. 

We are eating at his favorite Mongolian Barbecue tonight. 

Next week, paint balling and pizza with his friends.

Today is also my Grandma Harmer's Birthday and my Cousin April's. My Grandma lived a hard life. She lost her little Stephen when he was just 3. She missed him until the day she died. April died at 18 of cancer. I really miss them both.

Prince, 5 seconds, Anger and Good Will Hunting

This is our Bull Calf, Prince

Prince was a twin out of one of our best mama cows. The mom decided she just wanted to raise the the heifer twin and kicked Prince off. He never received the much need colostrum and when a calf goes with out the first feeding from his mom his life is always a struggle. For 2 days we worked to keep him alive. We tubed him and massaged him. We moved him to the outside office and heated the room, Harlen finally even IV'd him. Lea and me sat with him for hours. We even sang to him. We tried so hard to keep him alive. His brother was one of my favorite bulls in the sale this year. This afternoon he started to look better. He even tried to get up, but by the time I got home from EMDR he had died. My heart aches so much every time we lose a calf. 

I had an EMDR appointment today. I usually don't drive myself, but Harlen was dropping his pick-up off at Edmark to fix the seat. So I drove. A Canyon County Sheriff followed me from Parma to the highway. I was on high alert. I hate cop cars. When I entered the freeway an Idaho State Policeman was behind me, more nerves, more panic. I put on my blinker to change lanes and he puts his lights on behind me. I have to pull over while cars are passing me at 65 mph, lights on, nauseated. He tells me I didn't put my blinker on for a full 5 seconds before I switched lanes? He said I did for about 3 seconds.What 5 seconds, you only have to ride a bull for 8 to score a 91. You can cook a Krispe Kreme in 5 seconds. 5 seconds with a blinker on is an eternity. He also indicated my license plate was not showing "Oregon". I have been driving the same van with the same license plate for 7 years. Then the seatbelt. He brought me back a ticket for a seatbelt. I had taken it off to talk to him. WTH I call BS. I am really starting to hate cops. My tongue is bleeding from biting it. Anyway the law actually states 5 seconds or a hundred feet. If you are driving 65 mph. I know I was past a hundred feet. So they can't catch a killer in Notus but they can waste their time pulling panicked drivers over for no reason. 

After getting Harlen we head to my session. I am so stressed. Lately I have been feeling so anger. I have mostly ept it contained but I don't know if that is the right way to handle it. EMDR kept me in the funeral for Loughlin and all the anger I felt, to God, to family, to the nonsense people muttered. It all comes out. I remember so much. I think this will take away most my anger.I hope it will help me forgive an forget. 

I came home and just wanted to veg. I started watching "Good Will Hunting". I loved this movie but I hadn't watched it in 20+ years. The language was atrocious, but so is mine lately. This picture, do you remember this picture? I started to cry. This is me. I am on the high seas. The waves engulf me. There is nowhere to go. I have to stay here and try not to drown or be ravaged by the sharks that surround me, for they are everywhere, and if they smell blood in the water I am finished. The skies are dark, and the wind is harsh. I am exhausted. I am alone in my fight to survive. I have been fighting for so long. God has long forsaken me. It would be easiest to let the oars go, lay back and fall into an eternal sleep but my kids need me more than ever. So I shall tarry on. <3 p="">

EMDR and me

Yesterday I spent another hour reliving the accident and all the feelings that surround it. I always start in the same place, Loughlin lying lifeless on the bench of the suburban, cold, so cold. I am half out of my mind, more than half. Yelling at the top of my voice that I have killed my son. I have a hard time leaving that scene in my memory. I am laying next to him. I am trying to stay with him but I am being pulled away, forced to leave him, being told that everything will be alright, but I know more than any of the bystanders. I know that it will never be ok again. I had already given one of my babies to them. They take them. They cut them open. They try to  sew them up and make them look alive again, but they are cold, so cold. My babies are gone and they will never come back. In my memory I am yelling, "Don't lie to me. It is not ok. It will never be fine. I will never be fine. Rhiannon is gone, cold, dead , in the ground, and now Loughlin is leaving and his fate is the same. He will be gone forever." I hate all of them. I hate everyone. I hate God. I really hate God. This is a cruel existence. What is the point of all of it? Am I getting better? Is this anger, again part of the process? I have been angry for so long. I am going to end up a bitter old woman. I am bitter? My heart is broken. It breaks constantly every moment. Maybe surviving is all I can muster.

Life or what is left of it.........

I figure I am half way through life, which is somewhat unfortunate, not because I have so much I still want to do, or that my life so far has been so wonderful that I am sorry time is getting shorter. It really has to do with the level exhaustion that I feel every day. It doesn't matter how much sleep I get or don't get, if I am sick for 5 weeks or at the height of health, I am fatigued. I breath in. I breath in. I somewhat breath out. I breath in again. I watch the world go by. I feel it spin, could be my head, yes it is my head, but it makes me feel less crazy to believe I can feel the world spin. Now that is crazy.......................................................................................................................................................

Speaking of crazy, I went to church for the first time in 6 weeks. Either I am further removed or the parishioners are somewhat more hypocritical, insane, self-righteous, gullible, vain...that was a word used often on Sunday. Vain, coming from the parking lot that resembles Edmark Chevrolet. My 1993 Cadillac is running again. I think I will clean it up and start driving it. I wonder how many bodies I can fit in the trunk? I love the looks I get, kind of like the looks I got when my dad took me to school in his '54 Cattle truck, or maybe the looks I got in Springville in 1988 when I would actually go out in my condition, add the Budweiser high tops I bought off the clearance rack at Mervyns, and the feces colored Subaru hatchback, singing Madonna's "Material Girl". 

Can you see I'm crazy............

The picture: I liked it, plus how can you go wrong with Johnny Depp.

PTSD Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

***I just want you to know how great it felt when I finally understood what has been going on with me for the last 6 years. It is a horrible existence when you just think you are crazy and everyone is judging you and looking on. This only helps me though. No one around me has felt these uncontrollable feelings, they put you down, make you feel worthless, because you can't be who you use to be. They pile on. A church that judged harshly, loss of friends, loneliness are all part of this venture. 

Slam on the breaks, my heart jumps through the ceiling, an ambulance drives by and I am incapacitated, oh look there is lifeflight on the roof of the hospital, horns honk. All of these things ruin my day, do they you? 

How many traumatic events have I had in my life? I don't talk of some, they are horrendous and nauseating and they took their toll on my menial life. But I did see 2 of my children lying lifeless next to me. That would count me in this group. I wish I had known sooner. I wish someone could have helped. I wish there was a God that thought I had been through enough but there wasn't. So I looked insane in front of my kids. Do you know where I am today. I am angry, so angry. I want to scream out, " Why"? And I hate you. You know who you are. You left me alone, alone in my suffering and looked on with glee. I hate you! I want to give up because these new memories are too hard to process. There he is just lying and you , you are pulling me away from him and I hate you for that. Put me in the ground with him. I deserve it. My babies, my babies, my babies. Lonely, lonely, alone. I know you are thinking I am surrounded by my family, how can I be lonely? I am. Where is my self medication? 

Traumatic events that can lead to PTSD include:

War Natural disasters Car or plane crashes Terrorist attacks Sudden death of a loved one

Rape Kidnapping Assault Sexual or physical abuse Childhood neglect

Or any shattering event that leaves you stuck and feeling helpless and hopeless The difference between PTSD and a normal response to trauma The traumatic events that lead to post-traumatic stress disorder are usually so overwhelming and frightening that they would upset anyone. Following a traumatic event, almost everyone experiences at least some of the symptoms of PTSD. When your sense of safety and trust are shattered, it’s normal to feel crazy, disconnected, or numb. It’s very common to have bad dreams, feel fearful, and find it difficult to stop thinking about what happened. These are normal reactions to abnormal events. For most people, however, these symptoms are short-lived. They may last for several days or even weeks, but they gradually lift. But if you have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), the symptoms don’t decrease. You don’t feel a little better each day. In fact, you may start to feel worse. A normal response to trauma becomes PTSD when you become stuck After a traumatic experience, the mind and the body are in shock. But as you make sense of what happened and process your emotions, you come out of it. With post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), however, you remain in psychological shock. Your memory of what happened and your feelings about it are disconnected. In order to move on, it’s important to face and feel your memories and emotions. Signs and symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) The symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can arise suddenly, gradually, or come and go over time. Sometimes symptoms appear seemingly out of the blue. At other times, they are triggered by something that reminds you of the original traumatic event, such as a noise, an image, certain words, or a smell. While everyone experiences PTSD differently, there are three main types of symptoms: Re-experiencing the traumatic event X Avoiding reminders of the trauma X Increased anxiety and emotional arousalX  Symptoms of PTSD: Re-experiencing the traumatic event Intrusive, upsetting memories of the event X Flashbacks (acting or feeling like the event is happening again) X Nightmares (either of the event or of other frightening things) X Feelings of intense distress when reminded of the trauma X Intense physical reactions to reminders of the event (e.g. pounding heart, rapid breathing, nausea, muscle tension, sweating) X Symptoms of PTSD: Avoidance and numbing Avoiding activities, places, thoughts, or feelings that remind you of the trauma X Inability to remember important aspects of the trauma X Loss of interest in activities and life in general X Feeling detached from others and emotionally numb X Sense of a limited future (you don’t expect to live a normal life span, get married, have a career) X Symptoms of PTSD: Increased anxiety and emotional arousal Difficulty falling or staying asleep X Irritability or outbursts of anger X Difficulty concentrating X Hypervigilance (on constant “red alert”)X Feeling jumpy and easily startled X Other common symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) Anger and irritability X Guilt, shame, or self-blame X Substance abuse X Feelings of mistrust & betrayal X Depression and hopelessness X Suicidal thoughts and feelings X Feeling alienated and alone X Physical aches and pains X

'He will be Missed Dearly'

http://www.kboi2.com/news/local/33538584.html


Found this working on my Website. Brought back that week in my heart. Sometimes you forget how good people were to our family. God I miss him.......

Forever and a Day

By now I have probably lost all my readers, but this blog was never meant for them but for me. I enjoy writing. I haven't done so in a while, except the occasional soul wrenching poem or my cute lil' family Christmas letter that I send out to 400 of my closest friends. I have been struggling again. I know you are thinking when haven't I struggled but I mean physically, mentally, socially, the whole 9 yards (I don't know why we say that. You need 10 yards for a first down.) I was getting so bad that driving was almost debilitating, even riding in a car was nauseating. I was in a constant form of panic. I was doing book work (catch up book work from when I was unable to function as a thinking individual.) for about 12 hrs a day for 3 months straight minus Sundays and when my kids had games. I could barely type the keys because of the shaking in my hands. I was a basket case. ( I like the word even if I have no idea what it means.) I was a handicap for my family, my husband and so I would then feel even worse. I thought about the bottle often. I thought if I could only climb inside for a little while I would feel better, (No I am not talking about a genie bottle, but the bottle that for some reason holds a worm.) The problem with this is I know the shape of that bottle, the skinny neck the square bottom, once you are in there, there is no way out.

I didn't.

Instead I called up my friendly neighborhood psychologist and began EMDR treatments again. I hate them. I hate every moment that I sit in that office. I don't sleep the night before because I know the pain that is coming my way and I don't sleep for nights after because of the pent up memories that come vomiting out. I remember things I didn't know I knew. I remember the graphic images that I have stuffed into the dark places of my mind. Funny thing is I remember good things that I have also stuffed, maybe as a self punishment or out of sheer bitterness. I compare it to a root canal to friends who do not understand. But this root canal takes months to feel better. Anyway it is helping and I am feeling a little better. I know it will take a long time to work through these tragic thoughts, but I am here I believe for the long haul, or short haul. I want to breath again without my chest feeling like Michael Moore is seated upon it. I want to laugh with my kids and feel intoxicated without being intoxicated. I would love to drive down my hill without the overwhelming feeling of guilt swallowing me up like Jonah. I want to actually enjoy a movie, or a book and not just use it for a distraction. I want to live, not just survive. I don't know if it's possible but if it is I want it.

Monday, October 27, 2008

I believe this is the first Monday, October 27th since Loughlin passed. Last night I struggled with the unremarkable day the Sunday before had been. I don't remember exactly what we were doing that day. Sunday was always the day we spent doing nothing. Well we went to church and we came home to probably roast beef, potatoes and gravy, green bean casserole. We probably gorged ourselves then sat down to football, video games or a movie together. We could have broke out a board game, but we were together. We were always together. But in 12 hrs Loughlin was gone. I woke up early this morning wondering what I could have done to change the future that was to come that morning 6 years ago. I felt nauseated. I know this is just a day, a date, a month. But this day will forever haunt my mind. I miss Loughlin so much. Friday night was our rival football game. So many of Loughlin's old friends were there. some times I love seeing them and yet sometimes the hurt is to raw. True's team lost and I don't know I was just sad. I am sad everytime I realize I am not able to control my kids lives, Protect them from sadness, from being hurt. I was like this before losing Loughlin but now times it by 10.
So this Monday is different. In 2008 we had already set our clocks back. The sun was rising in the East as I drove down the hill. This morning it was still dark. It is so warm this year, that year it was a fall cool. But the biggest difference is Loughlin is gone, and our family will never be the same.
I am getting stronger, maybe less bitter but I am still so sad.

Poem

There is briskness in the air.
Reminding me of how unfair,
This life always seems to be.
Why can't anyone else see?
The sights, the smell, the sounds,
Listening to my heart as it pounds.
Gun shots in the distance,
Seem to reminisce his short existence.
Can you recall that day, that morning, that fall,
That hopeless cry, that paralyzing call?
I can't erase it from my memories,
So tired of begging the Father, please.

No answers for this tragedy.
Spent years on a bended knee,
With each falling leaf, a tear.
It doesn't matter how many years.
He was once here and now he's not. So many happy times, yet now forgot

Happy 21st Birthday Loughlin

I made this movie for Loughlin's Birthday. The Greenday song in the middle was his favorite and then IZ. I hope you enjoy it. I miss him so much I feel as if my heart is going to break.

Close Calls, Uncontrollable Bawls and Accidental Falls

My kids have always helped on the farm. Loughlin helped quite a bit with the tractor work. Cyrus helped with the cattle and True did a little of both.  Giles started driving tractor last year a little bit. He raked or ran the disc. This year he started doing more. Last week he started packing the pit. I hate that job. It feels very unstable all of the time. Anyway to make a long story long, last Monday he flipped the tractor.He flipped it completely over. He was upside down. It has taken me a week to write about it because I can still barely process the emotions that go with what almost happened. Some close calls are easy to get past but this one is lasting.
So I have cried and cried. I have tried to get past the thought of losing another child. I have been angry at Harlen for putting him on that tractor. I have been angry, angry, angry. I have not wanted to let them out of my sight. I am tired of this anxiety that follows me. I am tired of horrible things that keep happening to this family. It is the trial that never ends. I have messed up and I have cried and bawled and screamed at the top of my voice. Will life ever be good again? I think not.
As for the accidental falls....I could complain that I slipped on a plastic hanger, fell on my ass and put my back out but that is a small fall. I could talk about my fall from grace, from God, from my faith. I do not believe in anything anymore. I hear people talk and I think, do they really believe this. I could talk about so many falls...And aren't most falls accidental, falling prey, falling in love, falling off the house, falling for a prank, falling, falling, falling. Can you see me falling? Throw me a rope, I will use it for my noose.

Wallflower

This blog started out as a outlet for me and for me to try to help people out there in the vastness to understand how hard losing a child is. I don't think I have accomplished either one.
I am still grieving, traumatized, angry, sad, and completely heartbroken. My life is still in complete disarray. I am at odds with my God, my church and for the most part my husband. I have pretty much f#$%$@ up everything that I could have since that day. We are still fighting the insurance company that I do believe gets a kick out of dragging these settlements out until any family can take no more. I have lived through 2 more sons passing that 2 months after becoming a freshman stage, and now Maya is there. I am a wreck. It seems stupid but I live those 2 months over and over in my head. Oh Loughlin your potential was great and I cut it down in the prime of your life. I can hear your voice in my mind. I struggle to keep your smiling face a part of my life. Watching my living children go through any crisis is almost more than I can take. I cry myself to sleep. I never thought life would be easy but I did believe at some point there would be peace.
As for the people in my life....they still believe they can pray away this anguish. Platitudes are used constantly to somehow make me feel better. Stories from the Bible such as my favorite Job, are used to let me know there are people who have it worse. I am told to smile, keep my head up, take care of the kids I still have and just have Faith, trust in the Lord. I smile when there is something to smile about. I keep my head up to walk or drive for I know the consequences when I don't. I do my best at taking care of my kids and I feel guilty that I don't do it better. And I use to trust the Lord, see where that got me.......Twice Bitten and now I am very shy. (Oh but he gave you the very air you breath.........Well he can take it away. My life insurance is worth more than me.)
As for my blog title. I have always been a Wallflower. I have rarely fit in to social situations. I rarely cared if I did. I would have died before I kissed someone's arse. I raised my kids to be the same. Most of my kids are so much more social than me. They have fun and get along with others. But they do not kiss arse. In my day people were mostly judged by their performance. There wasn't a need for the brown nosing. I believe some teachers have changed and now need their egos stroked more than they need to make a difference in a young person's life. It is now about them instead of the kids. It makes me sad. They can tear down in a day what others have built for years. I can't wait for them to be in college where they will be graded for their academics not for their cute butt and smile.

Lea's10th Birthday

Happy Birthday my dear, sweet beautiful girl.

Lea turned 10 yesterday. She is such an incredible girl. She sings like an angel. She shows steers like a cowgirl and she plays baseball like The Bambino. 

She was a surprise addition to our family, but what a gift. She keeps me going when I don't feel like I can do anymore. I coached her softball team again this year. She was awesome. We got 3rd in the tournament against much older and larger girls.

When she was born she was a handful. She never quit moving. Her brother's and sisters got tired of her. She was mischievous and quite a lil' monster.

She had one ally, Loughlin. He and her had this unbreakable bond. I thought it would last forever. Lately I find myself reminding her what they were like together. She doesn't remember. It breaks my heart all over again. She was so young when he left us. I can't expect her to feel the love anymore. I dreamed of that bond they speak of in poetry, movies and songs, but that was also a unreal. Life here on this Earth is not like that.

Our family was forever altered on that day.

Shine On

I am sure that as you have read my posts over the last 6 years you have to know I struggle with aspects of the church I belong to. I struggle with the gospel itself. I struggle with the aspect of God's love, blessings, heaven, afterlife......just about everything. I have lost my faith. I have lost 2 of my children and along with it a lot of my empathy for others. My husband on the other hand has found his faith, his God, his existence in this world. I still try to go to my church meetings. It takes all the strength I can muster to go and sit through these 3 hours. Let me give you an example of what I must entertain......

Sunday was the farewell of a very popular boy in our ward. He is a good kid. He has had a good life, quarterback, valedictorian, eagle scout. He did a great job speaking, but and here is the big but,  the priest quorum advisor spoke next. He spoke of how some boys shine and some don't, how you could pick out those kids that shined from an early age and how all those shiny kids are now on missions. He talked about how some choose education over service, how some are willing to give up 2 yrs of their lives to serve and others have selfish desires, some are too smart??????. OK we will leave that one.

I could feel my heart race, my blood pressure rise. I couldn't help but think back on Cyrus' life with this man as his advisor ( I use this word very laughingly). I look back at these Shiney boys and how they left Cyrus in his misery, never once trying to reach out to a young man who was completely struggling with the loss of his brother. Cyrus finally getting enough courage to step out, inviting these so called Shiney boys to a party at his house, not one showed up, except one that would be looked down on by most at the church. The bishop saying, well Cyrus really has never tried to be friends with these Shiny Boys..... How do we judge which kids are good and which kids make out with every girl they can get their hands on? Which kids help others and those that can only see past themselves. Those who cheat and those who turn in cheaters. Cyrus is the only one out of that group that hasn't made the decision to go on a mission. There is no way I could have misconstrued this message. Tell me again how these men are called of God and I will tell you why I have a hard time believing in this God. Cyrus doesn't go to church at college....I am sure you can guess why.

Dominion

Dominion:This word should scare every human being. Why would you ever let someone else have dominion over you?  Righteous, Unrighteous It shouldn't matter.

Memorial Day 2014

Memorial Day 2014

Memorial day is a double whammy for me. It is hard alone but added that Rhiannon died on Memorial Day makes it more so. I live 7 hrs away from her grave and that also makes it hard. The cemetery was beautiful yesterday, if you can use such a word to describe such a place. If it looked like that everyday it might be easier to visit. I feel angry I have to decorate my child's grave and yet I feel guilty when I don't. Both feelings are born out of a strong sense of displeasure. I still feel so ripped.........it is hard to get past this. I miss them both. We went to the movie, "Million Dollar Arm" after decorating the graves. It was meant to get my mind clear of the sadness. We ate at Red Robin before, our family favorite forever. Harlen was served the wrong hamburger. He got a Whiskey River Bacon Burger instead of his favorite, Banzaii. The bacon burger was Loughlin's favorite. The movie would have been his choice. I was looking for a no brainer like Godzilla. I was voted out. So this morning my heart is heavy and my eyes are leaking. How long until this emptiness goes away?

The In Betweens.......

Happy Birthday Maya



In this tween time
this darkest hour,
We call upon this Sacred Power.
Three together, stand alone
command the unseen to be shown.
In innocence we search the skies,
enchanted are our new found eyes.

I know. I know. Charmed. I loved it when it was on TV. Now my girls love it on Netflix. I recall this episode in the 3rd season that was cutsie, a little too much for me, but it stuck with me. "The In Betweens" It was the doorways in between two rooms where the evil little miniature men would hide and torment all they could get their hands on.

How does this apply to us, to me? I find the days 'in between' days I don't want to face are harder on me than the actual day. The thinking, dwelling, contemplating, crying and when the day is actually here, it is more like wow....I made it. Rhiannon's birthday was the 16th. She would have been 26, or she is 26, or she should have been 26, one of those. The day she died is the 30th. That is a short in between. Maya had her birthday party on Rhiannon's birthday. She has done that a lot. I always considered myself lucky. It was a way to celebrate without bringing unwanted attention to her day. It is still just for me. My other children never knew her. It was my choice, right or wrong, to keep her to myself. If I shared her, others would have hurt her through me, judging, name calling. I never wanted that. A mom always wanted to protect her, to protect all my babies. Maybe the days are easier because I always imagine the worst....and some of the time it isn't the worst. Yet I should be given the benefit of the doubt, look at my track record.

So there are the in betweens but church on the other hand always out do'es my worst nightmares. I wonder every week why I go and sit through this form of torture. Am I a misogynist? I wonder how much longer until I stand on the chair and call out all the crazies in the room. I AM HERE. DON'T TELL EVERYONE THAT IF ONLY YOUR KIDS SAID A PRAYER BEFORE THEY STARTED THEIR CAR THEY WOULD ALWAYS BE SAFE. CAN I LIVE ON YOUR LALA PLANET? THE ONE WHERE WE ALL SIT AROUND AND DRINK KOOLAID AND HOHO's. I was angry for 3 days following. I can find plenty of shit in the outside world to make me mad. I don't need to force myself to entertain the clowns anymore.

Conference Call

Will I heed? I have been out of medicine for over 5 days. I called for a refill but so far none. What are the results? I feel. I feel more than I have in forever. I feel things that are there and not there. I feel things that are implied or forced down my throat. Yet I feel. The problem: I don't know if I can handle these feelings, real or make believe. Loughlin is gone. He is gone because I made a horrible mistake. 5+ years and I am stuck. Rhiannon died, in part, because of my mistake. I didn't wake up on time, but when I did she was gone. Could I have prevented it? We will never know, and yet if I was responsible I killed her and hurt me. My parents lived through it but there was no other immediate family. There was no other affected by my mistake. I buried the feelings along with my daughter. It was too much for me to face. I hid. I ran. I drank. I did everything I could think of that would take me away from those feelings. Guilt, Grief, Trauma, Guilt.

The new problem is I cannot hide, I cannot run, and I cannot self medicate enough to get away from these feelings. They are in front of me constantly. The only way out is death, and I am much to healthy for that. You cannot will yourself to die, and would that not just exasperate the problem further? Would I not hurt my kids both living and dead more if I died? My kids are a daily reminder, if not hourly reminder of my mistakes. I watch them struggle. It hurts my heart so much I feel as if it will burst. All of them have problems concentrating, me too. All of them are on the edge of anger, me too. All of them have feelings of guilt, me too. All of them are looking for answers and not finding them, me too. All of them have trouble feeling, me too.

So what I heard yesterday in a nutshell is: this is your poison, take it and smile, all the time it is killing you, that it shouldn't kill you, if you only had faith. Once again the circle. The trial took my faith and I can't get through it because I have no faith.

On the upside True got a new puppy Friday. He is so very cute. He is a Drahthaar. Loughlin had a Drahthaar when he died, Little Anne. She ran away after he left us. We never found her again. Duke, our new puppy, is named after a dog Harlen's brother had when he died. A Drahthaar also. So is it really an upside? I am puppy sitting today and I am so sad I cannot breath.