A poem from my Soul.

Sanctimonious

sanc·ti·mo·ni·ous

ˌsaNG(k)təˈmōnēəs/

adjective
derogatory

making a show of being morally superior to other people.

synonyms

: self-righteous, holier-than-thou, pious, pietistic, churchy, moralizing,preachy, smug, superior, priggish, hypocritical, insincere; informal goody-goody I am exhausted today. I am tired for so many reasons. I just returned from a very long driving trip with Harlen. It was interesting to see so many different people and places, but we drove and we drove. I don't do well away from home and I really struggle in a moving vehicle for a long period of time. I missed my kids so much while I was gone, but it was Harlen's birthday and he wanted me to go with him and I did want to go, but now my body is paying for it. Maybe that is some of the reason my emotions are going crazy. But they are and I find it hard not to blame the church once again. I find it hard not to hate it. I reminisce about my teenage years in a predominately LDS community. I was a wild one. Things happened to me that paved a road that, true I could have veered off, but stayed on. I was pregnant at 17 and the scourge of the community. I could have sewed and "A" on my chest and it wouldn't have made a difference. It was ugly. I was rebellious and at most times could have cared less what people thought, I believed they were SANCTIMONIOUS. I saw through even at an early age the bullshit that surrounded me. Even after having Rhiannon and her unforeseen, traumatic death the rumors continued, even as far as to blame me for her death. I hated that town. I still don't like to go back. People talk. I hate most people. So as a mom I thought my kids are good kids. They didn't do the things I did. I guess the bar has been raised. You know Cyrus was treated horribly by his LDS peers and even his leaders. In fact it continues today because he didn't serve a mission. Funny why would he want to bring anyone else into his hell? Now it is happening again but to True. Do you remember being 16? How hard it was to get enough courage to ask a girl out? Especially to Prom? The girl is sweet and cute and she really likes him. So he did it. He asked her. Her parents responded that True is a bad kid and she absolutely can't go with him. I see True through a mom's eyes. He is a young man that likes to have fun, but he is a good kid. He doesn't party, drink, smoke. He has a heart the size of Texas and just as warm. He is so grown up about the whole thing. But he told me he doesn't want to grow up to be a Mormon like that. He never would. He sees the best in people and sticks up for everyone who is being picked on. As for me this is just more ammunition to stay so far away from a church like this. Harlen tells me I need to separate the church from the people, BUT THE CHURCH IS THE PEOPLE. If I could stay home every Sunday and listen to the Church officials I might make it. But that is not the way this church is designed, and this is also not how I am designed. HYPOCRITES ARE ASSHOLES, AND THE SAME PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS BE IN CHARGE OF THIS CHURCH WITH THE SAME NAMES AND SAME SANCTIMONIOUS ATTITUDES. TODAY I HATE IT!!!!!!!

Shine On

I am sure that as you have read my posts over the last 6 years you have to know I struggle with aspects of the church I belong to. I struggle with the gospel itself. I struggle with the aspect of God's love, blessings, heaven, afterlife......just about everything. I have lost my faith. I have lost 2 of my children and along with it a lot of my empathy for others. My husband on the other hand has found his faith, his God, his existence in this world. I still try to go to my church meetings. It takes all the strength I can muster to go and sit through these 3 hours. Let me give you an example of what I must entertain......

Sunday was the farewell of a very popular boy in our ward. He is a good kid. He has had a good life, quarterback, valedictorian, eagle scout. He did a great job speaking, but and here is the big but,  the priest quorum advisor spoke next. He spoke of how some boys shine and some don't, how you could pick out those kids that shined from an early age and how all those shiny kids are now on missions. He talked about how some choose education over service, how some are willing to give up 2 yrs of their lives to serve and others have selfish desires, some are too smart??????. OK we will leave that one.

I could feel my heart race, my blood pressure rise. I couldn't help but think back on Cyrus' life with this man as his advisor ( I use this word very laughingly). I look back at these Shiney boys and how they left Cyrus in his misery, never once trying to reach out to a young man who was completely struggling with the loss of his brother. Cyrus finally getting enough courage to step out, inviting these so called Shiney boys to a party at his house, not one showed up, except one that would be looked down on by most at the church. The bishop saying, well Cyrus really has never tried to be friends with these Shiny Boys..... How do we judge which kids are good and which kids make out with every girl they can get their hands on? Which kids help others and those that can only see past themselves. Those who cheat and those who turn in cheaters. Cyrus is the only one out of that group that hasn't made the decision to go on a mission. There is no way I could have misconstrued this message. Tell me again how these men are called of God and I will tell you why I have a hard time believing in this God. Cyrus doesn't go to church at college....I am sure you can guess why.