7 years and 7 favorite things

# 1 Loughlin's very favorite book. Every other one of my children have read it but Lea and I am sure it is just a matter of time until she finds it too.Maya's favorite too. 7 years on the 27th since he has been gone. I thought it would be fun to remember 7
 of his favorite things.

#2 Loughlin's favorite NFL team was the SanDiego Chargers and his favorite player of all time was LaDainian Tomlinson. He wore his jersey all of the time. Days when I miss him most I put it on. I wish I could still smell him but after 7 years it's just memories. ♡

#3 Loughlin had a lot of different favorite foods. He loved Pigs 'n' a blanket for breakfast(Link sausages wrapped in biscuits covered with white sausage gravy). He loved a great Bacon Cheeseburger, but his favorite meal always included Crab & Lobster. He loved to eat at Red Lobster every year for his birthday, and we still try to keep that tradition. When he was baptized they do a spotlight on the kids. He was asked his favorite food....All the other kids said Mac 'n Cheese or PB and J. Loughlin proudly said his was Lobster and Crab. It was pretty funny for an 8 year old who hadn't ate it very often. I miss this smart kid everyday.

#4 Loughlin loved the outdoors. He loved to hunt. The beautiful buck in the picture was his first and only. frown emoticon He loved to pheasant hunt and would even go alone when he couldn't find a partner. He loved to fish. He got that love from his Grandpa and his dad. He didn't only like to catch the fish but he loved to eat them. He would eat a good trout for breakfast when they were camping. True takes after his big brother and his Uncle Stacey. All these men would have had so much fun together. This is one 'favorite' that is so heartbreaking to remember and write about. heart emoticon Loughlin, Grandpa and Stacey are all so missed.

#5 Loughlin loved scouting. He and Cyrus were lucky and got to spend most of their time together because of their ages being so close. This video was of scout camp 2008. They had so much fun there. 

Funny story, one outing the troop went up above Keeney pass for a short hike. They were running back down the mountain and Loughlin gave Cyrus a lil' shove and Cyrus went tumbling. He had cactus quills everywhere. It was all in fun but Lough was scared to come home because he knew how mad I would be that Cyrus got hurt. I was always and overprotective momma bear. I miss you Loughlin and I miss your laugh so much.

#6 Loughlin was an incredible artist. He loved to make anything beautiful. These are 4 pieces we had framed. (The pictures of the art take away from the beauty, they are framed, and hanging down in the boys' room) The first is a Charcoal of an Avalanche. Cyrus loved these pick-ups and Loughlin drew it for him. The other three are scratchboards, T-Rex, Skeleton and the last is a Rino.(my favorite but when we found it it was in bad shape. He was talented in so many ways. My dad was an artist and Loughlin loved the fact that he was like his papa in that aspect.

 

#7 Loughlin loved his family. His two best friends lived right in the same room as him, Cyrus and True. He spent 98% of his time home or on the farm with his family. He was so caring. Even with the little ones he had so much patience. He called Lea his little monkey and she loved to be with him. Loughlin and Cyrus did everything together and True tagged along side. Mayaand Giles were always looking up to their big brother. He was a gentle soul that would have helped anyone in need. Today it has been 7 years since he died. 7 years of missing, 7 years of heartbreak, 7 years of longing., 7 years of remembering, 7 years of tears, 7 years of questions, 7 years of guilt, 7 years of one empty chair at the table, but 7 years of survival.

Just Sad

Sometimes I wake up and I am just sad. The responsibility of my family feels unbearable for my shoulders to handle. My legs grow weary and my back begins to bend with the weight. The guilt lingers in my mind. Lea went with friends for the weekend and with her being gone and Cyrus at school it felt empty, lonely. I am exhausted and I don't ever sleep well anymore. I need a change of scenery, because the Fall is no longer my favorite season. I hate it. My only recluse is football. I watch every game I can get my eyes fixated on. It is a nice distraction, high school, college, NFL.

The Dreams Continue and Sleep Deprivation

I really don't know why the dreams are continuing. I had another dream of True dying in a car accident. I woke up and couldn't or didn't want to go to sleep. The next night I dreamed of Maya dying of cancer. On the wall above her hospital bed was a chalkboard of all the procedures they performed to save her. It was so real that I woke up in a pool of sweat. The next night I dreamed that Lea was kidnapped and for 7 years we searched for her until the sheriff's department found her discarded body. So after 5 nights of no sleep I took a nap today only to wake up in a delusional state because Cyrus had been stabbed by a homeless man when he was giving him some dinner in Eugene. I don't know if a sleeping pill would get me through these long nights, but I am scared to close my eyes. My subconscious is playing evil tricks on my mind. I do't know how to get rid of it. Tonight might be Giles for he is the only one that has escaped my torment. SOS

Bad Dream

I had a dream last night. I received a call from the hospital that Loughlin had been in a roll over, but that he was going to make it. We sped down to the hospital only to find that he had walked out of his room only to collapse on the sidewalk and die, but it wasn't Loughlin after all , but True. He had been in a jeep that had over corrected and flipped. Well I woke up sobbing, uncontrollably sobbing. Of course True is fine and it was only a dream, but dreams can be so real sometimes and losing any one else in my family would be the end of me.

Yesterday I had counseling and I spoke of my guilt, my horrible guilt about the accident. It is still so strong. Every time something happens that is hooked to the accident, the guilt makes a return. It weighs so heavy on my conscience. It makes my anxiety show it's ugly head. It brings the depression back. It happens because Maya can't play volleyball or because Cyrus has a hard time walking to all of his classes at college. I think," I did this, I did this all." If not for me, life would still be normal, happy for everyone. If not for me not seeing that farm truck our life would be an eternal bliss. I am not naive. I know this isn't the case but my guilt ridden soul doesn't know this. My soul who sees that God punishes the evil and rewards the good. (Just kidding hahahahahahah) I don't really think God gives a shit about what happens on this earth. Smite me oh mighty Smiter. I am not afraid of a non-existent entity that way to many people blame as they judge harshly and throw away the "sinners" of this earth.  I wish my life was different. I wish at the movies we had 9+1 (Kevin ) sitting on the row eating popcorn and laughing out loud, but it is what it is, and I am slowly learning to adapt to my new surroundings. I will never love this new existence, but I will live on to tell my tale.

Just another Lump in the Road

For the last week I have been fighting thoughts of my demise, but they were premature to say the least. I had a mammogram last Wednesday and they found a large mass on my breast. I told a few people including Harlen about it. It seemed the longest week and I didn't have very many positive thoughts on the outcome. My life has been more than challenging, I was prepared for another one.

But the lump was a benign cyst and I live to torment my readers on the blogosphere for years to come. I was surprised how much fun I could have with my family through the midst of the unknown. We traveled to Eugene and watched the University of Utah (my favorite college team since I was 6) play the Ducks of Oregon. The first quarter was a great game, but then Utah trounced the Ducks. It wasn't even enjoyable at that score. But being with my family was so unforgettable. Harlen's best friends from school were there too. Cyrus is going to school at the U of O now in Eugene

 
 

Another thought.............

I can’t breathe any air.

Have I ever been so scared?

Sure I have faced so many trials.

Walked alone for countless miles.

Felt loss of ones that are close.

Abuse, I felt more than a dose.

I never thought that this would be me.

A large mass the doctor would see.

How can I think about leaving?

God is not worth believing.

My kids need me, at least that’s what I thought.

No hope is the reflective state I have caught.

I don’t have a great record of luck.

In fact you could say it really quite sucks.

So how do I stay on a positive track?

When any kind of expectation I lack.

And the cards in the deck feel stacked,

Against the crux of my back,

The amount of luggage I pack,

Would make others slack.

I am nauseated and sick.

My feelings seem jumbled and thick.

Tomorrow is the day I will know.

I hear the whisper as the wind blows.

Maya's last stand

Last week Maya's Neuropsychologist decided because of the chance of Maya furthering her head injury, she could no longer play sports. She had been hit in the head with the ball and experienced dizziness, nausea, headache and blurred vision.

She is half way through her volleyball season and doing so well. She made the JV team as a Sophomore.

















Her serve was unstoppable. So last night she played her last game. After she was crying, the team was crying, I was crying and even Harlen had tears in his eyes. She can still travel with them but how hard?

My heart is aching. For a mom who wants to protect her kids from everything, I sure am doing a completely abhorrent job.

Loughlin's Birthday

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ci5D5r6ZjXA

Green Day, "Wake me up when September Ends"

Loughlin's favorite group when he passed away

I am feeling like I have a hangover this morning. And wishing that it was a real one, at least I would have had some reprieve from the anguish I am feeling this week. I have been sleeping like hell lately, again. I have a hard time going to sleep and when I wake up in the night I can't go back to sleep because the guilt and grief hit me like a ton of hay. It's that time of year again. It will last 2 months then I will go back to, the life moves on even without you stage. 

Loughlin would be 22 yrs old today. I could put up some pictures of him but I have used most of what I have. It would just feel like a re-run. I hate re-runs. It's depressing to run out of pictures of your son, although I ran out of pictures of Rhiannon after 3 pictures. I did get some pictures from Loughlin's 7th & 8th grade math teacher. It was very kind of him to go back through his pictures to find them. I could use one of them. What a birthday present. (sarcasm) I am down, lower than low. I hope I recover faster than in the past. Cyrus left for the U of O yesterday and it just feels like purgatory here. I need to get my house painted before it turns cold but I barely have enough energy to wash clothes. My dishes are piled up and the house is a mess. I am a mess, but I make it to pick up the kids everyday at school, volleyball games, and True's senior year of football. My priorities are still in the right place. 

I guess I should wish Lough a Happy Birthday, but he isn't here and I don't pretend well.

Fall is on the Rise

I am in a funk. I spend time that I don't have the liberty to waste thinking about what is and what could have or should have been. I watch my kids grow, change, evolve, move, and I feel robbed, raped, tortured. I am sure most parents watch with glee the accomplishments of their children, not me. I am happy for them but it is always tinged with a guilt and emptiness because I missed so much in Loughlin's and Rhiannon's life. I went to Math night with Giles and on the wall was the teacher's previous classes pictures. There was Loughlin in 2006-7 year and 2007-8 year. He was so happy, having such a great time, like he was most of his life. It cut a slice out of my soul and left it in my gut to digest, but that wasn't enough there was Cyrus too, so happy, joking, being the class clown. I lost that son on October 27,2008 also. He will never be that carefree kid again. He is here and I love him so much but he is ME. He is serious and cynical. He trusts nothing. His innocence was stolen from him. His heart was pillaged. His childhood perished in a crushed jumble of metal. Then he was judged, torn apart and thrown in a heep of yesterdays.

The seasons are changing again. Fall means harvest and hunting. Leaves are changing colors and it seems my mood changes with it from green to yellow to blood red. School started. True is a Senior, Maya a Sophomore, Giles is in the last grade Loughlin finished, 8th and my baby Lea started 6th grade. The triggers are going off like an AK-47.

Oh I miss him

3 blogs in one day but I just want to say I MISS YOU LOUGHLIN

One Person's Miracle is another's miserable truth.

I feel guilty. I hate feeling guilty. I believe guilt is a tool of religion to keep people in line with how other's believe they should live. Yet I am feeling it because of my own feelings. Are these feelings selfish? I guess other's would be shocked to hear my feelings. They would die to feel my feelings. Feelings are feelings. I don't believe I have much control over my feelings. Sure someone else was in a terrible accident near my home. I drove by it with my girl. The car was mangled. The son was life-flighted to Boise. He is hurt but he is going to make it. Seems fair? Seems right? If you could feel the rock in the pit of my stomach. The nausea rising up in my throat. I should just puke. My legs like jello, wobbly. My head is swimming in a cesspool of mumbled squalor. Nothing is explainable, in fact this life is nonsensical. God am I that bad? God, what God? Rhiannon she didn't make it. Dead. Cold. Gone. That wasn't quite enough though. My son next. That was a car accident too right? But oh that God of yours he must LOVE me so very much. Hate. Dead. Cold. Gone. Should I be angry that Loughlin was taken and not him? No probably not, but I am. I am pissed.I know it sounds like I wish he had died but if you believe that you haven't ever listened. I don't want him dead. I want my kids ALIVE. It's not one or the other? or is it?
 I could use something to numb this existence. My mind grows weary. My heart has lost far too much blood to keep up with the beating. My soul is tattered like that of the beggars shoes. My hands shake for I know not what to do with them. My eyes blurred from the tears. My ears have deafened for I tire of your lies. Let me be. Let me cry. Let me feel sorry for myself. I think I can do that once in a while. I don't deserve but I don't give a shit.

Mumford & Sons

Mumford & Sons Walla Walla Washington August 2015

This last Friday Cyrus , McKayla and I got to travel to Walla Walla Washington to listen to my favorite new group perform in an open field. There were around 25,000 people there. We were packed into this venue like sardines. I don't do crowds well. I don't like strangers touching, talking to me. I was miserable for about an hour waiting for the group to set up but then Mark Munford started playing, then the band followed. I felt chills run down my spine. I was completely mesmerized. I felt like a teenage girl listening to John Lennon for the first time, except I wasn't screaming like a banshee and tearing my hair out. His voice touched my soul. I did tear up. This music, this music that was being played right in front of me had got me through so many dark days, so many sleepless nights, so many "I can't make it another minute without my son"  . I felt silly but I couldn't hold back my emotions. I wanted to really thank him for writing such heartfelt songs. I wanted to thank him for playing a part in getting me through my life. It was the best 3 1/2 hours I have spent in years. WOW I wish everyone could have heard them. I am going to add some of their songs to my playlist on the blog for you to enjoy.

Random Act of Kindness

Fair was this week for our family. It is a long week. Usually nothing spectacular happens but this year True won Grand Champion 4-H Steer and Reserve Champion overall.

Another incredible thing happened, The steer sale was a little slow and Lea's steer was up for sale. No one was bidding on it and I was in a jam (I hadn't got enough sponsors to cover all 4 of our kids' steers) I felt horrible. My baby girl was out there in front of the world with only one bid. A man that I have had hard feelings about for a while stepped up and bought Lea's steer. Every time I think about it, it brings tears to my eyes. It was certainly a very large random act of kindness. I am very touched.

Thank you! 

My baby Lea turned 11 this week.

My baby girl turned 11 this week.

Talk about a live wire....
She could wear down the best of them.












She is a great softball pitcher.

She is dramatic in the literal sense. She has a beautiful voice.

She is always happy.

She is fun and funny.


She is brave and friendly to everyone she knows. I love her so very much. She really was my miracle.

She keeps me going when I want to give up, with a "Mom, it will be alright, " or "Mom I love you so much". She really is a keeper.

The World still revolves even though........

Giles, Thomas & Logan

I have been thinking so much in these last days. I am not sleeping much. The loss of Giles' friend has really affected me. It has brought back so many memories. I have been watching our little community and I have noticed what I noticed after Loughlin passed away. Everyone else is still living.  People are working. Kids are playing. Moms are shopping. Families are camping, swimming, laughing, but for this family, life has stopped. It will never be the same. I feel paralyzed. We farm across the road from their house. I had to take True up to rake some hay yesterday and the oxygen left the car. It seems I know way too many moms that have lived this horrible nightmare. I have sat and worried about Jenn, in the shower, driving in my car, washing dishes, folding laundry, trying to smile for my kids but my heart is broken, broken in half. I know this existence, and that is what it is, an existence. I read the comments about Thomas, what a great kid he was, how everyone loved him, how he was kind to everyone and it hits my heart. That is what they said about Loughlin. That is what the little notes that they left at his funeral said about him. I know Thomas was this kid. He rode in the back of my van this year coming home from football. If we stopped to get something to drink, he declined. He wouldn't let me pay for him. He had so many manners. We once talked about him getting bullied. I said Thomas you are so big and strong no one should bully you. I said you need to stick up for yourself. He told me he doesn't like being mean. He exemplified 'turn the other cheek'. Now the world will have to endure without another of these great souls. I don't care that I don't understand. I am angry. No mom should ever have to live one day without their babies in their lives. God I wish I could take away their pain. I have made it 27 and 7 years, just add on to my sentence, without taking another baby from me. They don't deserve this.

I will try to do fair books but all of the time I am thinking how unfair this life is.

I never wanted this to happen to anyone else.......

Early Sunday morning a fire broke out in our neighbors/friends house. It started on the patio and moved up their hall. Tom, Jennifer and Thomas were sleeping. I heard they started out of the house all holding hands but when they got outside Thomas, their 14 year old son was not with them. Both of the parents tried to go back in to get him but the flames were too great. Thomas didn't make it. Tom and Jennifer are at the Burn Clinic down in SLC. I am so hurt. I am so sick for this family. Thomas was the sweetest kid.  He carpooled with us this year after football. I got to know him. He was a big teddy bear. I don't understand.............

My Poem for my Grandpa

15 Things I know about my Grandpa…..

1)      He chose to be part of my life,

And not just because he made my grandma his wife.

2)      He put a smile on my Grandma’s face and took away her blues.

Each made the other better. They always went in two’s.

3)      He lived a lifetime before he became part of our clan.

He made some mistakes but he always was a good man.

4)      He was a World War II vet stationed in France.

If you were lucky he would mention it, if only by chance.

5)      He recognized each achievement that I made.

With a wink of an eye the pride he conveyed

6)      He was one of the toughest guys that I ever knew.

To live how he lived there were only but a few.

7)      He was 50 years sober. He attributed it to AA.

He was never boastful or spiteful, that just wasn’t his way.

8)      In or out of his mouth he wasn’t afraid to show his pearly whites.

Making the adults chuckle and giving the kids quite a fright.

9)      He could hit a spittoon from across the room

All While reading Louis L’Amour’s , “A Man Called Noon”

10)   He loved his pennies almost as much as his books.

In hope for that special one he would look and he’d look.

11)   When he wasn’t busy searching he was working on his farm.

Planting more than they could ever eat did no one any harm.

12)   Morning or night he always carried his coffee thermos.

Making everyone around him jealous or nervous.

13)   He never complained to me about the way he was feeling.

About the grief of my Grandma and how he was dealing.

14)   He made my soul lighter whenever he was close

If you don’t know it by now I thought he deserved a heroes toast.

15)   I miss you Grandpa, your memories will forever stay in my heart.

And that is what, I will carry with me until I too depart.

I love you Grandpa

A must read for anyone who has lost a child or knows someone who has.

http://www.theblaze.com/contributions/why-megachurch-pastor-joel-osteen-owes-an-apology/

I think this is why so many have a hard time with religion after a trial, trauma, loss as this. I have spent almost 7 years explaining this concept. God, Christ and Heaven do not take away the pain, longing and grief of losing a child, not once but twice,so quit preaching this nonsense.

Writer's Block

I am supposed to be writing a poem for my Grandpa's memorial. I am having the hardest time, which if you know me at all, is crazy. I can whip out a poem in minutes. I don't know what to write, rather serious or funny, happy or heartfelt, a little of each. I feel pressure to perform and it isn't helping. I am :( Maybe it will just come to me but time is winding down.

Happy Birthday True, 17

Cyrus holding True at 1 month

True turned 17 on June 10th. He started out in this world 8lbs 10 oz but 3 weeks early. He grew and he grew and he really never stopped growing/ He is now 6ft 3in tall and the shape of a Offensive Lineman. He is so strong. He is incredibly funny and his heart is gigantic. I love him so much and I can't believe I only have one more year to spend with him.

True at 3 months

Family Picture True is 3

Goose Hunting 2014

Baseball 2015

Baseball 2015

Grand Champion Steer 2013

Football 2014 Junior

Timing

Tami at Rhiannon's Grave

Wednesday is a long and strenuous day for me. I have Maya's practice in the morning, then I rush home to change and head to Boise for EMDR therapy, then back home and in to softball uniforms only to travel to Lea's game somewhere. I knew today was going to be hard. I have never really talked to anyone about Rhiannon. I have wrote about it on here, not many details but not really even to Harlen. Today we were going to work on the memories of Rhiannon and her death, also what followed. I was shaking on the drive over. It had been a long time since I had let those raw feelings surface. 5 minutes before I arrived at the Docs I received a text from an old friend. 5 minutes before the anger and hurt would come spilling out of my heart. She had visited Rhiannon's grave. She had made such an effort as to find the caretaker to find her grave. She brought balloons for her. She let me smile before I walked in the door to pour out my soul. Such a small deed from such a big heart.  I am sure today would have been harder without her. Thank you so much

I remembered parts of Rhiannon's death that I had stuffed so far down in my psyche as to never come out. I remembered being asked permission to shut off life support on her after she arrived at the hospital. I was 18, an adult, or a child playing the part of an adult. I had just watched my baby die. They shut off the machines and wanted me to hold her. A child holding a baby, cold, lifeless, making decisions I was never capable of. I have been hard on myself for far too long. I believed that her dying was my punishment for getting pregnant. I didn't come to that belief on my own. I was treated as an outcast. I look back now and Dr. Booth helped me realize I survived at 18 what some would never survive. I woke up to a baby girl, dead, blood, watched my mom try to bring her back, but she was so cold. I lived through a viewing, graveside and guilt. I went on to raise some pretty wonderful kids and I am still trying to do that. Loughlin was a masterpiece and like most masterpieces they are not realized until they are past. I am a work in progress. Dealing with the guilt of Rhiannon's death is far easier than that of Loughlin's but maybe someday. I love all my kids, alive and passed. My heart hurts whenever they are hurt or when I miss them, which in Loughlin and Rhiannon's case is always.

Maya's Party

At one time in the 48 hr birthday party we had 13 girls. We traveled to Fruitland for Maya's softball game. We ate pizza, cake, chips, drank pop, stopped at Duth Bros. for a sweet treat. We watched movies and the next day went shopping in Nampa. It has become an annual shin dig. I sure love everyone of these girls. Maya is so lucky to have such great friends in her life. 

Life is busy right now. I am coaching Maya in the Y14 softball. Practices M-W-F 9:30- Games T-Th 6pm and sometimes Friday. I coach Lea's Y11 softball team. Practices T-Th-F 9- and Games M-W at 6pm. Giles is playing Babe Ruth 14-15 when he just turned 13. He practices almost everyday at 6 ant games T-Th and Saturday times vary. The house is a mess. We haven't had time to paint but these times are running out for me and my little ones. I love it, but boy my age is starting to show. :)

Bile

I really don't believe. 
Why don't I get up & leave?
I hate every minute wasted here.
I feel an outburst creeping near. 
Everything is fake. 
Everyone  a snake.
From the boobs,  to the smiles, 
Shovel the shit in a pile.
If there is a God he does not dwell.
In a sewage tank covered with a shell.
Made beautiful with false gold.
Robots who do what they're told.
Think about the rot and the bile.
Ponder and drink your coffee a while.

Maya's Writing in English Class

Loughlin oh Loughlin, I wish you were here with me, right here, right now in this little town. I sit here missing you and waiting for you to give me a sign that you are here. Loughlin, you are my brother that I miss the most. I love you so much. I miss you so much. I hope to see you again. I wish you were here mostly because I wish mom would be okay. She misses you the most. She is my Savior. I love her so much, We love you to the bottom of the earth. You will always be in my heart, always and forever I love you to the earth's core and back to the infinities. Even though I don't remember you as in the stuff we did together, I wish I did, but then again I don't remember the pain after it happened, so there is all good and bad to this subject. I remember some things we did together when I look at pictures but I wish I remembered more than that but sadly I don't.

Freewriting and Ode. My new English Major Child. So deep and thoughtful for a 14yr old. Love her so much!