24 years ago Rhiannon was born

Today is Rhiannon's birthday. She was a beautiful baby girl that I had only a short moment in time to enjoy. I know others say babies cannot smile but I remember her smiling. She hardly ever cried. She was so close to perfect. So long ago and yet it still stings.

I hope not today to go to the place where I long for what could have been. It seems the grief has ebbed for just a while. I need to gain strength for the upcoming weeks. So Happy Birthday my dear sweet baby. I love and miss you so much.

Yesterday's rant

I could think about apologizing for yesterday's rant but then again I was really holding back the feelings and thoughts that were traveling through my mind. I could have gone to the wish that the plague of the first born be visited upon the Earth again as it was in Moses' time, for I could withstand it twice and not be affected. But these are just random furious thoughts that I don't really wish but only wish that I was not having these dreadful feelings in such a dramatic fashion again. Yes I am feeling sorry for myself and my husband and my kids but sometimes I think I am only doing what I have to to survive. This is my way for now. You might think that I am wrong and weak. You might also think that I am a bit crazy and livid. You are no different than I except that I know I am all of those things.

Answer me this question:

If God brought the plague of the first born of Egypt to punish them for their evilness and iniquities, their not setting the Jews free, how can I not consider this a punishment for something I have done? How are you suppose to look at this as a test,  as some might have said, as a trial , others have mentioned, and the best one is because He loves me? He loves me as the pharaoh of old........................... hah

3 1/2 years and yet, it hurts like yesterday.

He is not here and he is not coming back

As I sat and lamented the reasons this graduation is incapacitating my every move I have leaped to the conclusion that this graduation is a huge reminder that Loughlin is gone. He is gone forever and he is not coming back.He is not going to be here for all of the important events in our lives. He is gone and even though those around us placate us with such nonsensical platitudes like he is close and he is watching, none of those are close to a factual truth. He is gone. He is not going to graduate, or go on a mission, or get married, have kids. He is gone. I know it makes others feel better to tell my family that this life is short, but that is because you don't feel this turmoil brewing in my soul. You don't feel the knife cutting out my heart. You don't feel the blur and confusion that racks my brain, so that even the simplest decisions seem as though I am solving a complex statistical equation. Life is not short. It is an ongoing, humiliating, torturous trial and I don't like it, nor do I enjoy living like this. Yesterday in church it was mentioned that we don't have any young men graduating. I am struggling for breath, take that knife, plunge it into my heart, twist it back and forth to get the full effect, pull it out and let me drop to the ground. The problem is I am still alive barely but alive.

Grandma's Embrace

Today I wish I could have my Grandma's arms around me telling me it will all be ok. It seems when she would tell me, I somehow would believe, even through some tough times. I need some assurance because I feel nothing but hopelessness. I am overwhelmed with grief and loneliness. I want my son back, graduating in 2 weeks. I want to see his kind face smiling in the sunshine. I want to fish with him up at the Owyhee. I want to just listen to him talk for hours about his dreams. If I can't have those things, I want to crawl into a dark space. I want to be alone in my misery. Missing falls so short of my feelings. It is no longer a gnawing. It feels as if a jagged toothed monster has ripped open my soul. God take away some of this pain or I will not make it through. Can you die of a broken heart?

Broke

I don't think I can live like this much more. I am so sad and I miss you Lough so much, I can't breath. My heart is broke. My hope is shattered. The pain is unbearable. I am tired, so very tired. I have been waiting for that brighter day but it isn't coming.

Graduation & Everything that goes with It

I have to say I completely underestimated the dismal response I would have to the upcoming graduation of Loughlin's classmates. I had ignored all of the extras that go along with it, the announcements, invites, presents, parties, and happiness. We also have to choose 8 of Lough's friends to give scholarships to. He had great friends and it is so hard. I just want to hibernate for a month until it is all over. I am almost positive he would be leaving for the "Y" and starting his life in the big bad world. It feels so unfair. I wonder what he would look like, how tall, how smart, would he have a girlfriend??? But most of all I just dream of holding my grown up boy.

Cyrus finally got his driver's license yesterday He was so excited and I was so proud. I love him so much. He is such a brave man. And then I could see all the excitement and happiness drain out of him this morning as he thought of taking the kids to school. He doesn't want that responsibility and really who would blame him. I wish I could bring back that naive and happy world we use to live in. I have tried but it is impossible. I feel honored to have such a son. In the last month he turned students in for cheating in his school, knowing the repercussions even from some teachers. He is mature beyond his years, beyond some adults years. He is exactly what his brother Loughlin and him always were, Steadfast, Decent and Principled. He is such a model for the others to look to.

Enough

I am at a breaking point. I am tired and overwhelmed and it seems as if one more thing slithers its way into my life, the mind might yield. The world seems disillusioned and confused. Honesty is no longer a concern in the schools. How are you to instill this virtue when the administrators slap the wrist, whisper cover ups and send the perpetrators on their way. Saddened by Senior Class pictures in the newspapers and the fliers, Letters from attorneys blaming me for my son's death and crazy moms that want to defile sacred ground to plead their cases. I would find a warm safe hole to crawl into if I wasn't blessed with a very extreme case of claustrophobia. God save the Queen!

Forced Order of Somekind

Our basement flooded, not once but twice last week. My first reaction was to call Oregon concrete and just fill the (explicit) thing up but last night we finally got to the dirty deed and I mean dirty. I have spent maybe a total of 15 minutes downstairs in the last 3 1/2 years. I haven't had the courage to be in Loughlin's space. I know some days I am making progress but I never have made progress there. It showed. Boys are just not built for deep cleaning, or cleaning in general. The food room is down there also, imaging a place of food storage with no upkeep for 3 years. UUUGGGHHH.  Now it is gutted. It looks like when we moved in, well it still has walls but I am sure you can picture. Everything was ruined, maybe save the mattresses. Anyway in all the madness, Harlen found the note with Kayla's picture on it that Loughlin and I searched for hours for after he dropped it, on the way home from school. Cy and him were fighting and I made him walk, I guess because he was the eldest but the whole day came back in full color and I am a walking wilted flower lately and these vivid memories do nothing but cause pain and sorrow. He would be graduating in a few days and yet all I have is 8th grade memories. This life sucks more than I can put into words. All these kids graduating and Lough well he is just gone and how can any of this be fair? I hate it here!!!!

Friends with Real Benefits

Harlen and I went to visit a husband and wife who live close by who have also lost 2 kids, on Tuesday night. It was nice in a lot of ways. Let's call the husband Joe and the wife Lucy. Joe spoke of the feeling of invincibility after he lost his young son. He thought he and his family were safe and protected. I also had that feeling after losing Rhiannon, like nothing would ever hurt like that again, that God took 1, he wouldn't take another. He spoke of what a mountain it was to climb when that invincibility broke and he had to realize that none of us are safe ever. His wife grieved a lot like Harlen and they also did not grieve a like. I still was the lone woMan out on the losing my faith but I always have walked a different path and usually not a easy path. It seems I miss the road signs and I never carry a map in this life. Lucy was sweet. She had accidentally backed over her young boy. She never carried the guilt, that is admirable. They are quite a ways further out of this grief than us but it was warming to see that it might get easier.

My closest friend in the world is the one that strengthens me. She lost her beautiful daughter to cancer at 15 after a long, hard, fought battle. She is strong. Her family is incredible. She still has trial after trial thrown at her and she comes out bruised and battered but she comes out stronger than anyone I know. She calls me and lifts my spirit when I am down and even though she has a daughter the same age as me, I could talk for hours on end to her. I love her and would do anything for her.

I have other friends who have not experienced this test but have been cheerleaders for us through this horrific process. These are the friends I want to surround myself with. Friends that do not judge or think I am weak for this road I am on. It is my road and only those who travel it with me can help lead me to the light.

Religion & Politics

I have had the opportunity in the last couple of years to observe the workings of church members from what you could say an outsider's view. I am having a hard time with plenty aspects of the church. I think in some way losing my faith has opened my eyes. I do not take anything for granted. I want to feel again without looking for reasons or proof but I am stuck in this world of show me. I love politics. I love how politicians say what you want to hear and say it to the right people. I love how they give more money, in election years to charity, well if they are smart they do. I love how they pretend to care about the downtrodden and the poor of heart. I really love how they promise to give so many freebies to so many different folks. They are always looking for a bigger and better position or calling in life.
Now if you didn't know any better wouldn't you think I was talking about the members of the church?, some members, most members, maybe? It makes me sad to watch so many people help others out of duty and not out of love. Maybe some don't know when you help them with that gleam in your eyes as if to say I am so much better than you. I would never have made the choices you have made even with the challenges you faced. That might be true and it also could be true that you wouldn't have made it this far. You care far more about the physical gain than you do a spiritual gain, houses, cars, tractors, etc. etc. and you strive for the callings in the church that will gain you your pride and the love of others. You talk to those you think will give you that advantage. Why Why would you want to be in those callings? Walls are so much easier than dealing with this tripe.

Conference

I have to say I use to enjoy Conference. It was a weekend that my family was together. We sat down to at least 2 of the sessions. We ate good. We laughed. We just enjoyed each others company. Now it seems as though Conference is an infomercial. The church trying to make you believe that if you are in this church, you are happy, that good things happen. We are to believe that people in the church care about the lost sheep. I know you are questioning the blasphemy of it all but just listen to my argument. Quite a few of the talks are about miracles. Everyone loves a miracle. Yet story after story of miracles does a mind and soul damage when your miracle didn't happen. When you hear example after example of children being healed or rescued, you have to wonder why God, if there is a God, overlooked you. He let my child die not once but twice. Look around. Are there really that many miracles? And yet I missed the talks of parents struggling to stay a float when their miracles never came true. When they lived through watching their child die in front of them. When they had to endure the sight of their children's cold lifeless bodies laying next to them. Do they understand it feels as though they have been forgotten by their Lord?, That everyday in this church is not a joyous day, That there are days on this Earth when Hell is closer than Heaven. I don't want to hear of miracles, miracles are for the weak, miracles are a forfeit in the 1st half of this game we call life, a gimme call by the ref. It isn't real. Real is living through this Hell. The people that have received their miracles don't need yet another pat on their backs, another story told of their miracle. It isn't fair to raise a false hope in the minds of the moms and dads out there waiting for a miracle. Be honest, don't let them think it is their fault that they weren't chosen, that they were not righteous enough to receive such blessings. It is a cruel game in which there are no winners.

Even Joseph Smith grew weary of this life. "Oh! I am so tired--so tired that I often feel to long for my day of rest. For what has there been in this life but tribulation for me? From a boy I have been persecuted by my enemies, and now even my friends are beginning to join with them to hate and persecute me! Why should I not wish for my time of rest?"

The New Old Video

Yesterday while I was busy doing books, that are far from being finished and caught up, my boys were downstairs tearing it apart so we can tile the floors. Cyrus brought me one of the greatest gifts a mom could receive. He found a video tape of Rhiannon when she was just a week old. I don't remember even ever having this video, in fact I only own 2 pictures of her. It is on VCR and I don't own a machine to play it but today we are going to town to buy one. I can't wait to see my baby girl again. I don't even remember what she was like, how she cried, if she even did. I am shaking with anticipation and yet I also know it will open old wounds that have a heavy scar over them. The good outweighs the bad by about a ton though. Wish me luck!

Life moves forward

I know it has been forever since I have taken time to write on this blog. I have been struggling through these days. We had our annual sale and the energy it takes to put it all together is all I have. I have been running on empty. My kids have been getting a lot of empty. I am always tired. This ongoing mourning process is tiring almost all of the time. Phone calls from colleges have started up again and the letters in the mail are constant. all of these reminders of what our life should have been. I feel as though I am in a repeating episode of the Christmas Carol. I am stuck with the ghost showing me what should have been.

Harlen told me he felt blessed after our sale was such a success. I don't know if I ever will feel blessed again. It's like taking away your life savings and then giving me a quarter and want some sort of gratefulness. I am not there. I still sit in a dismal state of want. I want him back. I feel like a spoiled child asking again and again for the same thing, knowing I will never get it. Don't you know that you took my heart and my soul when you took him from me. Don't you know our family will never be whole without him here. When we have a good meal together, everyone talking, laughing, having a good time, with no anger, I feel guilty because we are moving on and the guilt pulls me back in to the mist of pain that follows us. My babies need their brother. I am so sad. I miss you so much Loughlin. Everyone is growing up, moving on and I will never see you do any of it. Graduation is just 3 months away. I love you buddy.

Fasting

I have been fasting for 40 hours right now well except for a bit of liquid to take my meds. I am fasting for so many reasons, a few of which are to teach me once again that food is not in control of me and that I can control what I put in my mouth. I am fasting for peace. I am also fasting for help in dealing with a truth I knew long ago but never wanted to really believe. The last thing I am fasting for is a real knowledge of God. I am trying to be humble and pray but the anger has grasped hold of my mind and is putting up a grand fight in letting go. It is hard to believe that all of those things you felt throughout your life that the people around you thought of you are completely true. I want to give and receive real forgiveness. I am tired of trying to be something I am not just to make others happy. I cannot be the person I want to be when all of these things encompass my life, my thinking. I have little energy and I need to focus it all towards my family to get them into adulthood without being incredibly nuts like their mom is.

Window of opportunity

When I get more time I will post about my incredible vacation to Hawaii. It was all I could hope for and more. I saw scenery that only you see in pictures. It was relaxing and it was also very hard to come home. I missed my kids terribly and all I could think about is taking them back one day. I want to move there. If I could figure a way for our family to make it, I would be there tomorrow. Mahalo.

I am sorry that I live where I live. I want to go somewhere and make a fresh start. I want a new start with a religion. I want to find something that helps me feel peace. I don't like where I am at. I have tried for a while but that window of opportunity is gone. I am starting a new trail, a new venture in to finding a peace.

Hawaii Bound

Tuesday morning bright and early we are leaving for beautiful Hawaii for 7 days. As it quickly approaches, the nerves are starting to settle and the excitement is growing. I am still a little crazy scared about losing the kids but the beautiful waves of the pacific are calling my name and I can no longer ignore their voices. I am going to relax and enjoy this so much. It has been forever since Harlen and I have been alone for more than a few hours.

The Dreary Days of December

I know it's not December yet but November just didn't sound as good. I am struggling through the holidays. I have a wheelchair back in my house. I can't really explain the emotions that that simple piece of equipment conjures up in my soul. It takes me back to the dark days after the accident and the first holidays without Loughlin and I am having a hard time breaking free. I really don't want to leave my girl home in a wheelchair. I am so jumpy and anxious that something else is going to happen. I hated the hospital. I struggled for oxygen the entire time we were there. Maya's Dr.'s office is there also and I just got home from there again. I am such a wreck. I cry or get angry at anything. I wish I could say I can't wait for Hawaii but that really isn't the case. I can wait..........

My girl and SCFE

Today is the first time since the accident and losing Loughlin that I am dealing with a medical issue for one of my kids. Maya has a condition known as SCFE. Her chances of getting this is 8 in 100,000. We found out today at 4pm and she is being rushed into surgery tomorrow morning to fix the growth plate at the top of her femur. They will insert a large screw to keep it stable until the growth plate firms. she will be put under anesthesia. I am a basket case tonight. I thought I was getting stronger but tonight I feel like a wet noodle. One of the reasons she could of got this condition is from being overweight. She was never overweight until this life change and losing Loughlin. I am pretty sure everything will turn out fine but that slim chance hangs in the air like the staleness of a cigar, making my stomach churn and my mind work overtime. Please send prayers this way for my beautiful girl.

Revelation, Inspiration, Perspiration?

I wonder about these three words so often. Kid gloves on some, a hatchet on others. Poor poor soul or damned? A duck is a duck unless it is a duck disguised as a weasel. I wish I could live with rose colored glasses creating a world of beautiful tints but I have never seen this world as anything than what it is. I wish I could say the same for those around me that occupy this Earth.

All in all this new experience has made me realize that I no longer want to wear the posture of victim hood. I am me and I am created by everything that has happened in my life, everything that has happened to those I love throughout the past until now. I react only to what I know. I will stand for what is right. I will always try and protect those that need protection, especially the ones who cannot protect themselves. It is hard for me to stand back and watch an injustice being perpetrated. So if you ask you will get what I think

Life is calming

It seems our life has slowed to a trot. True's football season has ended with an undefeated season, in fact they didn't even have a close game. He is surrounded by a very talented and good group of boys. Maya's volleyball season is also over. They won about 50% of their games but she loved every minute of it. Lea has decided that her Cheer class is not for her and I really am happy about that. Giles has scouts and spends most of the rest of the time complaining that he can't play football yet. Mondays are so hard with Scouts, football, Achievement Days, Driver's Ed + every other normal occurrence in our lives that I don't miss that extra drive to town. Cyrus' team made state. It's been a long season for the Antelopes, well at least for us. We made it through both Loughlin's Birthday and the day he left us. It seemed more difficult this year but every year has been so hard. Farming is coming to an end, whether we like it or not. The snow was on the ground this morning. We have corn left to harvest and then the dreaded ground work........But the most exciting news is that Harlen and I leave for Hawaii on December 6th for our 20th wedding anniversary. I am both excited and petrified. I have never left the kids for 7 days and I have never been that far from home. I am excited though to spend so much undisturbed time with my hubby and to see one of the most beautiful places on Earth. It will fulfill a much needed rest for both of us. Harlen and Giles are traveling to California and back as we speak delivering bulls. I hate being here without them.

Friday we watched 3 football games. Cyrus', True's and then we ventured in to watch Loughlin's class play their last home game of the season. They are also undefeated. I thought it would be hard but it really was enjoyable to watch how ell all of them are doing. Loughlin would have loved it. Go Bulldogs! they really should do well at state.

3 years and 1 hr ago

I know, I know 3 years but the pain still remains so strong. I am breathless and weak today. My kids are in school. Harlen is working. So I guess I lost and it will be a day like any other day but not for me and not for my soul that is crying out. I wish I could find something to ease the pain today. I think I would almost try anything.

Darkness Looms

The 3 year mark is drawing near and my heart is sinking like a poorly thrown skipping stone. Harlen told me that days are just days. I wish I could say the same. My days are not the same, some are not worth noting and others shake my existence. I have a feeling Thursday will be one of those days.

My Aunt Norma died last week. Well she was my Great Aunt and she was just that, Great. I loved my Grandma's sisters, each one of them. They all had a special place in my heart and there is but one left. I am sad. I would have rather spent the day with one of them, than spent it with my favorite movie star. Each moment spent in conversation with these great women was a treasure chest for my heart. They lived through such trials and each and everyone of them was a heroine in my mind. I wish I could visit the other side for so many reasons.

Tonight hopefully a little bit of restful sleep, tomorrow acupuncture again. It seems to be helping. Who knows though?

Losing it, and no not my mind, well.......

I don't think I have mentioned much about Cyrus playing football this year. This is the first time he has played since the accident. In the the wreck both of his legs were crushed and twisted in with the rubble,in with what was left of the front end of our suburban. His recovery has been painful and slow. Before our life changed he was first string at everything he tried. He was so strong. He was talented. He had so much heart. This year he joined up again. We are attending a much smaller school, almost every boy plays football. It is as much social as athletic. He decided to play and for over 3 months he has dealt with so much pain in his legs. Pain so severe he will be up at night because the pain won't let him sleep. He doesn't run the same. Everything is so much harder than it once was. He is not first string. He hasn't missed one day of practice. He shows up and he works as hard as his body will let him. He might not have all his skills but he has HEART and he is so STRONG!

Finally yesterday there was a Jr. Varsity game and they were only taking 11 players. He was finally going to get the chance to show what he was made of and he was doing just that. He was playing so good, so hard. I was so happy for him. At half time they took him out. True came and told me it was because he was late for school that morning. In the past THIS school has let me excuse his tardiness with a note. I guess the policy is different on game days. This last week has been so rough on me. I haven't slept but maybe 2 hrs a night. That night I was up until about 4 when I finally fell asleep. I didn't wake up to the alarm. Harlen has been working 18-20 hr days trying to get harvest done. It was my fault he was late, not his. They pulled him out for THAT! After all of THIS! I lost it on the principal who was getting ready to coach the volleyball team. I am sure a lot of people heard me. I hate showing my emotion in public but you have to know I was running on empty and control was not in the script for the day. I think I said something like I killed my son in a car accident 3 years a go and I haven't slept in a week and really hasn't Cyrus been punished enough for what I have done. I just walked out. I feel terrible, terrible I lost my temper, terrible I was rude, terrible I showed my emotion and appeared so weak, terrible I appear that I am failing once again and can't keep my family together, terrible that I am still struggling so much. I think I will write a letter apologizing because I can't quite seem to talk about this yet without showing all my cards, without the emotion. I have never been good with emotion.

The Good , The Bad and the really ugly.......

I use to use this blog to get rid of all my negative thoughts. It seems when they were put down on the screen they left my mind. It was my way of dealing with them. I know some of the thoughts were not sane but the only way I could work through them is to get them out and read them, run them through again and again. I haven't been doing this lately, somewhat because of the way people read and use the things I write against me, also because of time constraints. I believe I was healthier when I was doing this.

I want to tell you about my day, yesterday. I woke up late because I haven't been sleeping as well as I should be. I quit taking my pills that were helping me sleep because they were working to well and I was always tired. So now I struggle the other way. I don't know which is worse, not sleeping or sleeping too much. Any way, because I slept too long the kids were late for school. Everyone is angry on the ride to school. We drive past Loughlin's grave. I noticed that someone had put new things on it. My mind drifted. The sounds are all around me but I remember Loughlin, him smiling, laughing. The kids are asking me questions but I am not able to answer them. On my way home I pass his grave again. I want to stop but I don't think I could walk that far out of my car. I keep driving, stop at the mailbox because I didn't yesterday. There are two letters there for Loughlin, colleges wanting him to apply. I have received plenty of these. I set them aside until I could throw them away. When I walk in the house, I know I have so much to do but it will just have to wait until tomorrow. Phone calls from the school start from my kids, missing picture envelopes, athletic clothes for the pictures. I am still a little dazed from the nightmare at 4 am. The accident all over again, there is Loughlin laying there then some how Rhiannon is laying next to him. Both of them dying within my reach but there is nothing I can do to stop it. The time slows, I stumble through the rest of the hours until I need to pick up the kids. The mail is there again. I grab it on the way to the school. There is a package there addressed to Loughlin. It says Happy 18th Birthday, Welcome to manhood. The bitter irony is that is a free razor. I think of what a razor can do, in this mind of mine that hasn't stopped all day, hasn't stopped thinking of my dead son. A razor cuts and you bleed and it hurts just like seeing this has done to my soul. The phone rings and my mom is on the other end. She begins to tell me about things down there but my mind is occupied with the razor, manhood, 18. I tell her and I cry. I don't like crying to anyone but Harlen. It shows my weakness. I don't want anyone in my house because it is a mess, like my life. I am weak. I should be able after 3 years to handle this, handle my life, but I can't.

5 days ago though we had a good day. Good things happened to and for all of my babies. I thought wow can it really be like this again? But I couldn't stay there, I tried. I tried so hard. I am trying to take the good that happens and dwell on it but the guilt is so strong. I still just want him back.

3 Days

For three days now I have been back in that dark place, the place where there is no hope, no light, and really no love. I find myself in conversations with no knowledge of what the other person is saying. Their mouths move but my mind can scarcely find room for my own thoughts, not alone their problems, cares or joys. I am miserable. I am soooo tired of trying to overcompensate for being such a horrible mom, for putting my beautiful children through more than any child should ever have to bear, for taking a life. I saw where they charged a mom in Southern Idaho with vehicular homicide just the other day for not having her child in a seat belt when they wrecked. Why her and not me? Wow really, isn't losing your child enough punishment for the rest of you days? And yet ........

I have no energy for anything. I go to games and practices and just try to keep up on laundry. My house is a disaster, my life worse. I want to give up but that would be more than my kids could handle.

Happy Happy Birthday Loughlin

Tomorrow you would have turned 18. Pizza and football tonight followed by your favorite restaurant tomorrow, Red Lobster. My only wish is, still and forever, that you could be here with us. We miss you so much. Still feels like yesterday and yet forever since you were here. We are so blessed for the time we had with you. You were, and always will be, so incredible.

Loughlin's Birthday is Sunday

We are trying to decide what to do to celebrate Loughlin's 18th birthday. We thought about BYU-Utah football game but thought about it much too late. the only tickets left are expensive and pretty close to the clouds. So now we are thinking about heading to the lake. We haven't been all year. I would really love to get out of this place though, if just for the two days. True has his first game today in football and Maya her first volleyball game both in Notus. Cy plays again on Friday. I really love the fall sports. I hope they fair better than my college and NFL teams did this last week. I love watching my kids compete, win or lose. I love them all so much.

The wave has subsided

It seems as though I have made it through one of the worst waves of grief and anger, that I have experienced. I am glad it is slowly ending. I feel so much better. I am finding some hope once again. I am so grateful for a loving husband who helps me through this unbelievable pain.

Cyrus is playing football for the first time since the accident. It is hard for a over caring mom to watch, but I am so proud of him. It is painful for him but he is so brave in the way he is facing this challenge. He wants to play again.

True is playing to and is as mean as ever. Maya started early morning volleyball. 6am in the morning, makes me appreciate my mom so much that took me to swim team for 6 years at 5 am.

But most important in our lives is the HOPE and the LOVE I can feel again.

Leaders

What we want in our leaders:

Honesty, One who does what he says he will do, Compassionate, Empathy for those around him, Intelligent, knowing one's limitations and not stepping over those borders, Humble, admitting when one is wrong.

Not too much to ask.