Birthdays

"Man I am having a hard time remembering it's 2014", the lady in front of me said. "2014", that means I am 44 not 43 which I was having a hard time dealing with in the last week. 44 ugh. Part of me wants to go back to earlier, happier times. The other part of me wants to be 90 and the end is in sight. I have had a rough month, but the case settled and at least I am not in court for this wonderful celebratory day. (haha) We are 1/4 of the way through this legal battle. I don't know if I can make it much longer. I am a wreck. I shake like I have Parkinson's. I no longer can drive without images of the past crossing my mind constantly. I am miserable. The kids are back in school today. Harlen is testing bulls and took Cyrus to help. I am alone. It is so quiet here at home. I want to scream, to cry, to pray but I cannot muster up enough energy to do any of the three. I want to lay down and sleep, dream of better days but the nightmares are horrendous again. Once again I will wear the face that I keep in the jar by the door and act like I am fine, that I will have a awesome birthday and that once again our family is doing well.