Finding Joy

 

 My life, pre Loughlin's death, was fun, easy going. I enjoyed so many things: cooking, shopping, going out, watching movies, my kids' concerts, my kids games, get together's, fishing, boating and especially just being with my family, especially at the coast. My life now is so different.

Cooking is a chore and I have a hard time coming up with new and yummy things to make for my family. I bought Harlen a Traeger grill for Christmas, that seems to at least me helping with the dull drum. I do most of my shopping from the warmth of my living room. Amazon is my best friend. If I could buy milk online I would. I feel fairly agoraphobic when I am out.

I still watch movies but just to take up time. It has to be an incredible masterpiece to float my boat. My kids concerts are almost unbearable. All those people crammed into a gym or auditorium is mind numbing. I know you would think I would want to take it all in but I don't.

 My kids games make me anxious and I am so competitive  that it has taken the fun out of it. I don't remember the last time we went fishing. Maybe once or twice since we lost Loughlin but to many memories are attached and the water everywhere and how many people drown in lakes every year, I am so out of shape I would be helpless to save them.
                         

 I think I miss being on vacation most. But the last few really were more work than reward.  So how do I find joy again when everything seems so hard. I know most of you are thinking I am just depressed but it is so more. I am on my meds. Nothing has changed except for going through the court ordeal and watching Cyrus live all of the hell again. My life is busy right now with our annual bull sale coming up. My brother gets out of jail tomorrow for his 3rd DUI. My dad just had knee replacement. My mom goes in for back surgery on Thursday.



They call me wishing I could be there to help but I can't with all of my commitments here. The unhealthy guilt overwhelms me.

So I would like some suggestions on how I can find some happiness again. I am tired of feeling worthless, or that the ones around me would be better without me. I am tired of being sad and guilty of killing my two babies. How does one live with that in their head constantly.