Images

There are some images that are hid in the dark spaces of my mind that if I had the choice, I would never want to bring forward again; some sounds and smells that haunt my very existence.

5 years + after the accident we are still dealing with the insurance company. It has got to a point that a trial was set for January 6 ( my birthday) Garner vs. Garner. What a joke.  The fact is that we had car insurance and farm insurance on the day of the accident and yet the company refused to settle for 5 years. Letters after Letters, requests, Dr. visits, Counselor visits, more letters blaming me for killing my son, more appointments, more attorneys. Yesterday I received a letter from the attorney who is suppose to be my attorney and the insurance company's attorney (funny since we never had the same interest in this case) saying that if we couldn't get along he no longer could be our attorney and the process would begin again. Included in this letter was the knowledge that he didn't want pictures of Loughlin dead in the car be allowed in court. I have to say this is the first time I realized there were such pictures. . . .

These are the images I never want to see in my mind again, although they come, they come with each letter, with each reminder of what I did. Loughlin laying there, cold, blood; Rhiannon laying there cold, blood coming from her nose. I can hear me screaming, I killed my son, I killed my son. They won't let me stay there. They won't let me lay down beside him, just let me hold his hand...let me kiss him...let me say goodbye. don't take me away. I am fine. I want to stay with my babies, with Cyrus, with Maya.......Oh God don't let this be true....

We need some closure. I hope it settles in the next 5 days.... I feel exhausted most of the time. It has clouded our holidays and ruined Cyrus' break from school. If I could do anything I would to take this away from them. I even prayed yesterday, God how long can this ugly reminder go on?