Attention Deficit

I think with every death, after sometime has passed, loved ones around us lose interest, start living their lives, as they should. It is hard to keep the attention of passerbies, even friends and family. I can almost hear them scream, "Get on with it, will you. It has been 5+ years." Maybe it is possible to get on with my life. It isn't for lack of trying that I haven't. Something or someone calls me back to that day. It isn't hard. I drive down our hill and pass by the exact place Loughlin took his last breath, 3 or 4 times a day. I would be cold if I didn't drift back and yet every time I do I become colder. Empathy and Sympathy are a couple of emotions I don't do well anymore. So as those around me are saying, "Get on with it." I find myself saying, "Really, get over it." People will tell me they are just young and I think I was 18 when I lost Rhiannon. After 3 months I had people telling me, get on with it. What is 'it'? How do I get on with it? I am on medicine that helps me deal but it also keeps many emotions and feelings out. Numb is my heart. Numb from what I have done, what I have seen, what I have lived, what I believed and now don't. Life is a lie. Seldom is the truth told. Instead we hear worn out cliches: that which doesn't kill me makes me stronger, home can be a heaven on earth, this is a test, God loves you or he wouldn't have gave you this trial, on and on. I do my best to raise my kids. I tell them I love them everyday. I do love them. I love them more than life itself. If I could have I would have gave my life so they could live. So much promise in both of them. I am such a tired 44 year old. My chest hurts from trying to breath. My eyes are blurred from tears. I shake as if I am frightened all day long and at night tremors awake me. How does one forgive herself?