Trying I feel like dying. So tired of trying. Wake-up Blue. Aching all through My distorted form. Wishing I was never born. I’m weary ever...

 Yesterday was the 12th anniversary of the accident and Loughlin's death. I stayed busy most of the day. I couldn't get enough coura...

 I feel like I accomplished something today. I paid all the late bills. I talked to the painters, My boys helped me install a new fridge and...

 I haven't been checking my comments for s long time, but i would love to hear your input.

  Yesterday was a hard day for me. I had to deal with the life insurance. I had to open up to checking accounts for the money people gave us...

  Lonely but not alone. Intelligent but not all known Crazy but not insane Guilty but who’s to blame? Sad but still alive, Shallow...

  It's funny at the end no one is around. The house is empty. Nothing makes a sound. Do you need me I hear from a distance. No Let me he...

                                      Do you know heartache triggers actual physical pain? It's a crazy thought that the two things this...

  One month out and I still await Harlen's return at night. Nothing feels right. I am so tired all of the time. My shoulders feel like t...

 Oh they crawl around stealing the hours I need to sleep. on the ceiling, their claws make wretched scratches  but the light shows no sign? ...

 The sun is setting in the West with a tinge of red and orange in a sorrowful way. The fires are blazing on the West Coast . The fires are d...

The new bone marrow biopsy came back with double the amount of leukemia cells in the marrow than when Harlen started. It was devastating...

If the weatherrman called for 20% chance of rain would you bother with an umbrella? The results haven't come in from the 5th bone marrow...

I sit in this room all day long while Harlen gets phone call after phone call from all of his friends, but I just listen to the one sided co...

I am writing from the self made bunker of the Huntsman Center in SLC, Utah. Harlen's last biopsy came back dirty with leukemia so ...

Agoraphobia (ag-uh-ruh-FOE-be-uh) is a type of anxiety disorder in which you fear and avoid places or situations that might cause you to pa...

I know I have talked about my migraines in the past, but I am having a bad one today, yesterday, the day before and most debilitating to...

We have had some hard sales in the past, after Val died, after Loughlin died, and after Deanie died, but this is going to be the hardest y...

As most of you know Harlen's last bone marrow biopsy came back showing cancer, not as much as last time but it is there. We came down to...

What can I say? Being a Grammy is the greatest thing on Earth. I thought that having my own kids, each of them was the greatest event to ...

Today is day 34 in the hospital. I am exhausted. I just wrapped Harlen's PICC line so he could shower. I am not a nurse. I have ne...

Harlen's bone marrow came back clean of all cancer in his last biopsy. We are still in the hospital and will be until his good cells sta...

I just have a simple question. Why not me? Harlen is so loved by so many. He does such an awesome job at being positive. He is a supreme pro...

Tonight I am tired and sad. The end

Lea is a sophomore, played both softball varsity 1st base and volleyball varsity setter. She earned a 4.0 and was Homecoming Princes...

It's Christmas Eve and we are in St. Luke's hospital, well Harlen and me. Wednesday we went for his appointment at MSTI and his ...

I haven't been on the blog for a while. When last I wrote our future looked bright, but life never is that easy. St, Luke's broke up...

The Stem Cell Transplant Team at St. Luke's found two donors for Harlen and the transplant will be in 4-5 weeks. I am feeling blesse...

Today I am paralyzed. I am sure most of you believe that I am not being literal, but I am. It is amazing what the mind can do to the b...

I'm am writing from the confines of the 3rd floor at St. Luke's hospital. Harlen spiked a fever on Thursday and this is where we end...

This is not a fight we chose, but it is a fight we are in. Harlen's labs were bad on Friday again. We spent Saturday getting two transfu...

I feel pressured to take giant steps in my renewed belief in God. I like to live life in the slow lane, but I feel a constant question from ...

Readers of this blog know the pain and bitterness I have had since Loughlin died, hell since Rhiannon died, since I was raped, since I was m...

That was the diagnoses given to Harlen just weeks ago. This is going to be a fight, but we are ready for it. We have lived through so much t...

Not really. There is no joy in panic attacks. In fact you think you are dying and maybe you will one day. Of course you will one day, d...

Cyrus and McKayla are pregnant and I am ecstatic! 9 weeks along looks like a January baby.

Woke up screaming in a cold sweat. It took me minutes before I realized I wasn't in 1988. Sitting up against my headboard, breathing err...

My favorite book has a great quote on grief. Harlen and I listened to Fahrenheit 451 on our last roadtrip. I haven't read it since soph...

Depression is a funny thing. It sweeps in for small reasons and decides on it's own how long to stay. Today was the 1st time in a long...

Everyday I grow older. You grow older. My kids grow older. Harlen grows older, and yet Loughlin stays 15 and Rhiannon stays that baby that I...

I avoid mirrors as much as I can. Today as I was waiting for Harlen in the car, I looked in my rear view mirror. I was noticing all the wrin...

It's Giles's 17th birthday today. Another milestone in this family, and I can choose whether this milestone pulls me further into...

I have had a long migraine, 7 days in fact, 9 shots, and finally I feel a little better today. The stress is taking over. Driving 8 hrs to m...

Storms a brewing. Spirits are cooing. Haunting my thoughts. The have and have nots. The silence is deafening. Choking and threatening. ...

I went to my niece's brother and sister in law's funeral on Saturday.  If you live close you know the story. The DeLeon's eere g...

Merry Christmas 2018 Lea is a Freshman and made the varsity volleyball team. She never stops moving, involved in everything it ...