My 4th worst birthday

I know I sound so self absorbed lately. I am. Is this about me? No it isn't but the exhaustion weakens me. The never ending trials absorbs my resolve to want to fight on. Even the kids aren't enough to keep me here. I don't care if there is even an after world. I just want a non stop very hot vacation.
If I ranked my birthdays I would certainly put the 2 years after losing Loughlin as the worst. There was one that I thought my mom was going to surprise me with a party, but she just forgot. So trivial now but then it was huge. Yesterday started out incredible. Maya made me the breakfast of my dreams. She is so sweet. I love her more than life itself. That isn't enough. Because I don't love life at all. I love her more than the most perfect painting ever created or my favorite novel. I love her. I love all my children like that but Maya is my sunshine.
I got a new recliner also. A good place to fall asleep forever.
The problem is the underlying darkness in my life. It is taking over. I hate right now. I hate. I hate. I hate. I hate. How do I go on? How do I find the strength to push through, to get the catalog done, to run the sale? Come and take it all away. The place on the hill above my biggest mistake, the one where I killed my son is up for grabs. Take the fucking thing. Take me. Let the others start from scratch. I lost my confidant. I lost my friend. I am losing another one....... Surely this is more than enough. Job aint got nothing on me.