Lea's10th Birthday

Happy Birthday my dear, sweet beautiful girl.

Lea turned 10 yesterday. She is such an incredible girl. She sings like an angel. She shows steers like a cowgirl and she plays baseball like The Bambino. 

She was a surprise addition to our family, but what a gift. She keeps me going when I don't feel like I can do anymore. I coached her softball team again this year. She was awesome. We got 3rd in the tournament against much older and larger girls.

When she was born she was a handful. She never quit moving. Her brother's and sisters got tired of her. She was mischievous and quite a lil' monster.

She had one ally, Loughlin. He and her had this unbreakable bond. I thought it would last forever. Lately I find myself reminding her what they were like together. She doesn't remember. It breaks my heart all over again. She was so young when he left us. I can't expect her to feel the love anymore. I dreamed of that bond they speak of in poetry, movies and songs, but that was also a unreal. Life here on this Earth is not like that.

Our family was forever altered on that day.

Shine On

I am sure that as you have read my posts over the last 6 years you have to know I struggle with aspects of the church I belong to. I struggle with the gospel itself. I struggle with the aspect of God's love, blessings, heaven, afterlife......just about everything. I have lost my faith. I have lost 2 of my children and along with it a lot of my empathy for others. My husband on the other hand has found his faith, his God, his existence in this world. I still try to go to my church meetings. It takes all the strength I can muster to go and sit through these 3 hours. Let me give you an example of what I must entertain......

Sunday was the farewell of a very popular boy in our ward. He is a good kid. He has had a good life, quarterback, valedictorian, eagle scout. He did a great job speaking, but and here is the big but,  the priest quorum advisor spoke next. He spoke of how some boys shine and some don't, how you could pick out those kids that shined from an early age and how all those shiny kids are now on missions. He talked about how some choose education over service, how some are willing to give up 2 yrs of their lives to serve and others have selfish desires, some are too smart??????. OK we will leave that one.

I could feel my heart race, my blood pressure rise. I couldn't help but think back on Cyrus' life with this man as his advisor ( I use this word very laughingly). I look back at these Shiney boys and how they left Cyrus in his misery, never once trying to reach out to a young man who was completely struggling with the loss of his brother. Cyrus finally getting enough courage to step out, inviting these so called Shiney boys to a party at his house, not one showed up, except one that would be looked down on by most at the church. The bishop saying, well Cyrus really has never tried to be friends with these Shiny Boys..... How do we judge which kids are good and which kids make out with every girl they can get their hands on? Which kids help others and those that can only see past themselves. Those who cheat and those who turn in cheaters. Cyrus is the only one out of that group that hasn't made the decision to go on a mission. There is no way I could have misconstrued this message. Tell me again how these men are called of God and I will tell you why I have a hard time believing in this God. Cyrus doesn't go to church at college....I am sure you can guess why.