Images

There are some images that are hid in the dark spaces of my mind that if I had the choice, I would never want to bring forward again; some sounds and smells that haunt my very existence.

5 years + after the accident we are still dealing with the insurance company. It has got to a point that a trial was set for January 6 ( my birthday) Garner vs. Garner. What a joke.  The fact is that we had car insurance and farm insurance on the day of the accident and yet the company refused to settle for 5 years. Letters after Letters, requests, Dr. visits, Counselor visits, more letters blaming me for killing my son, more appointments, more attorneys. Yesterday I received a letter from the attorney who is suppose to be my attorney and the insurance company's attorney (funny since we never had the same interest in this case) saying that if we couldn't get along he no longer could be our attorney and the process would begin again. Included in this letter was the knowledge that he didn't want pictures of Loughlin dead in the car be allowed in court. I have to say this is the first time I realized there were such pictures. . . .

These are the images I never want to see in my mind again, although they come, they come with each letter, with each reminder of what I did. Loughlin laying there, cold, blood; Rhiannon laying there cold, blood coming from her nose. I can hear me screaming, I killed my son, I killed my son. They won't let me stay there. They won't let me lay down beside him, just let me hold his hand...let me kiss him...let me say goodbye. don't take me away. I am fine. I want to stay with my babies, with Cyrus, with Maya.......Oh God don't let this be true....

We need some closure. I hope it settles in the next 5 days.... I feel exhausted most of the time. It has clouded our holidays and ruined Cyrus' break from school. If I could do anything I would to take this away from them. I even prayed yesterday, God how long can this ugly reminder go on?

Signs that the gloomy days of the holidays are in full throttle

1) A shower or bath is completely too much work. How many different hats do I own so I don't have to do my hair. How many days can you go before you really smell, I mean really....
2) Black Friday, what a joke, Cyber Monday seems like it could stress the senses.
3) Christmas lights and Christmas songs bring on this feeling like an unreachable itch, a burning lump in my chest. Turn them off, Turn them off!
4) What is the latest date you can put out the worn out Christmas Decorations?
5) A Christmas Poem about how happy our family is, bahahah.
6) A Family Picture, except there will never be a family picture again.
7) Sweats aren't nearly comfortable enough. I need to wear my cuddle duds underneath those ugly gray sweats and the bigger the sweatshirt the better, even if it has BYU printed on it. OUCH!
9) Flip flops are still part of the wardrobe, even if it snows.
10) When sleep used to come easy now I lay in bed and worry about everything from my kids to the nasty smell in the fridge. A diet of coffee and Rockstars is back on the menu, oh and don't forget the advil and anti-depressants.

Coming Home

Our plans for Thanksgiving took a shift when True's football team made the finals in the state playoffs. We were planning a trip to Utah to spend with my side of the family. We don't get down there very often and my parents, especially my mom, have not been in the greatest health. I was looking forward to the change of scenery and it is a halfway point for Cyrus coming from Laramie. I thought it was the perfect plan, but as with every perfect plan a screw was thrown in the machine. Cyrus decided to drive the distance. He was excited to come home and I was worried about him driving 12 hours by himself but so, so, so excited for him to be home again. I miss him everyday. I miss his sarcasm and his intelligence in every conversation. I love the way True and him interact with each other. Each of them brings out the best in the other. Everyone loves Cyrus.

On Tuesday he called at 11 am to say he was heading out. I have never had the feeling of your baby coming home. It was so strange. It was elation, and love and a fullness in my heart that I can't really explain in words. I think in the next 12 hrs, I laughed and I cried and I jumped up and down. He has been gone for just about 3 months. Rhiannon and Loughlin left but I never got this experience and it felt so strange to be happy as he walked through the door. He is leaving in about a half of an hour. I am sure I will cry, but I know now he will be back, in just 3 weeks he will be home again. I hope for the rest of my life he will come home, once in a while just to make his mom smile. I love you, Cyrus and you always make me proud.