Panic, fear, anxiety........Every morning when I open my eyes, the room feels as if the oxygen has been depleted. I breath in but there is never any fulfillment. My head spins just enough to nauseate me. I have 5 children to get up and get moving. I struggle through, not wanting them to know where I am at. I have been crazy long enough. Crazy, how long have I been this way. Oh it's been worse, so much worse, times I don't recall, times people remind me of. I am trying now, trying to get through, to be happy, to be successful. Sometimes I feel like staying in bed, pulling the covers over my head, not wanting to go out, not wanting to be seen, to have to talk, today is that day. Breathing is a luxury to me, thinking clearly a gift. The grief now feels so overwhelming, the sorrow uncontainable. It seems the two go hand in hand. I pray for some sort of easement. I pray for strength from my Father. I am waiting. I am trying so hard to make it...........

Life, Faith and Miracles

The lesson in R.S. today was on faith, blessings and miracles. I have had many close friends and family members pray for miracles, only to never see them fulfilled. I am happy for those that have had miracles touch their lives. I am grateful to a kind Heavenly Father that sends some of us the miracles we desire. I know faith is required to receive such blessings. I also know that some of the greatest people in the world don't receive their miracle. I have seen with my own eyes the faith that these wonderful friends, the sincere desire in which they asked for these things, sometimes for themselves but also for their loved ones.

I remember at 17, knowing my beautiful cousin was losing her battle with cancer, being on my knees praying for her to be healed, watching my incredible aunt and uncle suffer as their oldest daughter fought with all of her might to win, I am sure they tried everything they could to aid in her struggle for her life, but their miracle never came.

I also remember watching one of my closest friend's daughter struggle with that same cancer that took my cousin. I don't know if I have ever met greater people than her and her husband. Faith, fasting, blessings, doctors, everything was tried but they never got their miracle either.

Then their is my husband, also and incredibly faithful man and wonderful if I don't say so myself. I watched his father struggle for as many years as I knew him with bad health. Doctors, prayers, fasting, blessings and even after his heart failed him in the hospital praying for a miracle but once again that miracle never came.

All around me there are miracles, big and small happening everyday. Are those lucky few more faithful? I have a firm belief that our Father in Heaven is in control and only He sends those miracles. It isn't a greater faith, or a more righteous few that are the recipients. It is His plan. I am still trying to remember this each day. I believe it takes great faith to go on even after your miracle doesn't come. Faith is to hope for things that are not seen. Miracles are seen, so they do not increase your faith. Having your loved ones taken from you leaving sorrow and emptiness, increases your faith, your hope, your desire for an eternal family.

"Charity suffereth long"

It is difficult to explain the experience of passing through a long trial. Each day is difficult but the cumulative effect of facing challenges day after day magnifies the burden. When we start off on a long journey up a steep mountain, our first steps aren't too hard. As we continue to hike though, all of the steps that came before make each new step harder and harder. If someone hadn't seen the mountain and didn't know what the incline was and only seen us at the summit, they would conclude that we aren't in very good shape or that we aren't very good climbers. When in fact, just the opposite is true, we are in great shape.

It is not wise to compare our crosses, although many of us get caught up in doing just that. Each of us have struggles and trials, not everyone is equal. This is one of my biggest burdens in this life. I have a hard time with the fairness of it all. I want a game to be fair. I want punishment to be fair. I want life to be fair, but none of these things ever come about. I need to find enough faith to understand that God is in control, not me. If I could do just that, the guilt that I feel might be lifted and my hearts burden be eased.

If life didn't have to move forward and your kids would stay the same age as when you lost your child, it would be so much easier. I watch Cyrus grow, what seems like everyday. He is taller than me now. He looks so grown up. I can't stop my mind from wondering what Loughlin would look like, how tall he would be, what he would be doing. I miss him so much. I miss his laugh, his smile, his shoes on my kitchen floor, his backpack in the doorway. I miss him wanting to go hunting every minute of every day. I missed him so much fishing on Saturday. He loved it so much. 17, he would be blessing the Sacrament, driving, dating. I watch his friends in church and it hurts my heart. Today I am struggling, struggling to catch my breath, struggling to see a silver lining in this life. The anxiety is overwhelming. God help me to see my blessings and recognize the love that surrounds me. Please help heal my broken heart.

Happy Birthday Son!

Today you would be 17 and it is so hard not to sit and wonder what you would be, what you would look like, what you would be doing...Every minute of each day I miss you. The hole you left in our lives will never be filled. It always seems like something is missing everywhere we go. We are going to the dam today to fish, something you loved to do. I hope Heavenly Father blesses us today that we might feel you near, feel your love......

17 years ago today.......

17 years ago today, Harlen and I were living and taking care of his Grandpa. While walking up the stairs my water broke, but my labor never started. Later in the afternoon the doctor asked us to come in and he would start me on the pit. It seems like yesterday. We were so excited for this new baby to come into our lives. We went to the hospital with both blue and pink because we wanted it to be a surprise. 8 hours of labor and a beautiful 8lb 10 oz baby boy came into this world. He would be born at 12:05 am the next day.

Tomorrow Loughlin will be 17. We miss him so much, my heart aches with every passing moment today.

Putting your faith in the right place.

In the last few months I have done some deep investigating into my soul and my psyche. I always thought I had strong faith, an unwavering testimony. I never thought that I put too much of that faith in the people around me but I did. After losing Rhiannon, I turned to my Savior for relief from the pain. I didn't have anyone else to turn to. I don't think I realized how much I laid at his feet. He gladly received my pain, my questions, my anger. In return I felt His love, His healing.

After losing Loughilin, I was so sad and angry. I felt complete responsibility for his death. I had been driving, I hadn't seen the truck, I had made Loughlin switch places with Cyrus. I was so hard on them. I was trying to be a good mom. I was trying to do what was asked of me. It seemed I always fell so short, on motherhood, housekeeping, being a good wife, book keeping, irrigating or being a student. Whatever I tried, I felt inadequate. If only I had been living more righteous this would have never happened. If only I had told him I loved him that morning or every morning. If I had taken him to get his permit or given him that 15th birthday party. I should have. I am rambling and my thoughts are amiss but I am trying to make a point. It wasn't just after his death but throughout my whole marriage, I never felt capable of much. I knew my every fault but I never could see what I did well. I still struggle with this concept. Because of this feeling of inadequacy, I put my faith in others, I stole my strength from others. Loughlin's death and the trials that followed took my sorrows and anger to new depths. I was angry mostly at God and how could I put my faith in someone that had taken so much. I tried to go to him but I was kicking and screaming and pounding on that door. I remember thinking ,"Ask and it shall be given you, knock and it shall be open", but the door not only felt closed but dead bolted. I never felt a molecule of the Spirit around me, maybe close after his death, I felt His arms around me but the more dark I became the less light was to be held. Not until I read, A Grief Observed, CS Lewis did I understand that happening. He said something close to who would open a door when a crazed lunatic is on the other side, yelling and screaming and cursing his name, kicking and punching anything that came close to them. I had to hit rock bottom, I had to become humble again. Now I knock and he answers, I cry out to him but with a sincere voice and he listens. He has changed my heart, has allowed me to love again, to empathize again, to see some good in my existence. I had to humble myself to know that I couldn't get through this without some help from doctors and counselors, It was a process. It is hard to admit such a thing but after trying some of the meds, I have realized I should have been on the medicine since I was a teenager. I had thought death an answer to my problems, not that I would have done that but I wished each day not to wake, or for something awful to happen to me, the pain, sadness, fear, anxiety so great that I couldn't see a way out. Today I have learned that only through my Savior can I make it, only through my obedience to his teachings will I find my way home again. That is where I am placing my faith. People are human and the fail sometimes, but Christ will never fail us.

The result in this, is a greater love for my husband and children and hope again. I feel so solemn in the promise of hope. It calms my aching heart, eases the fear and anxiety I wake up with. I still haven't found the right medicine but I have found some that help. I can see the light again. I can slow down my thoughts enough to solve some of my problems. I am a work in progress.

It isn't Fair but.......

Elaine Shaw Sorensen said,"Grace transcends mortal rules of justice. Life is not a mechanical scale of effort or suffering on one side balanced by the appropriate reward on the other. Life is a process of growth, where growth itself becomes the reward. I tired long ago of hearing promises of some future mortal reward equal to my suffering, as when well-meaning friends foresee financial security or loving companionship in a future whose happiness will outweigh the sadness of my past. The deceiving logic of such an idea implies that when life goes on, droning with problems, with no glory in sight, I am not yet worthy or perhaps have not yet suffered enough. That is unsettling, when all around, those apparently less righteous or less tried seem to be reaping the glorious gifts of this earth.
The fact is that trials are neither distributed equally nor sorted according to a subsequent and matching earthly or heavenly treasure. Problems are neither price nor penance for credit toward some misconceived idea of payment. Instead life itself, even eternal life, with growth, hope and peace promised by the Savior's Atonement, becomes its own reward, offering divine gifts of the Spirit. The proving question is not What will I gain or achieve but Who will I become?"

I found this quote yesterday in a book that I bought at Seagull. It struck me. Since Loughlin's death, I have had numerous people tell me that everyone suffers, everyone has trials, this is just another trial for me and I need to cope with it. I would look and see that seemingly everyone around me had all of their children and loved ones. They were smiling. Where would there trials be? The answer to my question was that not all trials are out for the world to see but I was sure in my mind that if a trial is great enough the world sees it. This is the first time that I have read that not everyone is equal, that your life won't miraculously turn into bliss overnight because you have suffered so. We are not as Job and everything will not be returned to us 10 fold. Sometimes you will struggle through life. Sometimes trials bring on new trials and new trials but one thing I have found is that it does no good to run or to bury your head in the sand, or to turn away from God. I was not swallowed by a great fish but by darkness nonetheless. I feel as though I have been spit out and now I understand what I must do and through my Savior's Love, He will make it possible for me to endure to the end and find joy once again.

10 months

Not one call in 10 months, except when you were forced. Is this how it is suppose to be?

Leprosy would be a gift, to be banished to my own island with ones who feel the same as me, would be a relief.

With Him

I want to write about so many things today. I want to blame my angst on someone. I want to vent and scream and pout and cry. I want someone to understand. I want to talk about dropping balls and saying sorry to others and a lot of things but I am just angry and sad and having so much self-pity. I want to strike out in this anger and hit whatever is closest, whatever I can reach, with as much energy as I have left, but then my soul is saying, haven't you been angry long enough, haven't you tried hard enough to help others understand, haven't you tried to carry this burden by yourself. Give it to the only One that can help, that can understand, realize you are nothing without Him and He is the only thing that matters, with Him everything is possible without Him, well you have tried that.

A few Quotes.....

"Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief."- C.S. Lewis

I read C.S Lewis' , A Grief Observed this last week and loved it, have started it again. I think it would be great reading for anyone that has lost someone close to them or would like to know what it feels like to lose someone you love.

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."- C.S. Lewis

"Talk to me about the truth of religion and I'll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don't understand."- C.S. Lewis

It is hard to have patience with people who say 'There is no death' or 'Death doesn't matter.' There is death. And whatever it is, matters. And whatever happens has consequences, and it and they are irrevocable and irreversible. You might as well say that birth doesn't matter."- C.S. Lewis

I was lost.......

Luke 15:3-7 (King James Version)
3And he spake this parable unto them, saying,
4What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it?
5And when he hath found it, he layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing.
6And when he cometh home, he calleth together his friends and neighbours, saying unto them, Rejoice with me; for I have found my sheep which was lost.
7I say unto you, that likewise joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repenteth, more than over ninety and nine just persons, which need no repentance.

One sinner that repenteth........Do you only rescue after repentance or see it in your heart to help as the sheep stands on a cliff overlooking the ocean with no other place to go?

Shout it from the Rooftops!

Doesn't it seem every time we turn on the TV there is some politician telling us that they are helping us....or a so called star telling us how great they are....or a new medicine that is going to change the world but then again if you have to tell me you are helping me or that you are wonderful or that you can cure me, you probably can't or you probably aren't. What is that old adage???? Actions speak louder than words, or get up off your knees and get busy...I could go on but I think you get the jest.

Luke 18:9-14
9And he spake this parable unto certain which trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and despised others:
10Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican.
11The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican.
12I fast twice in the week, I give tithes of all that I possess.
13And the publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, God be merciful to me a sinner.
14I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other: for every one that exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted.

"Lord Save Me"

When I was young I spent a lot of time at the swimming pool. I was remembering this morning that one of my favorite things to do was to walk around the pool on the edge of the gutter. I was always trying to make it around the whole pool without losing my balance. I was a great swimmer so if I did fall I could always get myself to the ledge and climb back out. I remember plenty of times people getting in the way of my goal and me finding a way to maneuver around them, yet sometimes they were the reason I lost my balance and fell in. In my life I have had wonderful people who have tried to help me get to the end of my journey, that knew I frequently lost my way and yet never judged, knew the obstacles that were placed before me, maybe never felt the same obstacles but were close enough to me to see my struggle but on the other hand I have had many who inadvertently or purposely blocked my way. Maybe if given the benefit of the doubt, they were trying to make it harder, to make me stronger. Yet sometimes it felt as if they were standing on the cement and thought it funny to give me a big push and now days I am not a great swimmer and do not love the water. As those that have pride in their own heart want to punish or make me stronger stand on the side of this pool, as I struggle to catch my breath and even as I doggy paddle my way to the ledge, use their foot to push me under, so that I cannot hold on any longer, so that I sink into the darkness once again. I am holding my breath hoping when I emerge, they have moved out of my way so that I can pull myself out or so that someone who actually wants to help me can stand in their place and reach their arm out like the Savior did to Peter, because I am crying out "Lord save me".

Understanding

I always tried to give others the benefit of the doubt but I am starting to believe that most have to touch a stove to know it's hot. I wanted to believe that to some degree someone might know that after losing two children a mom's anger might be hard to explain. That waking one morning after you missed your alarm to feed your two week old baby girl, to find her cold and lifeless, blood coming from her nose, to watch your mom work for what seemed a lifetime breathing air back in her lungs, knowing all of the time that she was gone , and somehow you made it through, that you found your way back from that abysmal place, some how you found a way to move on to find joy in your life, to love again, to enjoy your children, to think you got six more babies past the stage of wondering if they would live through the night only to be doing what you thought was best for them and keeping them off that horrible bus and driving them to school, not to see that truck, but now responsible for yet another cold lifeless child laying next to you, knowing you would never enjoy his graduation, his marriage, his mission, his first baby, never to feel his arms around me telling me he loves me ever again on this earth. Anger is a second emotion to cover up the massive sorrow that still lingers in my heart, the questioning, the self pity that I know that I am putting myself through but sometimes feel helpless to claw my way out of it. To have someone try to explain to me that I have to find what is important in life, all of those things marriages, missions, baby's blessings that I will never experience with my two children. Do you really think I don't know what is important? In some corner of your mind don't you know that I am trying with every cell in my body to swim in this mighty current? Sometimes I may go under and curse the name that has given me these waves but at other times I know this is as a trip to the dentist and it is painful but He loves me and wants me to make it through and that I love Him for keeping his arms around me even though I kick and scream and yell out in agony at the state of my being, my soul, my heart. Why can't you see it?

Doubt is a Trader

Still so deeply set in my grief, then the doubt sets in about God and heaven and everything that might somehow aid in my sorrow, and I am left with the emptiness. If I could ask for a gift it would be to have my faith back, the way it was before my life was turned inside out. Yet again, if we could ask I would ask for my two children back in my life then my faith would be intact. So much guilt, so much pain. Cy is now older than Loughlin when he died. I long to see my boy, yet I have a feeling he is no longer a boy but a man.

Missing and Traveling

Harlen and I just got home from dropping True off at football camp at BYU and leaving the rest of the kids at Nana's and Papa's for 4 days. It is incredible how quiet my house is. I miss them but it makes me miss Loughlin even more. He loved going to Utah. He had a great friend down in Mapleton. He would have loved to go to camp at BYU. The gnawing is almost unbearable. I feel so horrible still about the accident. I feel such a responsibility for his death. I know in my heart it was an accident but it is so hard not having him with us. Our family hardly did anything when we weren't together. There is always an empty chair, a voice missing, a piece of our heart that is gone, that can never be replaced.

Cherishing the days

This last week has been wonderful. Everything turned out as good as possible for us. I feel blessed. I even attended church with my family on Sunday. I still don't know what I believe but I am trying to find my way again. I know I love my husband and my kids more than anything in the world. I am thankful once again for the prayers in our behalf. Grateful.

Strength

I am praying for strength, for someone to step forward and help me get through this tangled web of confusion and roadblocks I have created for my family. I need a miracle this week. This family has been through so much. We just need some breathing time together so once again we can start a healing process.

Shoes and Flowers

I spent last week buying new shoes for all 5 kids. They are now ranging in sizes from a 12 in men's down to a 13 in kids. I hate to spend much on shoes for the summer. They never last until school starts and some how they always end up irrigating, out working in the garden, or herding cows. 5 pairs of shoes....... At the same time I was buying flowers for a grave, wishing I could buy one more pair of shoes. Asking God still, why? Because I can't get the question out of my mind, still not really dealing with reality that I will never see my boy again on this earth, Wishing, every time I leave my house that I will come home to his laugh, his smile, his shoes in the middle of my kitchen floor. Oh I miss him everyday, every hour and I don't know when that gnawing will ease or if it ever will. I am praying again, not sure if anyone is listening but I am trying.

The Suburban

I came across this picture by chance just yesterday. I was searching for another accident that had happened in our area and our suburban was the result. I have looked for this image many times without success. I never understood when I heard the phrase, you were lucky that only one was lost. I understand now how someone could say that. It has brought back the memories, the nightmares.

Rhiannon's Birthday

It feels just like yesterday I held you in my arms. I love and miss you so much. You were so beautiful. Your spirit made me want to be a better person. Your death made me realize, so young, how important every minute of life here on Earth is.

Can't breath. Throat aches from trying. Head is spinning. Having a hard time thinking. Heart is beating. Feel it in my neck, my head, my chest, my legs. Can't see any light at the end. How did we get here? Can they take them from us? Why? Why did all this happen? Who still believes I'm strong? I am not. Mother's Day alone. Rhiannon's birthday alone. Alone in my thoughts and yet muster enough strength for homework, for cooking, for cleaning. I must. I can't give up. It is too important. Oh God send me the strength, the Hope, the Faith I need to endure.

Rock Bottom

Never say it can't get any worse because it usually will. My family needs prayers more than ever. I have made mistakes that have sent our lives spiralling out of control. I am needing to find my will to fight, yet I am so tired, putting the dishes in the dishwasher is more than I want to attempt.

I am grateful for friends who stay by us through it all.

Day #9 Starting again.....

I know I have been absent for a while but life has once again got in the way.

Today I thought I would talk about how much Loughlin loved all the wild rides at lagoon, Disneyland and even the carnival. His life was anything but wild though. He was calm. He was loving. He loved nature and his family and friends. He loved to just take the day and enjoy the outdoors.

Since Loughlin left us here on Earth my life has felt like a really long ride on a roller coaster that I never bought tickets for. I want off. I would like to be a spectator at all of the other people riding this crazy ride we call life.

My dad was diagnosed with cancer last week. The coaster took a dive down below the loading ramp. We thought the surgery went well on Wednesday. I felt the slow ride back up to where I could breath again but yesterday the test results came back with not such great news. Only half way up and the roller caster headed down again, how far I don't know. Friday they will go back in and try again. I love my dad. He has always been there for me, never judged, only loved, wishing he could trade places with me, if not just for a while. He is so much like his mom and my Grandma that I miss so much. How I wish she was here to put her arms around me and my dad. I know she would make me smile again.

Miss you so much Loughlin and Rhiannon. If you have any pull up there at all, tell Him I need my dad here with me for a lot longer. He has taken enough great ones from this Earth for a while.

Day # 8

Countdown to our sale is at 3 days. It is the biggest day of the year for our family, a kind of make it or break it ordeal. Cy and True have been helping their dad wash bulls for the last few days. Which has got me thinking about how much Loughlin didn't like working with the cows. Once when Maya was very small, Loughlin had taken her with him on the 4-wheeler to help his dad get some bulls in. One of the bulls came at him and he told me he felt helpless to protect his little sister. Since that day the cattle made him jumpy. He tried so hard to help out but sometimes it would just get to be too much and he would throw his rope down and stomp back to the house. I remember smiling and knowing he was going to do something so much bigger. He was so smart and had it all together. It is so hard knowing that his life was cut down way to soon.

And on the 7th day......

We should rest, but their is no rest from this agony known as grief. It comes in waves. It comes in typhoons. It comes in so many forms but everyday it comes.

Today was a difficult one. I went to yell down to wake up the boys this morning and I felt my lips form the sound of Lough.....A year and 4 months later and yet the longing for him, to come up the stairs, wanting bacon for breakfast is overwhelming. It seems the heartache is worse than ever before. I miss him so much. I love the man he was becoming. I love the incredible teenager he was and I especially love all of the memories I have of him growing up.

On this day I want to talk about a special bond Loughlin had with another young man in our area. Another friend who has had his share of trials and ups and downs, and now who is also lost, not physically but into some corners of his mind. I am sure his mom misses him just like I miss Loughlin. His name is Brandon and he played an important part in the growth and learning of Loughlin. He taught Loughlin many lessons, patience, unconditional love and courage. Loughlin loved him so much. Tuesday his parents made a hard decision to place him in a new home. The night before he left we went to visit and the few words Brandon spoke to us were asking about Loughlin. What a gift for me and his siblings. Brandon I am sure you miss Lough, as we miss you.

Day #6

Loughlin L-O-V-E-D his mom's chocolate chip cookies. He would always sneak the dough and when I told him no more, I would always sneak some into the fridge for him for later. He would then devour the cookies, sometimes dipped in milk, sometimes running out the door.

I have only made my cookies once since the accident. It is so hard to make them knowing Loughlin won't be here to give me a big thumbs up and a hug. Miss you so much buddy.

Day #5

Loughlin loved scouts, even though his mom didn't. He had some pretty great leaders: Mark, Troy, Brett and especially his DAD! He loved to go almost everywhere and was so excited for the campouts, the food and was great at the air soft gun fights. He only had his Eagle Scout project to finish before he received his Eagle. They awarded us with "The Spirit of the Eagle' after Loughlin died because of his hard work and all that helped him get that far. Thank you to all the great men in his life who made this so much fun for my son.

Day #4

Games......

Loughlin loved to play games, any kind of games. He loved playing board games with his dad and his uncle Dion. It was always an all nighter with his brothers and cousins whenever Dion made the trip from Arizona for the Family Reunion. Loughlin also loved to make up outside games with his siblings, the problem was he was very good at changing his rules to benefit his abilities half way through the game. He was incredibly clever and had a way to make any rule he came up with seem reasonable. I miss his smiling but serious face, sitting at the table, always wanting to stay up just a few minutes longer to play that one more round..

Day #3

Last night Harlen and I went out for a much needed date. While eating dinner I spotted a Ty Monkey on the shelf. I had to bring it home it reminded me of how much Loughlin loved Lea. A special bond was formed between those two on the day she was born. They were so much a like. He always said that the hospital must have switched Lea's brain with a monkeys before we brought her home. He was forever hanging her upside down and she would squeal with delight. Lea always talks about her brother. She misses him so much. He had so much patience with her and that was not like Loughlin to have so much patience.

Day #2

No particular order or importance.

Loughlin loved to hunt pheasants and many times after school and on the weekends he would take off with his dog, Little Anne, and go hunting. He loved to be outside by himself. He loved when he got one but the important thing to him was going. He loved hunting with his dad or cousin Nick, when bull buyers showed up to hunt, he was always willing to show them the hot spots as long as he could tag along. I never cooked one for him. I hate game but I sure wish I would have found a good way to prepare it just for him. Love you my great young man.......

On my knees......

One year and 3 months after and yet today the sadness brought me to my knees. I visited his grave today. The anger and bitterness made me physically sick, so much so I had a hard time making it back to the car. I miss him with every molecule of my being. He was so intertwined in my life that I have a hard time knowing how to move on without him.

In the last month I have made some really bad decisions. Decisions that might change my entire life, my family and my future. I have been plagued by trials that happened after the death of my son that have affected my mind in ways I could not even begin to explain. I am trying to come to terms with my wrong choices and with the consequences of not finding help when I so needed it.

So today I have decided to make my blog into a remembrance of my son's life. For as long as I can, I am going to write each day about something Loughlin loved. I am hoping to make it 365 days with a new memory each day. I would love to share my son with you..........

Loughlin's favorite food was Cattle Drive Chili. He would have ate it everyday if his mom would have let him. He found new ways to enjoy this staple from hot dogs to chili burgers. It was even more appealing to him because he could make it on his own and he did every time I cooked something he wouldn't eat, which was quite often. Loughlin was a very picky eater. The cans sit on my shelf so much longer without him here.....

Birthdays

It has been so long since I have felt like being on this blog. So many judge when I write my true feelings, but this blog is my outlet. It is here to help me heal, help me get through my feelings. You can follow along this journey with me, but your judgement is not welcomed. You have not walked in my shoes. You have never felt my heart, my breathlessness, my anxiety.

Tomorrow is my 4oth birthday. I have had a very hard time dealing with this. It is not a vanity thing. I am sure I will look the same tomorrow as I do today; it is the amount of time I have spent wondering how, at forty, I arrived in this place in my life. I am trying to find my way through this fog of heartache, of unbelief, of lovelessness. At forty you should know what you want, you should know where you are going, but all I know is where I have been. I am bitter. I am sad. I am tired. I feel as if I am 90. I wish I were. I wish I was done with this existence and yet I want so much more.....

My only wish for this day, I can not have, that there be no empty chairs in my house. I don't want jewelry or flowers or even clothes and shoes. I want that feeling back, that feeling that everything is ok, that you will wake up in the morning with a full heart and be grateful. I want to feel empathy again for others who are suffering but I cannot, the bitterness has taken over. I am fighting off the selfishness but it is so easy to just believe, after all I have been through I deserve a little bit of happiness in my life. I deserve to be happy!!!! I just don't know how to get it.

A Winter Morning

Sleep eludes me. I am always aware. I hear everything. I never stop my thoughts. Time to get up, Harlen has left with Giles earlier for a bull haul. The other 4 need to get up get moving, but the bed, so warm, so safe, so quiet. Alone, alone in my thoughts until the 'Why' hits again, or how my life eroded to this?
Now the bed is not as inviting, the quiet is suffocating. Up and ready as we head down that road, not once but twice because True forgot something too important to leave behind. It is like an invisible barrier, a reminder of what I have done, what I have done to them, how I have changed their life. I can never change it back. It will never be the same.
Wait who is in front of us? The air is pressed from my lungs, the jealousy, the remorse, the longing. That is right, he would be driving now. He would be taking the kids to school. I would be home in my soft bed. It is his best friend and look there passes another one, all driving, all dating, all having their hearts touched or broke for the first time, but not him. He will never have any of those things. He is gone and we are just left with pictures and worn out shoes, under our laundry sinks, that we still can't put away, but he is not coming home, not today, not ever. Why am I here again. Once was enough, twice is not working. I am not enduring. I am crumbling. I am slowly dying. The pain is excruciating. Can a heart really survive this?

And yet as you pass me, there is a smile, a post about an 'A' on an essay. All of these things are empty, they mean nothing. Lea she hugs me, trying to say mom I am here, I love you. Somehow we will make it, but will we? The walls are so thick, so tall, will they ever come down? Leave me alone, but don't leave me. Call, I won't answer but I know you tried. I want to run but there is no place that will take me, so I just stay and watch as if I am a spectator, seeing, touching, hearing, tasting but it is just there, nothing impresses but I am a good pretender, actress. If you don't look to close, you will never know the difference.........

Thanksgiving

Another holiday has come and gone. We went to friends this year. I believe it is the first time in my life I did not spend Thanksgiving with family. It was a good change for our family and we are grateful for the friends who asked us to spend Thanksgiving with their family.

After a nice dinner we did the Harmer tradition of a movie while you are so full you cannot move. We went and watched Blind Side. Fairly good movie in fact I can see myself calling the coach on the phone during the game asking why he isn't running up True's hole.... But on the darker side Sandra Bullock said something that bothered me at the end of the show. She said she needed to thank God that her son was not killed in all the times he could have been. I turned to my loving but slowly tiring of me husband and asked, "whom do I thank?" Thought I would throw the question out to all those reading. I don't want to hear about all the blessings I have left but I want to know who all these mothers who have lost children and in my case two, thank for this hell on Earth..........

Deals with God

Does anyone believe that you can make deals with God? For example, If I quit being the terrible, misbehaving young woman and turn my life around and follow you, will you in turn never make me go through the pain of losing a child again.

Tonight at True's priesthood preview, yes I attended, a story was given of a mom who kept making promises to God if God would keep his side of the bargain in return she would get this or that and he would get baptisms and missions and such. Do you believe there are times, God is in the, "Let's Make a Deal" kind of mood. And how do you know if he really wants to make that deal, and you're not just left holding your end of the bargain in your hands, life in shambles, wondering where you went wrong? I am being a little sarcastic here but just wondering and putting out feelers, looking for maybe people I can cling to that might have a greater Karma than me.

Past the year

October 27th was the anniversary of Loughlin's death. We ran away to Florida for the week with the kids and kept every one's mind away from it except mine because all I could think is that I promised to take him there when he turned 16. Every place we went just reminded me that he would have loved it there or if only there were an even number no one would have to go alone. It was so hard! I put on my happiest face though for my family, for my kids.

Oh how I wish I could turn back the clock and do that day all over. I would look and see that truck. I have gave up on church for the time being. I don't believe and it is hard to pretend that I do anymore. Isn't there somewhere I can run that this won't follow me?

Each Day a New Journey

Today I had a few hours of happiness, in face probably close to 4 . It is something that is a long time coming. I have felt moments of joy when I look at my other children or when they do something spectacular but those times are so short and then the sadness returns and I am left with the guilt and loneliness of missing my son and my daughter who in a fair world would be here to share in our triumphs, our happiness, our accomplishments, but this life is not fair. It is to be endured and hopefully in the end there will be something else.

I was so tired tonight I went to bed early, fell to sleep quickly only to be awaken with the cries of Lea at midnight. I think I am up now for the duration. I should read, walk, run but I feel like just being.

Shoes, Memories and Changes

First I want to say I am sorry about the funk I was in last week and I created this blog to show my true feelings, not what people think I should be feeling but what I am really feeling. I am no longer afraid of what others may think about my journey, it is my journey. Everyone will travel a different way for a different purpose in different vehicles but I hope we end up some day together. I am leaving this blog open.

Last week at my college someone I am sure with good intentions, thought it was a good idea to place pictures and shoes along the side walk to remember victims killed in drunk driving accidents. The problem is that moms like me that have lost children in horrible, graphic car accidents, look at those shoes as they look at their own son's shoes, that Loughlin should be still in them, doing those things 16 year old boys do but now they are just shoes sitting under my laundry sink in the same place they have sat for almost a year, empty, with no one to fill them. This little incident seemed to be the straw with the camel. I am now barely able to breath, barely able to get myself out of my bed in the mornings, to put that face on that my community has grown accustom to and go about my day as if everything is going well. I really can't remember a time when I have felt so much pain, not even right after losing him. I can see no happiness in the future. We have a huge family trip planned for the week of the accident. I am counting down the days to get away from this place.

The added cruelness of this month is that Cyrus is a Freshman. He is doing and going everywhere Loughlin went the last few weeks of his life, the same FFA trips, football games, same homework. It is a reminder of the things we could have done together, the precious memories I missed or can't recall. It is just agony. Is he feeling it too?

I am really questioning everything in my life right now, especially religion and would just like some space, freedom to find my own way, a way that is going to work for me, a way that will help me cope, and not make me feel unwanted guilt for things I say, or do. I am just working on surviving. That seems so selfish but I feel each day gets worse for me to handle and I only can do my children and me right now. That is it for now.

The sophomore class paying tribute to Loughlin's memory

Friday was a hard day but it was nice to see how many of Loughlin's came to the football game to pay tribute to his memory. I thought being there would be really hard but it was actually the best part of the day. We also took the family to eat at Red Lobster, Loughlin's favorite. When Loughlin was baptized, in his spotlight they asked where their favorite place to eat was, Loughlin said Red Lobster. We had only gone there maybe once or twice in his life so it was quite funny and you could hear a chuckle from the congregation because the other kids who were baptized at the time said places like McDonald's or Burger King. Anyway the day went better than I had expected.

I miss my son with every breath I take. Happy 16th Birthday my fine young man. I love you.........

Happy Birthday Loughlin

I just wanted to take a few minutes to say Happy Birthday Lough! We miss you so very much and think about you every minute of the day.

3 hours...

I saw a new therapist yesterday and what a change. I felt comfortable. She never made me once feel that what I was feeling was out of bounds or wrong. She let me talk and taught me ways to deal with the unbelievable anxiety that I have been dealing with everyday. I had 3 hours this morning that I almost felt normal, even though I still don't remember feeling normal.
Then life happened, phone calls, thinking, dreaming and it was gone but I am hopeful that I can have those feelings more often. I loved smiling again, a real smile. I am going to get through this, might not be the way some want me to get through it but it will be my way because no one has any idea what I am feeling or going through each day.
Loughlin's birthday is Friday. It will be good because that is what I have control over and I can make it good, memorable, peaceful, at least as good as it possibly can be. Tap Tap...........

Does Time Heal?

8 days more...and Loughlin would be 16. the depression has hit so hard for me. I feel a lot like a zombie, going about my day doing the things I have said I would, the things that need to get done but my mind is wandering all of the time.
I have lost the desire to even communicate with the counselor that seemed to be helping but now it is a war between Harlen and I. She takes his side. He asks for so much from me and she asks if I am willing to do it. I never ask for anything, it is not why I am there. If he wants me to work harder on getting the house clean, why not? but then when I get it cleaned because we have friends coming over, he complains I am doing it just because friends are coming over. Yet I didn't get our room finished it is still a mess so will I be willing to work on that........sure why not I feel like leaping tall buildings in a single bound. I am superwoman. I took on a calling in a church I don't believe in because I don't say no. My counselor thinks I am nuts, which I am sure there is truth to that, for being upset because I lost a friend this week when her husband killed her. (Just walk by like nothing happened.) She was a kindergarten teacher in our school, lived near us and we had so many good talks together. I will miss her and I think it should effect the way I feel. I am going running now. I have grown to love it. My knees are bothering me the last few days but today I am running, in the hope that I could really run, run away from all of this, from these feelings, from the darkness, from the guilt, from this life.

September

I don't know how a mom gets through the first birthday without your kids here. It is just September 1st and I cannot breath. I keep thinking in 17 days Loughlin would have been on his first date, had a licence, and a huge party at our house celebrating the big day. Now I sit and wonder what we could do to celebrate his life that wouldn't hurt my heart too much but honor him as a great young man. I miss him. Picture day today, a year ago they took the last picture I have of my young man. I could barely feel out the papers for Cy and True today.

We missed football sign ups I guess(don't really know when they actually were) but now True might not be able to play football in Nyssa this year. I will drive him as far as I have to to get him to play though. It is one of my greatest joys to watch him exceed.

Maya on the other hand was, in a round about way, told she was too out of shape to play on the team she has been playing on for two years. Kind of a blow for a while but truly who likes soccer anyway. We start hip hop dancing with Maya and Lea next week. She will love it so much more but miss her friends.

Cyrus decided against football this year his legs are still bothering him. He has a very full load of classes as a Freshman though and will stay very busy.

Harlen is so busy harvesting and I am left alone most of the time in this lonely house. I miss my little Lea keeping me hopping.

How long must this darkness persist?
I search for my soul, it doesn't exist.
I am exhausted , alone,
No one is at home.
For the first time , I believe I won't make it ,
They think I am strong but I fake it,
That I can handle all that has come to bear.
I look at that road, no I stare.
The image ,it always is there,
Really could this all be fair?
If there's a God I don't feel it.
Support sometimes I just steal it.
From anyone willing to give,
and all this just so I live,
this life that is not my own,
I wish my heart was made out of stone......

First Day of School

Today was the first day of school here in Nyssa. Sometimes survival is all you ask for. We survived. I am home alone now with so much time to think. I am still struggling with God. I am still struggling in this life that is my new existence. I can't say things are better because I don't believe they are. I don't see an end to the darkness. I have a hard time even looking towards the future. Everyday I try my best to raise my remaining kids here on Earth. I try to make their lives as close to what they should be, but it is so difficult. I am so tired.

On the upside the walking has helped me. I am sleeping better at night and I have lost 20#'s. I love to get away and just have the hour by myself. I am hoping things look up soon. Loughlin's birthday is September 18th. He would have been 16, now he never will be, no first drive, first date, no 16. What a rip!

Parents say the darndest things.....

Funny how weeks go by without anyone saying stupid, hurtful comments to you and all in a span of a week, the comments are overflowing. Yesterday my dad, as the whole family sat around the living room, thought he would throw out this, " Your kids are gone before you can blink your eye". It sat there in the air as everyone looked at me for a response. I said I am so glad you reminded me of that dad, you are so helpful. I think I am overly sensitive but also just tired of the BS that those whom are suppose to love you most hurt you most. I have been in Utah for 5 days and want so bad to go, not necessarily home but just to run. I started walking a couple of weeks ago and now I walk an hour morning and night with a little jogging in between. Now my late nights are 2am instead of 4. Maybe when I get to a point where I am full out running I will sleep but I am not holding my breath. I need a real vacation, hotel, room service, massages, not coming out of the room for anything. I am so tired. Missing Loughlin so much. Reunions are so hard and I don't know why I insist on going it would be a lot easier just to stay home.

Implied

Today when I was coming out of the grocery store, Loughlin's old basketball coach was there to greet us. He acted like he had had a few and was very talkative. We spoke with him for quite a while before he implied that I had killed Loughlin...... Funny how people speak without inhibition when they have a few drinks in them. Just got me wondering, who as I go about trying to live this life, look at me and think I killed my son. But who would blame them, I guess I did. I am feeling those destructive feelings again, trying to find my way out but each time I am here it gets harder to want to come back.

Any ideas on how I could get to sleep at night without a prescription? It is starting to take a toll........

Empty

One Empty red and white chair,
Loneliness and Despair
Everything comes in two's
from chairs to shoes
but when we sit together as one
the strings that bind have come undone
one empty chair, one empty seat
now he is gone we're not complete
So sad am I, so lonely, so blue
I want to run somewhere that's new
where no one knows the pain I feel
Where life is different, somewhat surreal.
But shadows follow wherever I go
unless in darkness, a place I know
So I will sit in this red and white chair
in this time of trouble, my burden to bear
until that day when his seat is filled
and our life together, again we'll build.

I am so sad today. I really cannot get myself motivated to do all of the things I need to get done. I just got home from running an errand for Harlen. The hired man was parked at the bottom of the hill in the exact same place that I hit the truck 9 months ago but I saw his pickup. Why didn't I see that truck? Life sucks without Loughlin here. Fair is as horrible as I hoped it wouldn't be. Oh how I wish he was here................

Monday the 27th

I guess I never thought about how many Monday the 27th's there could be in one year. Today is 9 months without my dear sweet boy. This is so hard. Baseball, Fishing and Fair all without him. How will we ever make it through?

Sometimes I don't even have the courage and energy to want to make it. We are not ready for fair. The steers aren't clipped. True's steer is so mean and I can't even get out of the house to go and look for all of the supplies we will need. I wish we would have taken a pass on the steers this year, the fair. I haven't collected funds to buy the steers and the sale might be a complete wreck. Then it will be all for not but that is half my life.........

So Long since Posting

I really haven't a good excuse as to why I haven't posted for such a long time. I think part of me as ignored the blog, ignored the raw feelings that accompany my writings, actually ignored the hurt, the missing, the nausea, the longing all that come from writing on this blog. I have been better about being able to push the scenes of the accident from my mind faster when they intrude, infest at the worst times. And yet I feel guilty for not thinking of Loughlin continuously, for finding joy in life or getting myself busy so that the grief is not all encompassing.

Last night our ward celebrated the 24th of July, a holiday set aside for the appreciation we have of our ancestors that crossed across the plains and settle in the Salt Lake Valley and establish the church my family belongs to. My new calling keeps me busy during the party but as people left and the building grew empty my thoughts drifted back to better times, times when life was so simple and yet I did not realize how blessed my life was. Harlen had left earlier and as I walked outside to 4 of my children waiting for me, the longing hit me like a wave at Big Surf. I couldn't breath. I still don't understand anything positive that could come from my loss.I still struggle with my testimony everyday. I still find it difficult to pray to my Father in Heaven and now I feel guilty for not thinking of Loughlin all of the time. But I got to a point that I could not even do the smallest of chores without being distracted. In two weeks my sleep time never surpassed 4 hrs a night and my physical body started to feel the repercussions. I couldn't take care of my family and my relationship with others was suffering.

I have already received blessings from my new calling. I have realized how important the parable of the lost sheep is. I never could understand why we should leave so many to save one. I understand now, the worth of one soul is great...............

Almost Fair Time

I have been putting off doing the 4H records for the steers this year. They are due on Friday and today I finally decided just to try and find them. I didn't remember putting them away last year and actually hoped they were somewhere in the house. I knew while looking for them I would find so many priceless memories of Loughlin and I just didn't know if I was strong enough to handle the mounting emotions connected to those things. I was right. I found pictures, report cards, his certificate when he received the priesthood and so many other memories. I am overwhelmed with emotion. I miss him so very much. I found a school picture that had the patriotic theme with it. It reminded me of the love Loughlin had for this country and how one day he would have liked to serve our country. He was never awarded that chance.
After a short while I found the records, with Loughlin's on top. I always have disliked doing this task, felt it stupid busy work, but oh how this year I wish I could help Loughlin feel out all of his papers, watch him get so nervous breaking his steer, watch him even more nervous showing him but always performing at his best, trying his hardest at something he never did enjoy.
Fair is going to be so hard. I wish on one hand we would have decided not to go. It is a very exhausting and a very long week, add missing my son every single minute and I wonder really how we will get through. Another first, another event that we must endure, another chance to wear that face I hang on the coat rack by my door, another chance to make new memories and another month that old memories fade and smells, sounds and smiles are hard to recall.

Wow, can I really do this?

The Last May Reunion when life was simple!

Today at church I was put in the Relief Society Presidency. I really can't believe it. I have never thought I was up to a calling like that. I had a feeling it was coming but ignored it. The feeling was strong, but I thought, what are you thinking? They would never put you there. I wanted a chance to give service, ready or not here it comes. I am hoping for the prayers of friends and family. I know I will need them to to this job to the best of my ability. I hope for a calm in this existence. My blessing said today that God is pleased with me. How could he be? and yet I hope it is true.

Harlen's reunion was all last week. It was so hard being with family in a familiar place without my sweet son. There were times when I could barely breath and other times I actually found joy watching my other kids make a new reality in their lives. I am not ready for that yet. I am still holding on to the memory of what things could have been. I am hoping the pain eases soon. I am praying to my Father in Heaven again. I always have had that prayer in my heart, hoping, loving but I now pray on my knees every night. I pray that this family of mine will stay strong and healthy and that we will make it back to be with Loughlin again. I hope it is all true. the investment is to big to give up now. 3 days with Harlen's family was exhausting, when I arrived home the Bishopric was there to greet me. Quite a weekend!

Another First Completed

Well tonight we finished the baseball season. All three of my kids had fun and learned so much from some pretty incredible coaches. True, Maya and Giles spent almost every night of June on the baseball field either practicing or playing games. I, myself have to admit I am glad we are done. It was difficult for me especially in the beginning. I missed Loughlin with every game, every pitch, every hit and each sunflower seed spit. He was my baseball player. He loved it. He was so excited for High School baseball this year to start. It would have been so much fun to watch him play again. I miss him but I am trying to find joy through watching these younger ones play. Friends showed tonight to watch Giles play. I love being around people ,who, you really know care.

Mondays are always so difficult for our family. It is the beginning of yet another week. It seems by Wednesday we are half way through and the end of the week is in sight. We can make it then. On Monday the end seems so far away and it is hard to imagine that "Sunday will Come" but it comes just like some day the important "Sunday will come". I am waiting for my Lord to return. I need him.

We tried to go to the movie tonight but by Parma all of the kids were arguing, we turned around to come home. then the crying really set in. I hope it was a cry that was a long time coming. I know sometimes my kids just need a reason to open the spickets and coming home sure gave them a good excuse tonight. The pain is still so raw in each of their eyes. It is so hard to wonder if we are going to be good enough parents to help them reach the right destination in life. It is hard to know whether we are doing them right. I hope we are. Tonight I am going to pray again, really pray on my knees. It will be the first time in months since I have dared to really pray to my Heavenly Father. I am frightened. I have questioned for so long but I miss the comfort it awards me. I miss the spirit. I miss his love. I need to start ridding myself of this anger, this guilt, this overwhelming sorrow. I am hoping just for a little relief, for His love to encircle me.

Disservice

My family tree.

Today I have decided to make a concerted effort to change the direction of these posts. I have read back at some of my writings and been consumed with the feeling that Loughlin's life was such a guidance in so many other people's lives that I am certainly doing a disservice to his memory by feeling down and angry most of the time. He was an incredible young man. He thought of others all of the time. He had a huge heart. He was super smart and was willing to help his dad or me most of the time with little prodding. His death brought our little community together in so many ways. Our loss, I believe, made others reflect on their own lives. It made others hug their children tighter, love them more, take more time to be with them. The service in our little community for our family was abundant. In a lifetime I could never repay the debt. Friends, Family and others who barely knew us , or didn't know us at all, opened their heart, gave freely, used their hands and minds all to benefit us. All in a memoriam of Loughlin's short but thoughtful life. He is looking down on me and my family today, hoping we make it through this, and helping anyway he can to ease our burdens. I just miss him so very much. I know what I need to do and I hope I have the conviction to stay on the right track. I must look outward and stop looking inward and pitying myself. Service is my way out of this slump so that I may Return with the same Honor that Loughlin did. These last 8 months have flown by. It won't be long until I am with Loughlin and Rhiannon again. I am trying to get past the guilt I feel. Guilt is a darkness that is hard to free yourself from. I pray this world keeps spinning quickly and one day I am sure I will catch up.

I love you Loughlin and I hope I can make my life something you will be proud of.

Father's Day belated

I just wanted to write a little about a really great man I met about 21 years a go. Harlen is the best thing that ever happened to me. He has been a wonderful husband and father for almost 18 years. I love him more than life itself. He is an incredible dad. He makes any of the kids' games or practices that he is physically able to do. He has never made himself first. He makes me so very happy. My kids love him.

After Loughlin died we went to get his school stuff out of his locker, his backpack, books, etc... In his backpack we found this handout that he had filled out about his future. There were lots of questions like: what do you want to be, where do you want to go to college, where do yo want to live and so on but the most important question was Who do you look up to or admire. Loughlin answered Abraham Lincoln, Mitt Romney and my dad. What 15 year old boy has that much respect for his father? Loughlin loved Harlen so much. Another question he answered was, what makes you happy? He answered making my parents proud. Well he did that his whole life. I couldn't have asked for a greater son. I miss him so much. This day was so hard. I kept thinking that I took Harlen's best buddy away from him. I know I say this plenty but I am so sorry things turned out the way they did. I would do anything to change this life that we are living now. I would have done anything to have my son join us in this celebration of his dad. I wish I could change things. I hope this pain eases soon. I feel like my heart is broken in half.

Harlen I love you!

Outings: Father and Son Minus One

Today Harlen took the boys up to the church camp for the annual Father Son. He is brave and strong, I know I could never do it. Just thinking about visiting that place with so many memories breaks my heart. Oh how I wish I had the belief and testimony I use to have. How I wish I could wade through this Ocean of Blues. How I wish I could just have one day that the sorrow would ease and joy would fill our house again.

Someone once told me losing Loughlin is like sending a son on a mission. I just want to say I am waiting for that first P-Day letter. It has been almost 8 months and nothing............. If they only knew the pain!

Forgiveness

I have been trying to do some soul searching.......

I am usually a fairly forgiving person. I look back on the times when I have kept a grudge and for the most part it has been when someone has hurt one of my children. When things are said or done that I could see the pain in my child's eye, I have seemed to have held on to that anger for a while. In the end I have gotten over it and forgiven, forgotten. The problem is , this time it is me I have to forgive. It is me that I am so angry with. It is me that caused all of this. It is me that just did not see that truck. It is me.

Aren't we harder always on ourselves? When we hear our own voice on a recording, don't we say, oh my I sound like a dork. When we look in the mirror we are never what we want to be, to thin, to fat, to gray, to flat, to much... When we judge ourselves as mothers don't we say, I wish I had done that differently or said that better or been nicer or taught more or loved more .... Well how does one live with the knowledge that you are responsible for your own son's death, that you, not anyone else, you caused this accident. The look you see in you other children's eyes, the pain, the sorrow, the grief is all because of you. The guilt is overwhelming, the anxiety that you will screw up again encompasses almost all of your thoughts. When I raise my voice or correct bad behavior, I question whether I am right. What if I never see them again, like Loughlin. How can you be a good parent if you are always worried about not living up to what you could have been, when you see all of your shortfalls with the raising of Lough? I look around at my dirty house and weedy yard and know that right now I am failing again. I want to be so much more but I cannot see my way through this fog. It is all I think about, even in happy moments, the memory of the crash comes barreling through reminding me of what I have done.

Tomorrow is another birthday without Loughlin to share it. True turns 11. The world is still moving. I want it to stop, just for a while and let me catch up. It still feels like October. Where did the days go? Where did my life go?How can he be gone?

Taking a time out for a while

I want to be numb. I am tired of it all and wanting to time out. No church, no work, just kids and husband, I am tired of thinking, tired of hurting just all together tired. I don't want any advice, no pep talks, no it is God's plan. Because if it is it sucks! Guilt is overwhelming, so much so the bitterness has made a new way in to my heart. Bitterness is easier than sorrow though and I am all for easy right now..............

Graduations and Graduations

It has been so long since I have posted that I feel a little guilty. I didn't have much to report. Each day seemed to be the same, Sadness, Crying, Heartache. I felt like I was just beginning this new journey all over again without my sweet man with me. I miss Loughlin so much right now that everyday seems like an eternity and each night is a sleepless one. School is out for all of the kids and I am hoping things will slow down and the sorrow will subside. Change is not a grieving parents friend. Change means a new season and for the first time in 15 years you will be spending it without your child in your life, first birthdays, first swims, first fishing trips, etc, etc.... It is so hard. It is the hardest thing I have ever been through. It feels like you have a constant lump in your throat, that there is never enough air to breath and that someone is constantly sitting on your chest. It is heavy, hard to walk, hard to talk, and certainly hard to smile. Oh there are small moments in time when grief leaves and you feel semi-normal but those times are fleeting and quick and as of late leave me even more sorrowful than before.

Cyrus graduated from the 8th grade on Thursday. It was great and I, so proud of my son. He is really a great student, as was Loughlin. He was awarded the Presidential Academic Award for keeping his GPA above 3.5 for the three years of middle school, as did Lough last year. He was 1 of only 4 boys in the school to accomplish this. He had to work through a living hell to make it, the accident, losing his brother and best friend, breaking both legs horribly, and missing 2 months of school. I love him so much and wish I could take away the pain I see in his eyes every day away. It was such a bittersweet moment. Loughlin and Cyrus are only one year apart in school, so each time Cyrus does something it seems to let open the flood gates because it seems just a moment in time since we were living this life with Loughlin. Hard does not describe the feelings that are here right now and yet I have to try and work through it and show my gratitude, love and pride for Cyrus.

Lea graduated from preschool this year and now is off to kindergarten. She is my youngest and I will be home by myself in 3 months. She talks of her favorite brother Lough all of the time, every once in a while reminding her mom that I yelled at him at times. It hurts to know I could have been so much better than I was, a better mom and friend to that great young man. I am so sorry. They had a bond that will never be broken. Lea finds special ways of showing her anger with everything that has happened. In the last week she has wrote on one set of my sheets with markers, then the next set of sheets with red lipstick, then cut about 25 holes in my down comforter (you can imagine the feathers everywhere) and last but not least cut a hole in a brand new dress, she did not like and did not want to wear. (We usually keep the scissors far from her but the kids had just brought home their school supplies, she jumped at the opportunity.) She now has a chart and is working off the damage in small increments. She is quite a turkey and when I asked her why she would do something like that, she replied,"I didn't think I would get in that much trouble." She did!

True finally got that hit we had been waiting for in baseball. We missed it becasue we wer at Cy's graduation. 3 activities in one night hard to make them all. He hit it over the Center field man's head, pretty impressive for a boy who just 2 weeks before had been humiliated into hitting off of a tee. Great job True, your strength amazes me!

Maya and Giles are playing ball and loving every minute of it, they are happy school is out and am glad mom finally got them a pool this year. They are out their everyday but Sunday, and on Sunday they still ask, then answer the question themselves, I know it is the Sabbath.

I skipped church yesterday, just needed a break and my back has been giving me problems in the last week. It was wonderful but I do miss the
Sacrament. Harlen is doing well and I am so grateful to have him back. I hope the next 6 months are easier than the last. I hope Loughlin's headstone gets here soon. I hate visiting an empty grave. Oh how I wish I could just hold him one last time. It is so lonely without him.

Hoping for a different life but know I am stuck in mine.

Giles didn't want to go to school today and had an anxiety attack on the way to his class. I should have just kept him but something inside me told me to get him in the door. I worried frantically most of the day, called the school 2 times to check on him but all was well. It was the first grade carnival and he did not want to participate. He doesn't like to be in front of groups of people and Memorial Day was quite trying on his little spirit. He was a trooper and made it through. I will post his video tomorrow, my little Elephant trainer.

Maya stayed with mom and dad all day because she missed passing the state test by one point and was not allowed to go to the YMCA as a reward. Her teacher went though, even though half her class did not pass the test. Why is a failing teacher allowed to go but not her students?(I just like to ask punitive questions) Really it was no big deal and Maya handled it very well, no tears, but the dollar store helped. I never really thought about how it feels to be left home until I had one left out. My eyes are so much wider than they use to be. My kids are so much stronger than me.

True went from playing one inning in left field to playing first base and batting 4th. (Homeruns in practice just not in the game yet!)It is truly amazing what a good coach can do for a boys attitude. Thank you, Kevin, Sam, Adam and Chris for making our summer so much more enjoyable.