Perspective on Death

I attended a funeral last week of my husband's friend from school. He was 45. I have a hard time attending funerals of anyone that has died before their time, my time, my perspective on how long someone should live. I was amazed at the only ones in his large family that had died before him were his grandma and grandpa. Wow. My mom's dad died before I was born and even her step dad when I was a baby. My grandpa died when I was primary age, my dad's dad. My cousin died when I was 18, she was almost 18.

Rhiannon died just a few months later, I was still 18. Harlen's grandma died when he was in high school. His uncle when we were at college. He lost his brother at 33 of a bee sting, Harlen was just 27.

His dad died 3 years later.

My grandma died on the weekend we blessed Maya.

                                       Then in 2008 we lost Loughlin.


Sometimes I judge harshly those around me that say little platitudes on losing my children, but seriously maybe they really have never felt the sting of death. Maybe losing their grandma or grandpa at 90 is the only thing they know. Maybe they really are ignorant. Maybe sympathy is so far from empathy that they are unable to feel this pain. And the biggest maybe isn't a maybe any longer.....This life is not fair. some are given a walk on the yellow brick road while others are asked to  scale Mount Everest.

 Some day we'll know why......But until then I will just ignore stupid things said by ignorant people that have no idea of how losing a child would feel.

The 7 rolls of undeveloped film.

3 days before the anniversary of Loughlin's death, Harlen brought home 7 rolls of undeveloped film he had found tucked away in a box in the food room. 

Every picture is a precious gift,a new memory, a new image for my mind, another proof that we were happy. We were so happy. 

No we weren't perfect but it felt perfect. Our kids were so content. We had so much fun together all of the time. We did everything as a family. 

I cherished every moment, and yet still 5 years later all I can think is why? 

Why couldn't I have just seen that truck? Why did I  have to be so busy that I was blinded by the rush and forgot what was really important. I would give anything to have him back, 

Why didn't God take my worthless soul and leave one so pure on this Earth? 

Harlen could have easily found a replacement for this sorry excuse of a wife and mom, but you will never replace one like Lough..... 

Oh my soul aches to see you, to hold you, to hear your voice. 

I love you so much.