BaHumbug

I am having a hard time with the Christmas Card thingy this year. I don't want to send them. I hate having to think about whether to include Loughlin & Rhiannon in the photos, the letter. I hate pretending like "It's a wonderful life". I have no angel and the world probably would have been just fine without me in it. I struggle through the letters I get. Can people's lives really be so rosy? I know what you all are saying........That I am still bitter, well I am. That I seem down, well I am. That I seem tired of this life, well I am. That I am missing Loughlin more today than yesterday and more that day than the day before. I was told this would get easier, it isn't. I dream about waking up and seeing Rhiannnon laying next to me cold more today that I did 10 years ago. And as the days go on Loughlin is on my mind constantly, as I drive by his headstone, or down our hill, or by Nyssa High School which is daily or more than daily, and I am consumed with guilt and anger and just this unbelievable sense of loneliness. Don't tell me that there is love all around me, it will never feel the void left by these great spirits that touched my life for such a short time. After I lost Rhiannnon, I had a very horrible out look on life. I never expected much for I had never been given much to look forward to. It's not always a bad thing not to have hope. If it isn't there you are rarely disappointed but one morning in September this new, wow came into my life. He restored my hope in this world. Do you understand that he was my life, he was my light, he filled a lot of that hole left by Rhiannon. He loved me unconditionally. He thought I was it for so much of his life. He was my hope. It was wrong to put so much on such a young boy but he fulfilled it. Then 15 years later that hope was once again ripped from my life. The hope is gone. That hope is gone. Where do I find my hope now? I don't want to know about missions and college and weddings. I don't want to know how happy your life is. How God has blessed you. I can't sleep again and it is hard to keep up the happy face when I am exhausted.

Definition of Insanity

I once heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. I feel like I am in this room sometimes and at other times I wish I were in this room. It seems I take enough pills at night that it could and should take the place of my dinner. I take a pill to cure me of one symptom that affects me in another way so I take a pill that gets rid of that symptom and so on and so on. I am sick more than I am healthy. I am 4+ years into this trauma and 24+ years away from the other. I am tired. I am not sleeping again. 3 days and only 6 hrs of sleep total. I lay in my bed and stare at the ceiling wondering how I got here, when will this get better or will it? The grief gnawing at my soul, my heart sometimes making it so raw that I wonder how I will be a wife, a mom. I feel so exhausted, and now the Holidays are upon us. I still feel it is so hard to make these days cheery and bright. I am probably causing irreparable harm to my children, then the guilt engulfs me like a tidal wave crashing down on a unsuspecting sun bather.I am sure everyone can see this cycle that I am stuck in. It's like being forced on the Rock-O-Plane and each time it comes around you think it's your turn to get off but the Carnie laughs and makes you stay on. It's nauseating. It is a gut wrenching pain to watch your kids grow up . True is a Freshman now, what Loughlin was when he died.The panic is back again . What if it happens again?