The headstone

Families are Forever

Today we are finishing Loughlin's headstone. We have put it off long enough and I am tired of going to a grave with no marker on it. I hope we choose wisely. It is what we will see each time we visit. I asked a special prayer this morning that God would be with us all of the day, that he will strengthen us, that he will walk with me and hold me up when I feel I am not going to make it through.

Remembering a time when.......

Today on the way home from school, Maya would not stop crying over a ball that belonged to Giles but that she wanted. We were in the car and it is very small with 5 kids and me in it. I asked her to calm down about 5 times and then pulled off the side of the road and asked her if she wanted to walk the rest of the way home. (I know some of you must think that pretty harsh but we live in the country and we were not far from home) she walks on these country roads often. As I said it, both Cyrus and I looked at each other because we both remembered a time when Loughlin decided to walk home rather than ride in the car with 'HIS FAMILY'. He was mad at his brother and probably at me too. He walked a little ways while I took the other kids home and then turned to go and pick him up. He was upset when I got to him because he had lost a picture that a very cute girl at the school had given him when he got out of the car. It was getting dark and the sun was just going down behind the butte. I told him to get in and we turned around and went to look for the picture. In just a short time we found his treasure and all was forgiven. I kept his secret about the crush. I loved those times with him, just me and him. He was so sweet when no one was watching and so proper when they were. Memories such as that are bitter sweet. I love to remember but wish I did not have to.

Hollow Imposter

I thought this morning that my life feels like a hollow impostor of what it once was. I wake-up each morning same as I did 4 months ago but nothing is the same, not the way I shower, nor how I get ready(if I do), how I wake-up the kids or take them to school. Everything is different. I am trying so hard everyday to make life as normal as I can for my husband and my kids. This morning I broke down after taking Lea to preschool. I stopped at Loughlin's grave, which we have not finalized the headstone for yet, and cried and yelled inside to God; why does he keeps sending me trials that are crippling my soul? It is said trials are to stretch the soul but I feel like Elastic woman without the super powers, like my soul has been stretched so much it is sagging like after someone loses a whole bunch of weight there skin sags. They were once full like me, full of life and joy but it is gone and all there is left is sagging skin and souls. I use to find joy in reading and studying but I cannot control my thought long enough to enjoy the knowledge. I watch Cyrus and True and they are the same way. They cannot stay on task. Their thoughts wander and long projects are impossible to finish. How do we get back to a real life and not a replica of a life? How do I hold this once impermeable family together? How do I open my heart again to my husband, to others when I am so frightened of being crushed, broke, stifled. I pray everyday to my Father in Heaven to help me take these walls down, but I keep building them higher, stronger. Harlen told me this morning that he thought I was too strong; How can one be too strong when they feel whipped, wilted, wore out?

All of my angels

In the midst of the heartache, there have been so many angels surrounding me. Earth angels that have held me up when I could not stand myself, that have called or emailed me on my darkest days, others that have posted words of encouragement on my posts, neighbors and friends that have gave more than anyone should be asked to give. I am grateful for them all. I am in awe at the love shown to my family, at the arms that are out stretched to give me that much needed hug, for those kind words that are spoken or written on my behalf. My heart is full.

Everyday I wake up with a hopeful heart that the day will be better than the one previous. Some days, that dream comes true, other days I have a hard time even breathing. I live just 200 yards from where Loughlin died. I drive up and down that road 6 or 7 times a day. It hits me hard every time I do. It is like an invisible wall that I pass through, it takes my joy, it takes my breath and leaves me alone and sad and nauseated. I live the day over and over and over again in my mind. It zaps my energy and removes any chance of keeping the smile on my face. Cooking, laundry, homework, chores, all remind me that Loughlin is gone. It is hard to muster the courage for another day but with the love and help of others, I know I can do this. It is a process, a long hard, exhausting process, but somehow my family will make it through, with all of your love and prayers we will make it through.

Thank you!

Finding joy in the moment.

Some of the feelings of regret I have, after the death of Loughlin, have to do with not finding joy in what we were doing at the time but always wondering when life would slow down or finding a time when we could have fun as a family. I have a lot of guilt because I wasted time on frivolous, trivial things when I could have spent that time with Loughlin. I read in a conference talk today a quote that says,"You pile up enough tomorrows, you'll find you have a lot of empty yesterdays" I am trying each day to make a memory with my remaining children here on Earth, to make sure they know I love them and to hug each one of them before they go to bed. How I wish I had just one more day to do each of those three things with Loughlin.

I wish at times I had a way to stop my thoughts or at least slow them down. I do not think there is a time in the day when I relax. I take every word someone says and dissect it. I look for meaning in things that are not meant to have a deeper meaning. I am tired of my thoughts. I am tired of questioning my faith. I am tired of thinking. Do you think there is a therapy out in the medical world that can stop the thought process if not just for an hour? Some peace would be nice, some solace, some comfort. My mind and soul will not allow any of these.

I know asking the question "why?" is not productive but it is where my minds seems to wander every day, almost every hour. Why did this happen? Why did God think I would be strong enough to handle this again? What did I do that was so bad to deserve this kind of pain? Did he take Loughlin because I am not a good enough mother to raise such a fine young man?

I am so grateful for this blog where I can just empty my feelings out on the screen and try to work through them. When I read my questions, I know the answers but I do not want to hear them. I am still angry. I know that my Savior felt all of this and more but I am not a God. I am but a mother, missing her son and having a hard time finding joy in the life that he left me. My children are my life and when 2/7 are taken it is hard to feel whole. Knowing I will have them both after the second coming is sometimes a hollow promise. It does little to take the pain that I feel now from my heart. The second coming could come tomorrow and I would be glad.

One of my all-time favorite shows is "It's a Wonderful Life". I sometimes question whether if I had to do it all over would I have chose this path with the pain accompanied with the joy or would I have chose another without a marriage and children. I am sure my answer is different today than it would have been 6 months ago or it will be even a year from now.

Our Sale

The sale went very well yesterday. It was one of our better sales, in fact we have not done this well in 6 years. Norman and Julie Bennett donated a heifer to begin the sale for a scholarship fund in Loughlin's name. It sold 6 times with each person donating the heifer back to re-sell again. This was very emotional on an already emotional day. I am once again overwhelmed with the generosity of our friends and neighbors. I know we would not be able to get through this trial without them. I had so much help with the sale this year. Friends and Neighbors pitched in to cook, make cookies and bake potatoes so that left me enough energy to get my other important tasks done. I don't think I would have made it without all of the help. My parents and brother Kurt were up here to help and Harlen's mom and Fred did what they could to help also. All in all it was a day to be grateful for.

Today I miss Loughlin more than I have for a very long time. I don't know whether I am really exhausted or tired of being strong. I am sad that I did not have my oldest son to celebrate the day with. I missed him looking out the window at Cyrus and True working the gates during the sale. I could almost hear him say, "Mom, how did it go?"He was always worried about me and his dad. He was such a good kid, I hardly ever had to worry about him. Oh how I wish I could hold him in my arms again. My body aches with the desire to tell him how I love him. I keep wishing for a do over and I know I can never have it. He is never coming home again. What an inconsolable thought. I will never hear his laugh again or see him smile that beautiful smile or get excited over the smallest things you would do for him. I will never see him wrestle with his brothers or get so nervous showing that steer. He is really gone. There is no nightmare to wake up from only this Earthly existence that seems so normal now but so unique and horrid. I pray for some strength today, some comfort, some love from my Father in Heaven. Loughlin I miss you.

Does Faith Heal Everything?

In church today our relief society lesson was on apostatizing. One comment by the teacher was to the fact, that if you have enough faith trials will not be hard. Do you think that is true? Or is it as I believe that trials are hard and prayer and faith only soften the tribulation and anguish you go through.
I walk through my life everyday wondering if I will make it this hour without breaking down, wondering if I can stay strong, wondering if my prayers will comfort the pain, wondering if I will ever feel as if I can breath normally again. I walk through life a little stifled, wondering what is next, wondering if the Lord will still send more trials my way and hoping I can get through more if they do come. I hope for a kind word from a friend but shy away from crowds because I am afraid of the looks that are aimed in my direction, the watching to see if I can actually withstand this mortal life's trials. It is a funny way to live, always expecting something in return but not willing to stick my heart on the line to receive the blessings that are out there for the grabbing. I have a hard time even opening up to my husband. The walls that I am building today will be hard to bring down. I know this yet I still build them bigger and stronger than I did before. I am still a slow learner.
Our sale is Tuesday. I hope it goes well. I have lots of things that need to be done but I cannot get excited about any of them.

Wondering when they are coming home

I was talking to a good friend yesterday, who lost a daughter to childbirth when she was only 20. I asked if the feeling ever leaves of wondering when they are coming home. It seems at least two times a day I wonder when Loughlin will be home from a friends, from sports or from working out on the farm. I know most are probably thinking that that seems a strange feeling but when you think about someone for 16 years of your life, you grow accustom to be concerned for their well-being. Every night at supper time I miss Loughlin so much, every night at bedtime I think about getting him to bed on time, every morning when I wake the boys for school, I wonder if Loughlin had homework he needed to get up early and do. I miss him so much. The piece of my soul that is gone is not healing. My heart feels so empty without him here. My house feels so strange, that it almost is not my house. Everything is the same but everything is different. All that is left is pictures and memories and they just don't do anything to change the mood. I cannot get use to him not being here. I don't think I will ever understand why God felt it necessary to take him from us. Why did He think I was strong enough to go through this again? I feel wilted. Where is the well that I can drink from so that I will never thirst again?

After losing Rhiannon, I remember feeling this way but I met Harlen, got married, and with each child a little of that hole was filled with the love for the other children. How do you feel a hole when you are through with that time in your life? There will be no more children and is that the way it should be done anyway? Does one child replace the love you felt for another? I am venting today. I am grateful for this blog so that I can express my feelings in a positive manner. I feel a little better after venting.

The un-welcomed visitor

Harlen is feeling better and Grief is back. It's funny how he stays away when there are other things that call for my attention but when life starts looking up, he is back. He creeps into my dreams and makes me worry about others in my life. He makes me think of sad times instead of all the joyful times I had with Loughlin. He is relentless in kneeling on my chest so that I cannot breath. He makes the guilt enter my heart and control my thoughts. He never leaves my mind to rest. He makes me so tired. He is a visitor that is not welcomed but will not leave our house, even if we plead. I am grateful for him, because I know I have to live with him for a while or he will hang with me for the rest of my life. I hope soon that he finds someone else to visit some of the days of the week. I hope it is soon he lets me have joy again.
There is so much to do in the next week. Our bull sale is Feb 17 and it is a lot of work on a normal year. I am grateful for friends who help us get through all of this. I can still feel your prayers and I am so grateful.