Loughlin's 20th Birthday

Happy Birthday my Son!

20 years ago today Loughlin came into our lives. He was born with a fighting, never give up spirit that carried him through his short but memorable life. 

At 6 weeks of age he came down with pneumonia and I thought I was going to lose him too. 

Sometimes I wonder if my prayers gave me the extra 15 years that he got to spend with us. Other times I wonder if there is a God at all, for if there were a God He had to know how much I loved my son and how this would alter this happy family. 

                       

I miss you Loughlin...every moment of every day...

We have changed so much through these 5 years. 

Leaving Cyrus at Wyoming

Cyrus is in his first term at the University of Wyoming. I miss him. Having him around is like non-stop entertainment and stimulating conversation for me. 

New Room

Text and Email just hasn't been able to replace it. He loves it and I want so much for him to succeed. 12 hours is a long ways to drive. I can't just jump in the van and go and see him. 

We are new Cowboy fans though.

Last year showing together

True is a Sophomore in high school. He has grown to a whopping 6ft. 2 in. tall.He is really smart also.

 Last year he missed 31 days of school and yet still pulled a 4.0. He loves football and baseball and exceeds in both. He isn't the happy go lucky kid he use to be though.

Maya is in 8th grade playing volleyball and working hard at keeping up her grades. 

She reminds of Cyrus in 8th grade. She is the first one up and she does homework into the wee hours. She is so very sweet and kind.

Giles started middle school this year. He is playing two leagues of football because they bumped him up to Middle School ball because of his size and yet he still wants to play with his friends. 

He still loves to sit by his mom and read all kinds of books.

Lea is my baby and in 4th grade. She is full of energy and still sings her heart out. She writes me love notes all of the time and always gives me hugs. She is that 1 in a 1000 lottery win. She keeps me going when I think I can do no more. 

I could cry everyday....

I could cry everyday. I could find a reason to cry each and every day. I could look at my children and dream of what should have been. I could cry myself to sleep at night and then again wake up crying. I think some out there in the big bad world assume I do just that. I don't cry all the time, in fact I try not to cry. I especially try not to cry in front of anyone else, not even my family. I don't want to appear weak, I am. I want to seem strong, I'm not.
It seems relative, this life. I use to cry when I dropped my babies off for the first day of school, before losing Loughlin but really what is 8 hrs without your kids when you are looking at a lifetime without them. I dropped Lea and Giles off this morning for their first day. They were so excited and happy. Who am I to be sad.....

But Wednesday morning I will be leaving Cyrus at UW. That isn't 8 hrs. I know it is time in my mind but my heart cries out for more. He is the dream kid. He is nice and respectful. He is acts a little bit like me, He is the only one that will watch scary movies with me. LOL He likes Dylan and Clapton along with his stuff. I am going to miss him terribly but I am so happy for him to get out of this place, for him to start new, for him to have the chance to see that the church is different every where you go and most place you are not rewarded for being the wealthiest in town, and really they might find the time for you. So I am so happy for him. He is so smart and I know he will accomplish exactly what he sets his mind to do.

Summer Break ???????

I haven't been on here too much lately but the end of school and since has been hectic to say the least. I am coaching Maya & Lea in Softball, Harlen is coaching True in Babe Ruth and Giles is also playing Minors. We have practice almost every M-W-F and Games T-Th and True plays on Saturday doubleheaders. Cyrus fills in as Giles ride and guardian on game days a long with usually 3 of his friends. (What a great big brother) I am extremely exhausted but I love every minute of it. I can't imagine missing a single moment of my kids' life. The worst part is we all play T-Th and I have only been able to watch Giles play once and that is only because time schedules and location worked out perfectly. He feels jipped and I understand. Next year hopefully the games come up on different days. Tomorrow we leave for a bull trip to California, all of us, down and back in two days. Next Sunday True goes to BYU football camp and Cyrus and the rest of the family head to University of Wyoming for Orientation. Cyrus leaving the nest is getting close. I can't and won't talk much about it. If I do the tears flow and I feel like an emotional wreck. On top of all of that I feel lousy, health wise. I am tired all of the time and my stomach is a mess almost everyday. I can't remember the last time I ate solid food and felt well. I know seeing a doctor would be smart but in my case I am sure it is stress and emotions and just life!

Graduation Day

Cyrus May 2013

I know I am slow on this post but this is my Cyrus. He just graduated with honors from Nyssa High School. He is headed to the University of Wyoming in August to major in Petroleum Engineering.

Receiving his diploma!

Cyrus & his car!

 He is certainly on my hero list. He has lived through this trial and has come out on top. He took 16 credit hours of college classes this year including math 111,112,113 and Calculus, Physics, College Writing and still held his grade point average at a 3.7. He did it with his family encouraging him along the way.

He did it when all those looking on thought he couldn't.

Graduation Party with Spencer, Brandon & Cyrus

He did it with his guardian angel urging him on and even though he will be 10 and 1/2 hours away from his mom I couldn't be more proud. I love you Cyrus!!!!

Some weaks (weeks) seem so hard......

It is funny how you can take an ordinary day in my house and by the end of the night it has become less than stellar. My heart is aching so much this week. There seems to be heartache in access for my babies. I know most would be normal for teenagers, maybe. But you should know that after losing two children watching your kids struggle through what should be a happy time in their life is so difficult. Watching them earn scholarships and awards, only to be squashed by some uncaring ass that seems so little to me in his own life. I really don't understand wanting to bring a child down, hurt them. I know it is too much to ask some just to walk in their shoes for a small while, take the time to know them. Mother's day was Sunday and my heart was aching so much, and then I lost it at True's baseball game yesterday. I sometimes pray for a good man to step up and coach these kids, someone who actually cares if they learn and do good, that treat them like real kids and just care.

Tomorrow is Rhiannon's birthday. 25 years ago I gave birth to this beautiful girl. I was alone, a single girl, out of wedlock, ostracized by a very LDS community. I had one wonderful friend who stood by me. I had a teacher who watched out for me and a mom and dad who loved me even though.....rumors swirled how I rolled over and killed this beautiful girl, well I didn't but she died in her sleep anyway. I was willing to give up all of my dreams(for she was my new dream) to take care of this beautiful girl but God ripped her from my arms. He had different plans. It's hard not to wonder what things had been like if she was here with me. It is so hard not to be bitter. REALITY SUCKS. Maybe she is with her brother Loughlin, maybe. It would be nice if it was true. It would allow me to feel some peace. I wish I knew these things like I did before. I miss you baby girl. I wish you were here. I wish you were having my first grand babies. But their are so many wishes I only need a genie in  my life. I love you Rhiannon!

OFFICIAL Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwoʻole - "What A Wonderful World" Video

This is the song my card played. Thank you Giles & Loughlin...

Thank you for seeing my pain

I just want to thank you for seeing my pain yesterday but it wasn't because of Loughlin. I actually had a wonderful morning, breakfast with the family all made by them, great presents and cards and especially one that Giles picked out that played Loughlin's favorite song since Mrs. Johnston played it for him in 1st grade, I think he might have had some heavenly help in choosing it. But it wasn't that that tears at my heart these days. It is something that I can do little to change and yet the problem is on my mind constantly. I want to fix it but it really isn't up to me and it seems the ones that could, have no interest in trying to help. I wish just one would look and see but everyone it seems is so caught up in their own little world that that is as far as their vision will reach. I keep praying and hoping because that is all I have.........

"Gentle"

I needed this today, Sometimes the Guilt & Pain is crushing.....

Loughlin had this on his MP3 player when he died. Not really his style. Harlen said he left it for me. I hope so.

Gripe

How long has it been since I have griped? It seems an eternity. HAHAHA Well here goes....... 
I am a realist. This could be some of the reason I have been having a hard time with faith since losing Loughlin. I want everything to make some sort of sense, I like rules of math and English and if there are rules I feel they should be enforced to everyone the same. When I hear things like, "everyone has trials", I want to see it with my own eyes. When it is said "everything will be made right", I have to wonder how in heaven this pain will be made right. How can the smiles, hugs, graduations, missions, weddings, grandchildren and time ever be made right? How can you get those back? Realist: You can't. People are not tried the same, there is no possible way this could be true. Don't tell me that some trials cannot be seen. If trials are large they are always seen. And then go ahead and tell me to get past Loughlin's death, when every single day is a bitter reminder that he is not here and the suffering of my other children go on and on. But you don't know that because you make assumptions that life is good for us now and that it is only me holding us back. If I was to guess by the way you put together your sentences when you speak ,you should but, that you know no better. Maybe you are speaking in tongues....
So here goes, you want me to apologize to the lady that talked nasty about my son behind his back to another mother. You are worried about her feelings. Well I might be on the rough side of callous, but I was under the impression that adults are adults and they should be able to handle themselves. Would I ask my husband to protect me from some crazy comment about some new larger appendage I decided to add to my body...uuuhh no. Would I cry about how I was treated in high school when I was a married woman with kids...huh no again  And if that was actually true wouldn't I as a girl not treated well in high school think before I spoke behind another teenagers back knowing the consequences... you would think, but that would require a brain. You would think you would want to build these kids up not tear them down, but that must not be the case. And the protection goes to who? Is it because of the name, the money or the prestige?

I would like a full apology to my son and his friend from both husband and wife. The kids are the ones we should worry about. 
These are the reasons kids fall away from the church. Sometimes they are looking for this kind of reason. We should try hard not to hand it to them. And as far as the comment that sometimes my kids don't need my protection.......That is why God put me on this Earth. That is the most important part of my life, my kids. There isn't a time when my protection is unneeded. You would think you would want to protect the kids in this case, the ones that have actually known loss and trials. Funny, the way I always believed my church was, has been turned completely upside down. Christ loved the humble and meek, now we esteem the rich and powerful.... What was that scripture???????????, Matthew 19:24 " And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God."
Really the topper of this is that we lie to pass off some scouts on merit badges when they could not have possibly passed, I ought to know and we ignore others for 4 years...Could it be name, money, love of power???? Just wondering



Ok I feel a bit better now!

Possessions

I love talking about my church classes. It helps me sort through the nonsense and pull the informative insights out of the mundane church social network. Sunday's lesson was on the Law of Consecration, my idea of Socialism on the wings of angels, with everyone actually doing their part and having a strong faith that the law would work and strong faith in God and their Savior.

We were asked to mention a possession we would have a hard time giving up. I racked my brain and really couldn't think of a one I couldn't part with. I mean my wedding ring is beautiful and has many feelings attached to it but I do not need it to know the covenants I made with my hubby. I know he loves me and I love him. So other than that, there is nothing. The things I can't give up are not temporal. My family is the only tangible thing that I would do anything, anything to keep a hold of. You want my house, it's yours. My van, well no one wants my van but you can have it. When you have lost what we have, Loughlin and Rhiannon nothing and I mean nothing has a hold on me. Material things have no meaning........

I swear It isn't Contagious

You would think people would know that losing a child wasn't a contagious disease. You would think that they would know that even though it is so weird for them to be around parents and children who have lost their loved one, it is even harder for us to feel the distance between us. I don't have a lot of the same friends as before the accident. It is just different. They ignore the fact that you had this marvelous young man in your life and in most cases they won't even mention his name. But I am a grown up. I found new friends to fill this void. In fact one friend in particular that has lived this hell and lived to help me through it.

But my kids are another whole story. They are not grown-ups. They can't easily find good friends. They do not understand why people shun them, why they are outcasts, why friends they use to have, have no interest in doing things together. I am on my knees pleading with my Heavenly Father to send an Earthly Angel fast. We need one, just a little happiness, a little fun.

Smells

Aren't smells funny? How they can take you back to a different time in your life? For me it was usually a place where I felt safe.The smell reminds me of all of those warm feelings, happy feelings and I want to escape into that world forever, well I know there are no forever's but for a while, a long while, just enough time so that i can catch my breath and feel free again, a place where I am loved.

Smell # 1 was my grandma's house just after she baked her chocolate chip cookies that I loved so much. Her recipe was different than any other. It was fluffy and sweet with a small amount of chocolate chips. The smell seemed to linger for hours. I could just lay on her living room floor, on my back, looking toward her very tall ceilings, wishing I could stay here forever. It was safe. It was quiet and I knew I was loved.

Smell #2 was my dad's '68 Buick Riviera. I remember the smell like it was yesterday. When the air conditioner came on it produced this musty, dusty odor. I smelt like heaven. I know, how funny a car and heaven, but I remember sneaking out there just so I could steal a smell from the carpet, the seats even when the car wasn't on. There have been smells since that are close but I long to smell that car again. It was so safe there. My home, My car, My family.

Smell "3  I love the fragrance of the farm when it rains just enough to dampen the dirt. The other day when it rained I found myself talking to myself, telling me how it smells like a new start and how I wish I could just stay out here and drink it in forever. Yet the hired man staring at me like I was insane broke the trance and ruined the moment, but I can't wait for another day like that one.

Smell #4 Is there any better smell than that of a newborn baby? Months after Rhiannon died, I would go to her grave because I could smell her smell. I would linger there as long as I could to keep her smell around me. It is the most intoxicating smell in the world. I lost her smell after a time. I quit visiting here grave because I thought if the smell was gone so was she. When Loughlin was born, he brought his own smell with him. I would sit for hours just holding him taking in his fragrance, never wanting to let go, but everyone knows the smell fades with time and each new child brings their own fragrance. I wish I could walk down to his grave and smell is smell again like I could Rhiannon's. I miss them both so much. I loved them so much. Everything is changing all around me and I am caught in this sort of Limbo, a Limbo of my choice. Why would anyone want to move on if it meant leaving your two kids behind.

How Can Things Be So Bitter and So Sweet at the Same Time???

This week has been jammed packed full of family fun. True had so many baseball games. He helped undo a wrong and Cyrus backed him up with a vengeance at school this week, Giles turned 11 and had a great party at our house last night but the biggest of all is that Cyrus went to his first Prom tonight. My heart is so full and that proud momma valve is working overtime. I am so grateful for the incredible kids I was blessed with, how they make such good decisions and stand up for what's right and sound off when it isn't.

Now for the bitter. Birthdays without Loughlin here are so hard. If you could have only known him you would understand. He was so funny and he loved his siblings so much. He would go out of his way to make them, each one of them so special. Baseball was Lough's sport. Man he was so good at it. His eye-hand coordination was unbelievable, He was a finesse player. He was beautiful to watch. But the one thing that is hurting tonight is that Loughlin never got to go out on a date. He never got to experience what Cyrus is tonight. I don't want to take anything away from Cyrus but it just hurts my heart that I missed it all with Lough.

Oh but Cyrus deserves this happiness and wow did he look handsome. He humbles me with his greatness. His smile melts his mom and he can get whatever he wants, True loves baseball and he is a powerhouse player. He stands up against injustices, no matter the cost to himself. Giles he is the sweetest guy. He wants to grow up too fast and be like his brothers. I love these 3 young men so much that sometimes it feels like my heart can hold no more. but it could. I wish everyone could really know them.

Easter woes

I know you would think Easter would be a beautiful holiday for a bereaved mom, but it isn't for me. I have struggled with it since losing Rhiannon 24 years ago. I know that Christ's resurrection is a wonderful promise but it feels as if it is a carrot dangled just far enough in front of me as just to tease and make me keep working toward it, but sometimes I am so tired.I feel like I cannot make it one more day without my babies with me.  I want it now. Now Now Now . I want my kids back with me. I am not good with patience or the thought that they are in a better place until then. How can any place be better without their moms. Everyone needs their mom.

Control Freak

I can almost read your mind.....We have little if any control on this Earth. I know that and yet I still believe I should have control over what happens to the ones I love. Harlen, Cyrus, and True all went Ocean fishing today. I was fine when they planned it. I was fine while they traveled across the state. I was even fine when Harlen called me as they waited to head out. Then all of the sudden like a tidal wave, the anxiety engulfed me. The worry was all consuming. I just kept thinking three of the men I love most in this life on one boat. A boat on the Oregon Coast. The water is much to cold to survive. I am suppose to trust God to protect them? Can you hear me humph. How many times did I say prayers to keep us safe as we traveled to school? I couldn't count the number  I prayed to Him to keep my baby safe, to protect them all. Why would He listen now? Anyway I hope there is some power out there that will bring them home in one piece.


*Update: I am crazy, well that isn't new but the guys are home safe. They had a great time, caught tons of fish. The captain said it was the calmest day in years, maybe someone was listening, almost to calm to have a good fishing day.

Great Good Fair Pass

Great is a word I don't use often. I am not great at many things. In fact, I can't think of a one. I might be good or fair or I could earn a passing grade on many things but great, that is not me. It isn't for trying, I think I try hard. I am a good mom, a fair wife. I might earn a passing grade as a cook, but I fail completely on keeping a neat and tidy house. I don't know why this is stuck in my brain these last couple of days. Is passing good enough to make it through the pearly gates? For I know there are people all around watching and judging me, judging my family and now even my kids.

We don't seem to fit the Mormon mold. I am sure you can imagine what I am talking about, church on Sunday, mutual on Wednesday, Seminary every school day, happy, bearing testimonies, crying, giving youth talks, attending an LDS college Once again we are pulling a strong "C" on a good day. I haven't been participating much lately in my classes at church. I really feel dumbfounded just listening to the comments around me. Last Sunday the lesson was on Emma Smith. She lost so many children, I think 7, plus losing her husband in a horrible murder.  I heard a lady make an off handed remark about how God SAVED those children. I guess because she left the church, she was a good mom and those children wouldn't have made it to heaven????? WHAT???????

I would never want to be in a place to judge a woman that has been through so much. I look at my life and I have failed miserably at these trials. What are they saying when I leave the room? It seems a lonely place to be such an only adequate Saint in this world. God will be my only judge and only He knows my heart.

Spring Break

The Break has started for both schools, but the problem is there is really no break. Cyrus is going to the coast to fish with the Priest Quorum. True is going to State FFA to compete in the Parliamentary Procedure competition. Maya, Giles and Lea have plans to spend with friends. Harlen might sneak away with Cyrus to the coast, but probably he will be stuck in some pickup delivering bulls or on a tractor working away and I will be stuck at home doing book work. I hate book work. So if you think I am feeling sorry for myself, I am. I am taken back to a time when Spring Break meant Break. Oh yah I married a farmer and there has never been such a time.(OK maybe once or twice) I digress......Sometimes I just want to complain about book work. GAG YUCK and just think when I started school, I thought I wanted to do other people's books! I must have been nuts then too!

What Priceless looks like......

This is what Priceless looks like.....This is my family in the Summer of 2008 before we lost Loughlin. This is really how my family was, most of the time. We enjoyed each other, we loved spending as much time as we could together, look at the smiles, if only you could hear the laughter. This is a gift that will remain as priceless as I have ever received. I ordered prints for all of our families. I want everyone to remember this moment, not the moments that followed, but this one incredible moment that has been branded in my mind and heart and soul. I love it! My cousin took these pictures when we were in Utah in my parents' back yard. And the more memories I can have the better, the more smiles on his face and laughter in his eyes the better this grief becomes, the less the guilt because it helps me believe he was happy here and I was an ok mom to him. I miss this family.........

The lil' Red Heifer that stole my heart....

Harlen is gone delivering bulls to somewhere down in the middle of Nevada, no phone coverage. I have some hired guys but they are hard to get a hold of and I don't speak very good Spanish. Two days ago, our first calves arrived out of my bull( I picked him out), twins but there mom must have lost 3 quarters over the winter when it was cold and wasn't able to feed them. So the kids started them on a bottle. The first day was great but then li' Red lost interest. When I went out yesterday afternoon we couldn't find her. We looked everywhere and finally found her flat on the cement by the chute. She was so cold and her navel was swollen indicating a naval infection. I was feeling on the verge of brave, at times I get that way. She wouldn't suck and I knew if I didn't get her some nourishment soon, she would die.Lea went and got the tuber and I proceeded to put that long steel tube down her throat and feel her belly with the milk. She was still so cold that my boys carried her in the house for me and we put her in the tub, sticking a heater next to her. Then I gave her 2 shots in the naval of tetracycline .( Should have been Penicillin) but I didn't have any. When I finally went to bed she seemed better, warmer, breathing better. I dreamed dreams of better days, of my baby, my Grandma and Loughlin, happy times..At 4:30 am when I awoke to check her she was gone, cold. I know you might all think I am crazy but she had those eyes that seemed to plead with me to help her and this morning I feel I have failed, and I am sad. I raise cattle for a living and I am rarely emotionally attached  but this time is different, this time I really feel I failed her. Her coat was that  of a rusty crimson, so beautiful and fluffy. Lea had pans to show her at the fair. Tomorrow soon will come and there wil be a hundred more like her but not like her.

Random Thoughts and Musing from the last week

1) Seeing the tire off your dually pick-up roll the opposite way the truck is can signal a real problem.

2)Finding something to talk to an Idaho State Policeman for 4 hrs can be extremely mind boggling.

3) Wanting to ever drive that rig again, is a trial in itself.

4) Chicken at Carl's Jr. can be a seriously bad idea, if they forgot to cook it correctly or left it out the night before. (Poor Lea & Maya)

5) Pop tent Casino's don't stay that way for long

6) The nicest building in town almost always belongs to the government. ( Or in random cases an Indian Casino)

7)Tom Petty is never appealing even when you have been driving for 12 hrs. straight.

8) Don't buy mystery flavored gum. It never turns out well. If it was good they could sell it without the mystery.

9) When you are lost at 11:30 at night and you stop for help, because you are in the middle of nowhere with no coverage  on the phone, there is a round broom leaning against the door and a very large fat black cat rubbing up against your legs, tell your girls to run, run as fast as you can back to the pick- up.

10) A waving experiment coming home from Riggins Idaho even though so much fun is far from scientific.

11) My girls can always find fun despite the predicament. Love ya Girls! Can you hear Les Schwab in the background?? Talent? I would say absolutely!

No other place to go......

I find I turn to my blog when there is no other place to go. This is sometime my only consolation, my only solace, my only only. Sometimes I feel I am at a breaking point and there really is no other place in my mind I can escape. I really truly believe that everyone around me wants me to be and do something that I am not capable of doing. Somehow now after losing two kids, I should be happy all of the time, that I should think life is one giant slumber party and there is as much coke as you can drink at all times, and that somehow because I don't believe that way I am not what I should be. Do you think I sit around all day crying and feeling sorry for myself? I think my kids would disagree. I can find joy in the moment, finding joy in the future is what is so difficult. You know even before losing Rhiannon I was not that way. I always had a keen sense that life was not like that and never would be.

 I know you are saying maybe it was some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy, if I only had that much power over my life. Some think I am a psychopath that I don't feel bad about anything, that I am far from humble, that I am angry,  unapologetic. Then on the other side I have those who think I need to get past the guilt, I know what guilt, that I wallow in self pity, that the guilt is ruining my other 5 kids' life,( nothing like piling on that guilt), that I need to get past Loughlin's death,(no mention of Rhiannon's) but hey they were nice enough to tell me I can bring his memory with me. I know you jest but I don't. In the world of peacocks and lemon drops I see no finish line in fact my line has moved and let the defense in, my protectors no longer exist but I dare say I don't think they ever did.
When will I gain enough courage to be myself and tell the ones around me who would like to tell me who to be, to get the Hell out of the way, out of my mind, and if necessary out of my life?

Just to let all you helpful naysayers out, I am happy. I have said it so many times. I am happy and grateful for so many things, but  to expect me to be happy and grateful about 2 of my babies dying is what I would call a funny kind of deranged!

BYU TV Crucibles

http://www.byutv.org/watch/28cc54a0-1cfb-45ff-9230-7167de3d71e7/real-families-real-answers-family-crucibles

I wish that every leader in the church could watch this before taking the reins. How much heartache could be avoided if only they could be instructed on positive constructive comments? 
For me at the end of the first story the mom said she felt she put too much on Shania . She would tell her don't ever leave me. I always told my babies that. I told them I wouldn't be able to handle it again.................but here I am missing Loughlin with every breath I take.

October Sky

I watched a movie on Sunday named "October Sky". It was a Christian drama, which at first I didn't think would affect me. A story about a girl who was a survivor of a botched abortion but it did get to me. Her twin brother died because they were born at 24 weeks. The dad said to his daughter, I was so overprotective and controlling not because I didn't trust you but because I didn't trust the Lord. I finally found an explanation for my behavior with my kids over the last 19+ years. I didn't sleep hardly a wink until they reached a year old and after that I was so protective, you could say controlling, but why not? I was so afraid of losing another baby after losing Rhiannon that I didn't trust the Lord. I have been told that over and over since losing Loughlin, trust the Lord. I never framed myself as a Charlie Brown, but Lucy is putting that football down again and asking me to kick it. How many of you would put it all on the line and try to drive the football through the uprights again? Once bitten, twice shy, well how about twice bitten. I have no control over what the Lord does, and I have to wonder how he really has control over my life. If he does WHY?

Blogs & Helpful Hogs

Well I know it has been almost forever since I have been on here. I have so many people in my life always putting in their two cents telling me what I should and shouldn't do, worried about what I write on this blog, worried mostly about themselves or what they represent. But today I am taking my life and blog back. I am stronger than they think I am. Why they think they can make decisions for me, boggles my mind. No one has lived this life of mine. No one knows what it feels to be responsible for the deaths of your children, not once but twice. No one that is telling me what to do has any idea what losing two children is like. NO ONE and I am tired of taking advice from un-knowledgeable, un-helpful fools. This blog is my way of working through my feelings. So if you don't like it, don't read it and please keep your so called caring advice in your craw cuz I aint listening anymore!!

BaHumbug

I am having a hard time with the Christmas Card thingy this year. I don't want to send them. I hate having to think about whether to include Loughlin & Rhiannon in the photos, the letter. I hate pretending like "It's a wonderful life". I have no angel and the world probably would have been just fine without me in it. I struggle through the letters I get. Can people's lives really be so rosy? I know what you all are saying........That I am still bitter, well I am. That I seem down, well I am. That I seem tired of this life, well I am. That I am missing Loughlin more today than yesterday and more that day than the day before. I was told this would get easier, it isn't. I dream about waking up and seeing Rhiannnon laying next to me cold more today that I did 10 years ago. And as the days go on Loughlin is on my mind constantly, as I drive by his headstone, or down our hill, or by Nyssa High School which is daily or more than daily, and I am consumed with guilt and anger and just this unbelievable sense of loneliness. Don't tell me that there is love all around me, it will never feel the void left by these great spirits that touched my life for such a short time. After I lost Rhiannnon, I had a very horrible out look on life. I never expected much for I had never been given much to look forward to. It's not always a bad thing not to have hope. If it isn't there you are rarely disappointed but one morning in September this new, wow came into my life. He restored my hope in this world. Do you understand that he was my life, he was my light, he filled a lot of that hole left by Rhiannon. He loved me unconditionally. He thought I was it for so much of his life. He was my hope. It was wrong to put so much on such a young boy but he fulfilled it. Then 15 years later that hope was once again ripped from my life. The hope is gone. That hope is gone. Where do I find my hope now? I don't want to know about missions and college and weddings. I don't want to know how happy your life is. How God has blessed you. I can't sleep again and it is hard to keep up the happy face when I am exhausted.

Definition of Insanity

I once heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. I feel like I am in this room sometimes and at other times I wish I were in this room. It seems I take enough pills at night that it could and should take the place of my dinner. I take a pill to cure me of one symptom that affects me in another way so I take a pill that gets rid of that symptom and so on and so on. I am sick more than I am healthy. I am 4+ years into this trauma and 24+ years away from the other. I am tired. I am not sleeping again. 3 days and only 6 hrs of sleep total. I lay in my bed and stare at the ceiling wondering how I got here, when will this get better or will it? The grief gnawing at my soul, my heart sometimes making it so raw that I wonder how I will be a wife, a mom. I feel so exhausted, and now the Holidays are upon us. I still feel it is so hard to make these days cheery and bright. I am probably causing irreparable harm to my children, then the guilt engulfs me like a tidal wave crashing down on a unsuspecting sun bather.I am sure everyone can see this cycle that I am stuck in. It's like being forced on the Rock-O-Plane and each time it comes around you think it's your turn to get off but the Carnie laughs and makes you stay on. It's nauseating. It is a gut wrenching pain to watch your kids grow up . True is a Freshman now, what Loughlin was when he died.The panic is back again . What if it happens again?

Where to go from here?

I have been on a journey for what seems like an eternity but in fact it has been almost 3 years. This journey should have been so much shorter and could have been had the roadblocks been fewer, but time and time again I would run into a block, then I would detour and then a tree would fall in the road, so I would take a less traveled road that was much rougher, then a tire would blow out  and no one was out there but me. I carried no jack or spare with me for I thought it was only going to be a short drive. I wasn't prepared for this trip then only to get to a place, I dare say, I don't want to go anymore. It isn't in me and I am so tired of traveling this road. How many times did I stop and ask for directions? I was always told half truths or out and out lies. I was told someone would be there to check on me. I was told along these roads, at the mile markers, I would have help but there was none, no coverage on my phone. All of this coinciding with this grief and trauma that to most would be hard enough. I haven't reached this destination but I can see ahead and now I finally have realized it isn't what I want, nor what I want for my kids.
All of this and 3 weeks straight of a horrible headache. It's hard to see any light in the distance.Confused and Exhausted I really need a vacation to my favorite place on Earth. I think the Oregon Coast can lift my spirit.

Feeling Life

Since Loughlin's birthday my soul has felt, at first, this overwhelming crushing feeling that exhausted me every moment of the day. I felt hopeless. Nothing spectacular happened to bring me out of my stupor. It was a gradual upswing. Slowly every day I started to see a little light. I started to feel this love for my family that I hadn't felt for what seemed forever.( I think I probably ought to explain as there are some of you out there that take my writings out of context and use them to judge me, treat me how you think is correct). I have been hurt throughout my life and I developed a defense mechanism that had me pulling myself away from loved ones and building walls made out of concrete, so tall as to make Germany envious. That was my way of self-protection. After losing Loughlin I began that process again and I think it has taken 4 years and a very large sledgehammer to see some light.
Some helpful things are that ones that surround me are understanding my process with God, the church. They understand my feelings and the destructive behavior of those in charge. They see that I have tried and yet it is like dealing with rocks. I feel God's love some days. I feel it in the smile of a child, in the warmth of a baby. I feel it when my lil' Lea says Mom, I love you, when True comes off the football field and gives me the greatest hug a mom could get. I feel it when Giles tells me all about his day and wants always to sit by me and when Cyrus wants to talk, I really mean talk about school and friends and my favorite, politics. I feel it when Maya lays her head on my shoulder, knowing I will always be there for her. I feel it most when Harlen looks in my eyes and tells me how beautiful I am and that he loves me. The place I do not feel God is in church when speakers talk about the "little" things they do wrong everyday and how they need Christ to help them with the "small" wrong choices they make. I do not feel God when people speak of non-Mormons and their need to feel the spirit. They must.I don't feel God when I am shunned and when it is said I am not ready when I clearly never said that, but I am so glad it happened this way. I am glad I was given more time to decide my fate. The fate I was following is not the fate I wanted. So maybe God is watching out for me.

Miss Maya Broke her Arm

What a bummer. Maya tripped over a bucket feeding the pigs last Friday and broke her arm but her terrible mom waited 4 days to take her to the doctor. She is a lot tougher than I ever knew. We don't have a cast on yet because it is still to swollen. Good news at least for me not making me feel to guilty they kept her in the same brace I bought her and told me that is all they would have done, well they wanted iced a little more. On the upside I am glad it isn't any worse.

Loughlin's Birthday

Today is Loughlin's 19th birthday. I have been having a real hard time with this one. It is the one, the one when he would have been moving on, mission, college, marriage. Instead we have a night at Red Lobster with the family but before that we have things, complications that show up, spoil what is left of a crappy celebration and to tell you the truth I am too tired to do this anymore. It doesn't seem to be worth it. Life is beyond cruel and if not for my babies here, I would lay down and give up. I love you Loughlin. I have loved you from the moment I knew you were there. I never cared once about the morning sickness knowing you would be the result. I marveled at every achievement you made. You were always smarter than your years, so kind even though those around you were not. You still make me pause when I think of your love for your siblings. You were and always will be my inspiration.