Finding Joy

 

 My life, pre Loughlin's death, was fun, easy going. I enjoyed so many things: cooking, shopping, going out, watching movies, my kids' concerts, my kids games, get together's, fishing, boating and especially just being with my family, especially at the coast. My life now is so different.

Cooking is a chore and I have a hard time coming up with new and yummy things to make for my family. I bought Harlen a Traeger grill for Christmas, that seems to at least me helping with the dull drum. I do most of my shopping from the warmth of my living room. Amazon is my best friend. If I could buy milk online I would. I feel fairly agoraphobic when I am out.

I still watch movies but just to take up time. It has to be an incredible masterpiece to float my boat. My kids concerts are almost unbearable. All those people crammed into a gym or auditorium is mind numbing. I know you would think I would want to take it all in but I don't.

 My kids games make me anxious and I am so competitive  that it has taken the fun out of it. I don't remember the last time we went fishing. Maybe once or twice since we lost Loughlin but to many memories are attached and the water everywhere and how many people drown in lakes every year, I am so out of shape I would be helpless to save them.
                         

 I think I miss being on vacation most. But the last few really were more work than reward.  So how do I find joy again when everything seems so hard. I know most of you are thinking I am just depressed but it is so more. I am on my meds. Nothing has changed except for going through the court ordeal and watching Cyrus live all of the hell again. My life is busy right now with our annual bull sale coming up. My brother gets out of jail tomorrow for his 3rd DUI. My dad just had knee replacement. My mom goes in for back surgery on Thursday.



They call me wishing I could be there to help but I can't with all of my commitments here. The unhealthy guilt overwhelms me.

So I would like some suggestions on how I can find some happiness again. I am tired of feeling worthless, or that the ones around me would be better without me. I am tired of being sad and guilty of killing my two babies. How does one live with that in their head constantly.

Powerful Thoughts

It seems the court case, the coldness of a loved one and an overload of things that need to be done is starting to take a toll on my conscience. I try to keep the darkness out but inch by inch it is taken hold of my mind. In passing I use to think of what life would be like without me in it for my family and friends but these thoughts were fleeting. It seems now I have a much harder time getting them out of my mind. I look at my girls and know they need me, that they would be lost without me. I am their world. They are keeping me here.  There are others that would be better without me here, maybe not True and Giles and certainly not Cyrus but maybe they would. I am tired. I am tired of fighting. I can't breath anymore. I need to sleep for hours, days ,years........I want to feel normal again. Is it possible?

Birthdays

"Man I am having a hard time remembering it's 2014", the lady in front of me said. "2014", that means I am 44 not 43 which I was having a hard time dealing with in the last week. 44 ugh. Part of me wants to go back to earlier, happier times. The other part of me wants to be 90 and the end is in sight. I have had a rough month, but the case settled and at least I am not in court for this wonderful celebratory day. (haha) We are 1/4 of the way through this legal battle. I don't know if I can make it much longer. I am a wreck. I shake like I have Parkinson's. I no longer can drive without images of the past crossing my mind constantly. I am miserable. The kids are back in school today. Harlen is testing bulls and took Cyrus to help. I am alone. It is so quiet here at home. I want to scream, to cry, to pray but I cannot muster up enough energy to do any of the three. I want to lay down and sleep, dream of better days but the nightmares are horrendous again. Once again I will wear the face that I keep in the jar by the door and act like I am fine, that I will have a awesome birthday and that once again our family is doing well.