Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Gripe





How long has it been since I have griped? It seems an eternity. HAHAHA Well here goes....... 

I am a realist. This could be some of the reason I have been having a hard time with faith since losing Loughlin. I want everything to make some sort of sense, I like rules of math and English and if there are rules I feel they should be enforced to everyone the same. When I hear things like, "everyone has trials", I want to see it with my own eyes. When it is said "everything will be made right", I have to wonder how in heaven this pain will be made right. How can the smiles, hugs, graduations, missions, weddings, grandchildren and time ever be made right? How can you get those back? Realist: You can't. People are not tried the same, there is no possible way this could be true. Don't tell me that some trials cannot be seen. If trials are large they are always seen. And then go ahead and tell me to get past Loughlin's death, when every single day is a bitter reminder that he is not here and the suffering of my other children go on and on. But you don't know that because you make assumptions that life is good for us now and that it is only me holding us back. If I was to guess by the way you put together your sentences when you speak ,you should but, that you know no better. Maybe you are speaking in tongues....
So here goes, you want me to apologize to the lady that talked nasty about my son behind his back to another mother. You are worried about her feelings. Well I might be on the rough side of callous, but I was under the impression that adults are adults and they should be able to handle themselves. Would I ask my husband to protect me from some crazy comment about some new larger appendage I decided to add to my body...uuuhh no. Would I cry about how I was treated in high school when I was a married woman with kids...huh no again  And if that was actually true wouldn't I as a girl not treated well in high school think before I spoke behind another teenagers back knowing the consequences... you would think, but that would require a brain. You would think you would want to build these kids up not tear them down, but that must not be the case. And the protection goes to who? Is it because of the name, the money or the prestige?

I would like a full apology to my son and his friend from both husband and wife. The kids are the ones we should worry about. 
These are the reasons kids fall away from the church. Sometimes they are looking for this kind of reason. We should try hard not to hand it to them. And as far as the comment that sometimes my kids don't need my protection.......That is why God put me on this Earth. That is the most important part of my life, my kids. There isn't a time when my protection is unneeded. You would think you would want to protect the kids in this case, the ones that have actually known loss and trials. Funny, the way I always believed my church was, has been turned completely upside down. Christ loved the humble and meek, now we esteem the rich and powerful.... What was that scripture???????????, Matthew 19:24 " And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God."
Really the topper of this is that we lie to pass off some scouts on merit badges when they could not have possibly passed, I ought to know and we ignore others for 4 years...Could it be name, money, love of power???? Just wondering



Ok I feel a bit better now!

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Possessions


I love talking about my church classes. It helps me sort through the nonsense and pull the informative insights out of the mundane church social network. Sunday's lesson was on the Law of Consecration, my idea of Socialism on the wings of angels, with everyone actually doing their part and having a strong faith that the law would work and strong faith in God and their Savior.
We were asked to mention a possession we would have a hard time giving up. I racked my brain and really couldn't think of a one I couldn't part with. I mean my wedding ring is beautiful and has many feelings attached to it but I do not need it to know the covenants I made with my hubby. I know he loves me and I love him. So other than that, there is nothing. The things I can't give up are not temporal. My family is the only tangible thing that I would do anything, anything to keep a hold of. You want my house, it's yours. My van, well no one wants my van but you can have it. When you have lost what we have, Loughlin and Rhiannon nothing and I mean nothing has a hold on me. Material things have no meaning........

Thursday, April 18, 2013

I swear It isn't Contagious



You would think people would know that losing a child wasn't a contagious disease. You would think that they would know that even though it is so weird for them to be around parents and children who have lost their loved one, it is even harder for us to feel the distance between us. I don't have a lot of the same friends as before the accident. It is just different. They ignore the fact that you had this marvelous young man in your life and in most cases they won't even mention his name. But I am a grown up. I found new friends to fill this void. In fact one friend in particular that has lived this hell and lived to help me through it.

But my kids are another whole story. They are not grown-ups. They can't easily find good friends. They do not understand why people shun them, why they are outcasts, why friends they use to have, have no interest in doing things together. I am on my knees pleading with my Heavenly Father to send an Earthly Angel fast. We need one, just a little happiness, a little fun.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Smells

Aren't smells funny? How they can take you back to a different time in your life? For me it was usually a place where I felt safe.The smell reminds me of all of those warm feelings, happy feelings and I want to escape into that world forever, well I know there are no forever's but for a while, a long while, just enough time so that i can catch my breath and feel free again, a place where I am loved.

Smell # 1 was my grandma's house just after she baked her chocolate chip cookies that I loved so much. Her recipe was different than any other. It was fluffy and sweet with a small amount of chocolate chips. The smell seemed to linger for hours. I could just lay on her living room floor, on my back, looking toward her very tall ceilings, wishing I could stay here forever. It was safe. It was quiet and I knew I was loved.

Smell #2 was my dad's '68 Buick Riviera. I remember the smell like it was yesterday. When the air conditioner came on it produced this musty, dusty odor. I smelt like heaven. I know, how funny a car and heaven, but I remember sneaking out there just so I could steal a smell from the carpet, the seats even when the car wasn't on. There have been smells since that are close but I long to smell that car again. It was so safe there. My home, My car, My family.

Smell "3  I love the fragrance of the farm when it rains just enough to dampen the dirt. The other day when it rained I found myself talking to myself, telling me how it smells like a new start and how I wish I could just stay out here and drink it in forever. Yet the hired man staring at me like I was insane broke the trance and ruined the moment, but I can't wait for another day like that one.

Smell #4 Is there any better smell than that of a newborn baby? Months after Rhiannon died, I would go to her grave because I could smell her smell. I would linger there as long as I could to keep her smell around me. It is the most intoxicating smell in the world. I lost her smell after a time. I quit visiting here grave because I thought if the smell was gone so was she. When Loughlin was born, he brought his own smell with him. I would sit for hours just holding him taking in his fragrance, never wanting to let go, but everyone knows the smell fades with time and each new child brings their own fragrance. I wish I could walk down to his grave and smell is smell again like I could Rhiannon's. I miss them both so much. I loved them so much. Everything is changing all around me and I am caught in this sort of Limbo, a Limbo of my choice. Why would anyone want to move on if it meant leaving your two kids behind.


Sunday, April 7, 2013

How Can Things Be So Bitter and So Sweet at the Same Time???



This week has been jammed packed full of family fun. True had so many baseball games. He helped undo a wrong and Cyrus backed him up with a vengeance at school this week, Giles turned 11 and had a great party at our house last night but the biggest of all is that Cyrus went to his first Prom tonight. My heart is so full and that proud momma valve is working overtime. I am so grateful for the incredible kids I was blessed with, how they make such good decisions and stand up for what's right and sound off when it isn't.



Now for the bitter. Birthdays without Loughlin here are so hard. If you could have only known him you would understand. He was so funny and he loved his siblings so much. He would go out of his way to make them, each one of them so special. Baseball was Lough's sport. Man he was so good at it. His eye-hand coordination was unbelievable, He was a finesse player. He was beautiful to watch. But the one thing that is hurting tonight is that Loughlin never got to go out on a date. He never got to experience what Cyrus is tonight. I don't want to take anything away from Cyrus but it just hurts my heart that I missed it all with Lough.

Oh but Cyrus deserves this happiness and wow did he look handsome. He humbles me with his greatness. His smile melts his mom and he can get whatever he wants, True loves baseball and he is a powerhouse player. He stands up against injustices, no matter the cost to himself. Giles he is the sweetest guy. He wants to grow up too fast and be like his brothers. I love these 3 young men so much that sometimes it feels like my heart can hold no more. but it could. I wish everyone could really know them.